Worried about friend

[Iloveshowerstoomuch]

Hope this is the right place to post!

A close friend of mine went through a break up (2 years ago). She has gone from being very depressed and has started to get her life back on track. I am pleased she has started to make progress to move on.

However, I am worried about her. Her behaviour has become more and more erratic. At first little things like shaving her hair (think dramatic new look) and piercings etc which I thought was a bit odd but then decided she was trying to reinvent herself from housewife to free and single? Sorry if that comes across wrong I just mean it was never her style before (I actually don't think she looks bad now just dramatically different).

She has started seeing multiple men, stringing them along etc then saying to me she doesn't want to hurt anyone? This has included married men. As I myself am married and would hate to be a wife of any of these men I have told her that I seriously disapprove of this. I asked her to think of what it would be like to be the wives and while at first she said 'well it's not me who is married!' she now tells me she has stopped seeing them.

She has also become really bad with finances, she was never great but now it's awful. She has lost her home and had to move into a flat because she didn't keep up the payments. She is now driving a motorbike with no tax and no insurance. She never has money despite a well paid job as she goes out and spends it on nights out etc. Last week we went out for a catch up to a major shopping centre and she spent around £300 on clothes etc. Today she has text asking to lend money as she has only £40 till payday on the 28th? I have said no. This is not the first time she has asked and I have already paid deposit money directly to her landlord for her when she first lost her house. I can not afford to lend more because I know I won't get it back. I've written off the deposit.

I don't want to post details on here for obvious reasons but she is going out drinking a lot and has now started doing things that could (if her job find out) have her sacked. She works with children. I'm worried sick. She says these things are one offs. Some of these things are technically legal but stupid and some are illegal (though she says that was once and never again as she realised how bad it was).

I'm sorry if this post seems like I'm a judgemental cow. I'm really worried about her. I went out with her for lunch yesterday and had a chat about it all and said I was worried. She promised me she had got all of it out of her system. But today she has text asking for money and telling me she went out last night for one last time?

:-(

Do you think she could be bipolar? Some of her spending habits sound like the actions of someone in a manic episode...

I don't know...she definitely has some mh problems. She had a counsellor but she said they were useless so now won't go back :-(

Some counsellors probably aren't great, in fairness. Also, you don't get much from the first session or two.

There's only so much you can do. Maybe you need to work on your own boundaries. Be a caring friend but not a caretaker. Is there anyone else close to her that you could share your worries with?

I had a similar situation with a friend. She dumped on me regularly and got involved with a married man. He ended up leaving his wife and children for her and then she changed her mind! It was very hard for me to see her through all of that..the fall-out was immense.

you really can only do so much. I've made the dreadful error in so many of my friendships of trying too hard to help them. A step back (while still caring) might be what you need.

By the first line, I meant she needs a better therapist. It's up to her to persevere and sort that out.

Also, my friend with all the issues refused therapy because she said it was no better than talking to me. Meanwhile, I was talking to my therapist about how stressed I was from her!

In the end, I pulled back (about 8 years later!!) and guess what? She's seeing a therapist..

@Isitovernow yes I think you're right. It's really taking a toll on me and I'm currently pregnant so could do without the stress :-/ as awful as that sounds! She's become quite reliant and often complains if I haven't seen her in a week.

She had a counsellor when she first got divorced, he seemed useless! She then got another she liked and went to her until about maybe two months ago. Now she is refusing to go back saying it's pointless and she is alright :-/

But she's obviously not all right. And worse, she's relying on you when you really need to take care of your own physical and emotional health. I do think you can still be her friend while taking a step back. When she starts off-loading or detailing risky behaviour, could you just gently say, 'have you thought any more about seeing another therapist? I think it could really help you' and then proceed to talk about something to do with you and your life?

I could be wrong but I am imagining a fairly one-sided friendship? Maybe not.

I've been in countless friendships like these and only now at 36 years of age am I starting to re-assess my own boundaries.

Losing her home, she is not alright. She is on self-destruct mode!! Interesting she stopped you g to her counsellor. Perhaps her counsellor said so etching she didn't want to hear.

You are a good friend, op. But you have to think of yourself and your baby on the way (congratulations!). You are right to set you dates. I'd tell her that you are finding it all stressful and are thinking of your baby. At least then she understands why you are stepping back.

Sorry, damn phone. Stopped going to her counsellor and set boundaries

Yes your both right :-/ it has become a bit one sided. I guess I feel a lot of guilt because I have everything she had (she mc shortly before the divorce) but that isn't my fault and I can't let this keep going. I think I might ring her mum and maybe tell her what's going on? Would that be really bad?

Well it sounds like she's heading down a dodgy road. If her mother is a reasonable and reasoned person, it could be worth chatting to her in the context of 'I'm just so worried about her.' But only if her mother has the wit to handle it sensitively.

If you think your friend would flip the lid if she found out, then don't. The last thing you need now is any unnecessary stress.

Impossible isn't it! I'm going to see if there is any improvement and try to back away a bit...I already feel like I'm nagging her all the time but it's so frustrating to watch!

That's the thing. It's very hard to watch someone self-destruct.

When I was in your situation, my friend listened to none of my advice and did what suited her regardless. I was always there to help her pick up the pieces afterwards.

A little assertion while showing you still care will go a long way. The best of luck to you and your baby.

Thank you 💐