Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave him?

27 replies

Needallthehelp · 01/09/2018 17:40

Ok. My boyfriend and i have been together for about 19 months now. We each have our own children and live separately. However he is going through an extremely your time in which he could possibly lose his children due to lies from his ex.
Obviously he's distraught and a wreck over this. But I feel he keeps taking it out on me!

If i don't agree with him on something basic he sulks about it. Or needs to go out and get fresh air.
If I have an opinion I'm told if it's to do with certain subjects I shouldn't tell him
He has started to make me feel uncomfortable in my own house. I feel like I'm treading on broken glass not to upset him or anger him. The last weekend he was here he was in a sulk within 10 minutes of him arriving and only came out of it about 2 hours before he left.

I have had a really tough time in the past with PTSD and massive depression. I am still taking antidepressants but for the first time in 8 years I have started feeling so low I wonder why I'm still here? ( obviously I know my children, but I feel they're all I'm living for😢)

I tried explaining how I felt 2 days after he left * as I couldn't talk to him before this.
He drove to be with me to make sure I was ok then began a massive argument on how I don't understand what he's going through and i should see it from his side etc. Then left an hour later leaving me saying to take care and look after myself. (I believed we were done!)

Turns out he said we just had an argument???!!

Am I being unreasonable to want out?

I Do love him, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. When he's not like this he's normally very nice. But I feel like such a cow if I walk away from him when he needs me.

Please help me what do i do?

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 01/09/2018 17:52

He doesn't sound all that nice you know.

If he's making you feel like you're walking on eggshells, he hardly sounds like he is the model parent to his children either. I'd be interested to know the 'lies' his ex is telling

Either way, no one needs that rubbish in their life

NotTheFordType · 01/09/2018 17:55

Oh bloody hell, bin him off

And consider whether he'll be telling his next partner that he's "being kept from his children by YOUR lies"

Treacletoots · 01/09/2018 18:02

You need a break, that's for certain but I do understand how stress can really overwhelm sometimes and he's under a shit load of it.

I'm usually the first to say LTB, and if you want to go, then you know what's best for you. But.. if you're unsure, why not see about a break for say a month and see how you feel?

If you feel relieved, then you have your answer.

AnoukSpirit · 01/09/2018 18:02

He doesn't need you, he is fucking controlling and manipulating you.

He sounds abusive. I highly, highly doubt his ex is telling any lies. You could have lifted your description of this scenario out of a textbook on abuse.

Ditch the nasty piece of work and get yourself on the Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You do not exist to meet other people's needs at the expense of your own. He is making you miserable. If he remotely cared about you he would not be behaving like this.

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 01/09/2018 19:16

Thankyou for your replies. I have just downloaded a book from that website.

I don't know what's wrong with me I'm an absolute wreck. I keep thinking if he wasn't going through such a hard time It would have been easy to walk away. But I'm so scared of upsetting him further.

OP posts:
Irinn · 01/09/2018 20:25

He needs you for what now? To drop his frustration on your head?
If you don't feel like continue that, you should better stop. Its ok to upset him, but his behaviour is not ok at all.

Tell him how you feel, what he is doing wrong, what he has to do and if he won't get it, then its better to finish that. Don't keep yourself in relations that don't bring you happiness)

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 03:44

You need to end it. As you don't live together it should be uncomplicated. If you don't want to go into his issues...tell him you've a lot going on and need to call time on the relationship.

Or that you need space.

Just say you don't want to go into the detail of the issues...but you're not in a place for a relationship right now.

No fuss...no drama...no blame.

wafflyversatile · 02/09/2018 04:17

I don't think his ex is lying.

LellyMcKelly · 02/09/2018 07:35

Pretty sure his ex isn’t telling lies, and he’s about to lose his children because of his controlling behaviour. I’m guessing you’re experiencing the tip of the iceberg and if you let this carry on it will only get worse. Sulking and telling you what you can’t and can’t talk about to the extent that you feel you’re walking on eggshells is not normal. I’d run for the hills because you’re not going to have a happy life with this one.

subspace · 02/09/2018 08:06

Yikes.

Agree with the others ... he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. I think he is acting nice to get what he wants, and that's not the same thing at all.

And I worry that his ex might not be telling lies at all.

I'd get some advice from a DA charity and absolutely LTB.

Rosemary46 · 02/09/2018 08:11

I have had a really tough time in the past with PTSD and massive depression. I am still taking antidepressants but for the first time in 8 years I have started feeling so low I wonder why I'm still here?

There’s your answer. He’s making you feel like shit by his behaviour.

Your instincts are right - end this relationship. Don’t give his lots of reasons he can argue with , just say you are ending it because it’s not working for you.

Whatever he says, just keep repeating that .

NadiaLeon · 02/09/2018 08:14

A complicated situation with his behaviour and your mental health issues.
Maybe you'd be better off apart? There maybe someone out there more suitable for you.

Luglio · 02/09/2018 08:16

Yes you should leave him.

(And I only read the first three sentences.)

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 02/09/2018 10:49

Thankyou. I haven't spoke to him now for 2 days! So he knows things aren't right. I'll have to do it soon mind!

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 02/09/2018 10:56

Firstly, your children aren't 'all you're living for', in a negative way. One's children are the right reason to stay alive. So you're ok on that.

He's nasty. You shouldn't have to 'walk on eggshells', anywhere. And especially at home. Your home should be where you close the door on the stresses of the world and relax. Any issues there should be yours, not his.

So, I'm looking forward to hearing that you've told him it's over. Your life should get much better from doing that.

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 02/09/2018 12:06

Ok. I've done it. I've sent a message. I know it's not the best way to do it but I know if I speak to him he will talk me round and I won't be able to say what I want to say.

We've broken up and got back together sooo many times over our relationship every time I've done this he talks me round in one way or another with his crying and begging. I just end up feeling so sorry for him and end up taking him back.

I know he's read the message now and this time he hasn't replied? Yet?..

All sorts are going through my head right now.

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 02/09/2018 12:10

How are you feeling about it ? You say that all sorts of thoughts are going round in your head .

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 02/09/2018 12:24

I feel sick that I could leave him when he needs me. I feel like I'm kicking him when he's down and I don't want to hurt him. Not at all.

I'm worried about talking to him. Worried that he will try and talk me round.

But he still hasn't called or replied. Normally he would have done one or the other by now and I've heard nothing.

I just feel weird

OP posts:
Original poster
Needallthehelp · 02/09/2018 13:49

2 hours and he's read the message but still nothing?

OP posts:
CherryCherryCherry · 02/09/2018 13:57

Imo he sounds immature and hard work. Don't waste anymore of your energy on him. Who needs another kid (that won't grow up.) He's a mood sucker and as you have broken up loads before and then got back out of pity then eventually you will resent him. Just leave it. You've told him. Prob sulking waiting for you to worry (and then contact him) which is exactly what you're doing. Let go and live your life. Flowers

Rosemary46 · 02/09/2018 14:01

No he doesn’t need you. He’s a grown man with a job, kids, friends and family. He knows where to get professional help if he needs it.

However your KIDS need you. And you owe it to then and to yourself to put yourself first. Your mental and emotional health matters and this guy is dragging you down with his controlling behaviour and constant dramas.

See how you are feeling now ? He has trained you to feel like this. The anxiety and uncertainty of knowing not if it’s on of off. Dreading the next message or phone call but also wanting to hear from him just so you know. Fear of what he might do next.

It’s all done so you can’t think about anything except him.

He’s fucking with your head and doing it very well. No wonder you are stressed, confused and unhappy. You are being abused.

Don’t talk to him it you don’t want to, it’s not compulsory. Don’t take his calls. Don’t answer the door if he calls round.

If you feel you HAVE to talk to him, meet him in a public place like a cafe or shopping centre. Skip the crying and begging.

wafflyversatile · 02/09/2018 14:09

Try to avoid meeting him and get yourself some sort of mantra. Don't get drawn into whys. I've made my mind up. I don't want to talk it through. It is finished.

Well done!

Original poster
Needallthehelp · 02/09/2018 15:58

Well I still feel weird. I feel guilty. I keep thinking he's here at the house. Every car that goes past I keep thinking it's him come to have it out with me.

Still no reply but he has deleted his FB account.

I am worried because it's unusual not to hear anything. But maybe your right maybe it is to get me to worry about him?

God knows.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 02/09/2018 16:02

He's a sulker. He's upping the sulking and deleting FB to worry you.

You have to try and not have him on your mind

Maelstrop · 02/09/2018 22:32

Why are you feeling guilty?! This guy is doing a great job of fucking with your head! He’s an idiot and abusive to boot. He vents about his problems yet doesn’t care about yours or your opinions. Wanker. Bin him, who cares if he claims he’s upset? You shouldn’t be made to feel bad in your own home, just get rid.