Husband I fear has stopped loving me

[Rosey12]

Hi everyone, I am a bit nervous about posting in case I am judged but I really need to get this out somehow. I don't have many people I can talk too and my parents have both passed away, my Mum just last year.

Things with my husband have not been good for a few years now. I have two teenagers from a previous marriage and met my current husband 11 years ago, been married for 7 years. We moved into his house, which is in his name.

He is becoming increasingly bad tempered and distant. He treats his family and his own children like gold ... but me it's different.

For example, on recent holiday his mood just changed on the first night, we argued about how fed up he looked and he said he liked nothing on the menu, didn't like where we were seated (I offered to ask to be moved but he said no) bit my head off and then when I had enough and got my bag to get up he aggressively shouted at me not to get down from the dinner table. I was crying and the waiter kept looking over. Not a good start to our holiday.

Not fair on the children at all, it is years since we had a holiday and the last thing they needed was to see us fighting. My eldest saw how upset I was and kept asking if I was OK.

Once on holiday, the first few days he was still grumpy. Walking 50 paces ahead of us barely looking at me, not holding my hand etc. The rows continued. Finally I said to him I have (again) had enough. He said it was work and he was stressed about work. Trust me this is all he has said for the last 6 years. I have helped him, talked with him, tried to get him to find another job but every time he gets an interview and offered the job he doesn't take it.

I can't take much more. He has a hobby that takes him out of the house every Saturday or Sunday pretty much if the weather is good. This is fine as I think it helps him with stress. But we don't do anything together, there are no date nights no special us time and he doesn't seem to want to do anything with me.

He is charming as hell to everyone on the outside and has made new friendships through his hobby and to me he seems to value these friendships and time more that doing anything with us.

The way he treats me is I think emotionally abusive. No more 'I love yous' no affection, sex life has dwindle. I don't think he respects me as a person anymore. It's not looking good.

I want to walk away often but I am stuck, as I have no where else to go, as I mentioned the house is in his name so it would have to be me and my kids that leave with nothing.

I really don't want to waste any more years with someone who really doesn't care about me but I am scared of how to move on. Thanks for reading .

If you're married then you'd have a claim on the house. I cannot stand people who are lovely to outsiders but mean and horrible to the ones they're closest to. It should be the other way round.

It can't be fun for your teenagers being in this atmosphere. Is their dad on the scene?

He is perhaps aware of the financial implications of a split. I would get legal advice. In the meantime, encourage him to be doing his hobby as much as possible...

Did he already own the property when you married? You might need to get legal advice as to whether you might be entitled to anything upon divorce (have you been paying half the mortgage if there is one? Etc)

Do you have a job and income? Start saving so that you can afford a deposit on a cheap rental with the kids.

I guess you need to sit him down and state bluntly why you are not happy, and you are prepared to work at your marriage, but only if he is too.

Other than that, I agree get legal advice. If a long marriage (regarded as 10+years) then 50/50 split is the starting point. You can also add in years living together before marriage. Then allowances are made for other factors - what assets were brought in, reasonable needs of both sides and earning capacity.

It doesn't matter whether he already owned the house when you married. The important thing is you married him so you've got a claim. Are you working? Could you afford to just leave and rent somewhere while everythng gets sorted out? (I don't suppose he'll leave!)

Thanks so much everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. I don't want to stop trying but it feels so one sided.

I will have it out with him over this weekend, I am not afraid to confront him anymore and need this sorted for the children's sake. I will get some legal advice too, there is no harm doing this.

I will start to put away some money too if worst case. I will write again soon as things develop to update you all. Take care you all x

Doesn't sound good, sounds like he's checked out of the relationship? The walking ahead of you sounds like what happened to me, in fact your whole post is like how my relationship was like!! Go look at The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse by John Gottman. You might find it insightful.

I can't help but I can empathise. I wish my husband had a hobby which got him out of the house. He says he's an introvert but seems jealous of my friendships.

I have no good advice but just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar situation and it's soul destroying and yes, usually a sign they have checked out. I hope you're ok.

Its so painful, isn't it OP. DH gives DD a kiss but totally ignores me

Hello again folks, thanks again for taking time to reply to me. Things have gone from bad to worse...

Had the Mother of all rows last night and I asked him if he has 'checked out' of our relationship. He said yes he thinks he has. So what's the point in me trying anymore?

Yes needyourlovingtouch, it's the most painful thing, I hope you are OK?

So today (after another night for me on the sofa crying) I called the housing team at our local council. I am going to see them tomorrow when the kids are back at school and see what advice they can give me.

I don't think I am entitled to anything out of this house. We have been together about 9 years married 7. I have worked on and off over the years and contribute to most of the food and electric. My youngest has a learning disability, I have no family support here. So has been next to impossible to find work again recenty but I will try.

Will see what happens tomorrow. I have the awful painful knot in my tummy and am anxious about him come back tonight from work. I asked him if he would give me some space last night (his Mum literally lives alone 2 mins away) but nope he won't have her worried about this. I get that but it's awful here trying to carry on.

I will post again tomorrow. Take care you all x

You need to see a solicitor about the house and what you would get from it on divorce. £200 for an hour of their time is expensive but it’ll be worth knowing where you stand.

The council housing person will only offer advice on what they can do for you, which may not be much. I’d emphasise your DD’s needs as much as possible - it may not make any difference, but it’s best not to underplay any difficulties or you’ll end up lower on the priority list than you should.

Have a chat with CAB as well.
See what you would be entitled to, housing, benefits, tax credits, etc....
Does the DC contribute financially?

You must see a solicitor, you are married so will be entitled to half or at least something; you are doing the right thing, he is treating you very cruelly, it's not right and not right for your kids to see, poor you, you deserve so much more than what this nasty git is giving you.

I recently split with H. As you are married,the house is a marital asset no matter whose name is on the paperwork. If your H can show that you have benefitted financially from it, be can claim a bigger share of the profits from it but it won't be 100% - nil. You will be entitled to something.

Bless you all, thank you. Your comments have moved me and given me hope that people out there are kind and know how it feels.

All advice taken on board. Today has been more productive. I waited ages to speak on the phone to CAB but it was worth it. Lovely lady gave me great advice and suggested Mediation? I will see the Council at 10am tomorrow morning. Very nervous about this but I know it has to be done.

I will write once I am back late tomorrow afternoon and let you all know what gives. Take care of yourselves x

I would guess there's an OW in the wings. When holidays bring out the worst in men, it's often because they're pining for something they are usually getting but can't because of the distance away from their usual location as well as difficulty in finding privacy in holiday accommodations.

People who are genuinely stressed by work are fine at the start of vacations, it's the end that they can't handle as they start to think about heading back.

If he's already furious at the start, it's because he's thinking about all the time he has to be away from what he actually likes. Only you can know whether "what he actually likes" is his career or someone else.

I know exactly where your coming from. He is a false figure. My partner, (soon to be ex), is exactly like this. Happy, social and pleasant to their friends and outsiders, but so negative around their partner. And they get annoyed and peeved because we see them as negative individuals. Don't stress, you are married to him so half the house as assets are yours. Leave the pig