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Original poster

Pub

46 replies

Lozxx · 01/09/2018 10:25

I just need your opinion's on this subject. So I have a 15 month old with my partner, he loves the pub. Every week I have to hear about him wanting to go to the pub alone (he has no friends) I've tried to explain that on the day you cannot just say you are going to the pub because we have a family and things are different to when it was just us or he was single. We battle daily about him wanting to go to the pub, I hate that he hasn't changed his ways😩 am I overreacting or not? I worry about his health, the money he spends, the time he will miss with us. Now I know people need down time but I'm trying to find him something that's good for him

OP posts:

user14869556378 · 01/09/2018 11:19

I really don't think anything wrong with him going to pub for a few hours once or twice a week. Surely if he has no friends you'd encourage him to get out and chat to people which he's doin? If this is what he enjoys and relaxes him, let him!

Paddley · 01/09/2018 11:28

OP, are you saying he drinks 9/10 pints + other stuff and stays out for 5/6 hours each time he goes out?

Mookie81 · 01/09/2018 11:28

Are you all morons?
She is very clearly saying he wants to go out at least 4 times a week. When he does go out he is out for 5-6 hours at a time and drinks 9-10 at a time.
Completely unacceptable. I'd also be worried about why he has no friends.

Promiseme · 01/09/2018 11:30

9-10 drinks each night? Too much if so

LadyBaneGrey · 01/09/2018 11:32

How much does he have unit-wise over a week, then? Sounds unhealthy, and that would be my main worry.

Original poster

Lozxx · 01/09/2018 11:33

@Paddley yes pretty much and then we he comes home I have to hear about alcohol no longer agreeing with him.
@Mookie81 this is my point, nobody seems to think it's unhealthy but if I didn't care about him I wouldn't worry for his health. He can't sleep well after, he gets groggy and moans about the side affects so I struggle to understand what good benefits there are. He struggles to have friends because he has an odd personality but I am trying to help him become friends with a guy at work by inviting them all over

OP posts:

Original poster

Lozxx · 01/09/2018 11:35

The point I am making is 3/ 4x he will ask to go, I of course say no because that's crazy. I would never stop him socialising but i believe the pub isn't great for his mindset

OP posts:

Promiseme · 01/09/2018 11:35

Do you think he is an alcoholic op?

Paddley · 01/09/2018 11:37

If drink is causing you problems, but you carry on drinking at the same level then you have a dependency issue.

That's way, way too much, and what does other stuff mean?

MiddleClassProblem · 01/09/2018 11:38

You said you don’t want him going out once a week though.

It sounds like he’s drinking to much though.

I would say once a week for 4/5 pints. That’s a compromise.

Original poster

Lozxx · 01/09/2018 11:42

No he's not an alcoholic but definitely enjoys drinking but then moans about the effects. I'm just battling with him about it, I understand he wants a life outside us but why can't it be going cinema, going gym, going out for dinners? He enjoys them things and they have better benefits

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 01/09/2018 11:44

9/10 pints a week is say 20 units (conservative)

3 times a week is 60 units

That is problem drinking.

Does he drive the day after he's been out?

Also 6 hours is too much.

The thing is op you can't fix this, this is who he is and he has to want to change it. Do you want to become his keeper/parent? Because thats what's happening here.

No problem with a couple of hours once or twice a week and 2/3 pints. This is excessive. And probably means he can't help with the baby the next day too?

Promiseme · 01/09/2018 11:46

Does he drink at home on the nights he stays in?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2018 11:55

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. They certainly do not all sit on park benches.

Why are you trying to help him as you are; its not working is it?. He will not change for you; this is who he is. What are you getting out of this relationship other than trying - and failing to rescue and or save him here. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and nor is he a pet project.

What do you mean by him having an "odd personality".

Winchester89 · 01/09/2018 12:02

I think there is a difference between asking 4/5 times and going 4/5 times. You say he is asking and you say no, so obviously he is asking again. He's not getting to go 4/5 times.

RabbitsAreTasty · 01/09/2018 12:03

There's a great big undertone of you having decided how any husband of yours should behave then getting the hump when he doesn't comply.

Stop trying to fix his life to be what you want. That path leads only to anger and frustration. He is an adult. He can make adult decisions.

What's the going out budget? You and he should agree a suitable monthly budget each for going out. Neither of you gets a say on how the other one spends it.

What's the going out nights "budget"? How many alone nights out a week do you each get? How many nights out a month together? Agree it, use your own budget, don't interfere in how he spends his.

What's the hangover policy? Is sympathy given, breaks from childcare to recover? Not in our house (except on very rare occassions). Eye roll at the other one and "oh, that's gonna hurt" when hungover person is stuck managing a toddler.

Trying to push him to make friends with work colleagues is weird. He is an adult. So what if he's a loner type adult. Many people are. It isn't something to be fixed by you.

Your posts scream codependent partner of an alcoholic or proto-alcoholic. Look it up. Stop yourself from following that path. It will make you both miserable.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 12:12

So he's not going out 4/5 times a week. He just asks that many times and you say no? Have I got that right?

Sorry, but you hugely controlling. You don't get to decide what his hobbies are and how he should spend his socialising time. I love going to the pub and having a few drinks with my friends. Is choose that over the cinema any day of the week.

My ex was like you. Hated me drinking and going out to the pub - I grew to resent him and his controlling ways. I hated having to beg to go out and hated being made to feel guilty for doing something I enjoyed.

I very rarely say this but leave the poor guy alone and let him enjoy himself.

I've already says this but why don't you go with him every once in a while?

MiddleClassProblem · 01/09/2018 12:24

I think there is a difference between asking 4/5 times and going 4/5 times

That’s what I’m reading too. He asks and then you argue about it and he doesn’t go?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 12:35

I bet he drinks that much in one session because he doesn't know when he'll be allowed out next. I bet if you relaxed and just accepted that he likes going to the pub once or twice a week he'd not go as crazy or as often!

Mookie81 · 02/09/2018 22:36

@Lozxx I think you need to post this somewhere else, you're going to get no help here.
Good luck

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 02/09/2018 22:44

@mookie where else should she post it? I suspect the advice would be the same elsewhere.... although probably much more harsh and direct in AIBU

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