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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU?!? PLEASE!!

24 replies

Blanca123 · 01/09/2018 10:18

My partner and I are expecting our first child, every decision I have been presented with during this pregnancy I have ALWAYS ran past him or got his view on so he feels as involved as possible as this is our child, we have an amazing relationship when his family aren’t mentioned.

His mother and sister constantly disrespect me and have had no interest in getting to know me.

He wants his mother at the 16 week scan, I don’t feel comfortable her being there as we have no relationship, she’s always been quite nasty towards me, she’s not contacted me ONCE during our pregnancy, in fact when we told her we were expecting she made a comment about having a DNA test.

Me and my partner are now not communicating and its stressing me out, we only argue about them and his lack of support when it comes to them, am I being unreasonable in not wanting her there? I feel as though during this pregnancy he has excluded me from certain things involving them and our child and I’ve let it all slip through my fingers as he dismisses me when they are brought up so I don’t want anymore situations to happen where I’m not comfortable.

OP posts:

FlamingoLass · 01/09/2018 10:26

It’s your appointment, it’s to check baby , it’s not for entertainment. I think the expecting mother always calls the shots when it comes to appointments

NotTheFordType · 01/09/2018 10:26

So let me get this straight. His mother made a comment that your baby is probably not his, and he wants to invite her to the scan?

Fuck that.

LanceStatersGold · 01/09/2018 10:30

At my hospital only one adult is allowed in for scans unless it’s a mother under 18. Have you checked if that’s the case for you?

LanceStatersGold · 01/09/2018 10:30

I mean only one adult + expectant Mum.

Freshstart19 · 01/09/2018 10:36

No you are not. It's an intimate scan and she is clearly not welcome. Tell him No! End of! He can show the witch a scan picture of "HIS" child after.
Stupid cow.

Isitovernow · 01/09/2018 14:47

Good god, she sounds awful. A DNA test, really? That's rotten.

of course you're not being unreasonable in not wanting your partner's mother at your first scan? He needs to step up here and tell his mother he'd rather it just be the two of you!

DifficultDIY · 01/09/2018 15:29

Smile sweetly and say the hospital rules only allow 1 companion to accompany you.
Don't even bother getting into the whys and wherefores. You don't need to.

It's a pity you need to ask if you are being unreasonable though. YAMDNBU.

Hopoindown31 · 01/09/2018 16:10

There seem to be lots of these threads with DM and MIL wanting to attend scans. No it isn't reasonable and I have to say it never has even occured to me to have either mother present and they didn't ask. It is a medical appointment to check the baby.

Spudina · 01/09/2018 16:30

Your MIL sounds vile. And everyone is right. Scans are a medical appointment to make sure all is well. Not an entertainment show. Tell them no one but the Dad is allowed. And to quote a MN classic. If he can't support you against his family, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a partner problem.

HalfGreekBitch · 01/09/2018 16:35

Spudina, I second that, spot on

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 16:39

No she shouldn't be there if you don't want her to be.

But the number of threads you've had about your hatred of his family suggests that it is consuming you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2018 16:45

What reasoning did he give you if any for wanting his mother at the 16 week scan?. Was it because she demanded it?. Is he really afraid that he will get it in the neck from her further if she is not there.

And no she should not be there because she wants to be there. This is not pay per view.

Your partner is also a major problem because of his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother. However, what he fails to realise that his own inertia too when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you. He will not likely shift from that position even when your child is born because he is far more afraid of her (and his sister who seems to be a carbon copy of mother) than he ever would be of you.

What is going to happen when these two women become an aunt and grandmother to your child?. They will likely continue to disrespect you as this child's mother and that relationship, bad as it already is, will further deteriorate. And he will continue to not have your back here.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 01/09/2018 17:40

Does he want her to go because your Mum is going? If so then you probably are BU.

noego · 01/09/2018 22:00

If he can't support you against his family, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a partner problem.

She gets to control you by controlling him.

melissasummerfield · 01/09/2018 22:03

Are you in the UK? You only get scans at 12 and 20 weeks usually?

GummyGoddess · 01/09/2018 22:08

No, what if something was wrong? Surely he can see how inappropriate it would be to have her there?

Looneyloo · 01/09/2018 23:28

I’m sure they only let your partner into the scan? If it’s an NHS scan? With my second child, I brought my partner and 3 YO daughter with me to the detailed scan and the sonographer wouldn’t let either in because purely it’s a detailed scan to check the health of your baby.

Original poster

Blanca123 · 02/09/2018 07:53

Because it will be a private scan I’m sure I can have upto 3 people in the room because initially we were both really excited and wanted to find out everything we could about baby as soon as possible regarding health and sex as I’ve miscarried before but now he won’t talk to me calmly and has told me I’m ruining the pregnancy for him which upsets me as I genuinely take on everything he says regarding this baby and the pregnancy, my mother wouldn’t be going I just think scans are quite intimate and it’s something you and the child’s father should keep private until after and obviously his mother hasn’t been the most pleasant so I wouldn’t feel comfortable and would feel anxious about what would come out of her mouth next it almost took away from the previous scan we had when we seen her after and she made the comments about a dna test, like you’ve taken our joyous baby scan day and tainted it

OP posts:

Cambionome · 02/09/2018 07:57

What was his take on the DNA comment?!

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 02/09/2018 08:04

To be honest this isn’t looking good for when your baby arrives. You have your DP mother and sister who don’t like you, his mother saying the baby isn’t his, your DP not talking to you as you don’t want his mother at the scan. What’s going to happen when this baby arrives? It won’t get better. It’s time for a tough talk with your OH and agree a way forward. If you are not clear now it will get worse and affect your relationship. For what it’s worth I would never have brought my outlaw to a scan. It’s very personal and you may not always get good news and she wouldn’t have been someone who would have supported me.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 02/09/2018 08:07

I would also turn the tables and challenge him about him ruining your pregnancy by his unreasonable request to allow someone to come to your scan who has made comments about paternity and you don’t have a relationship with.

Seniorschoolmum · 02/09/2018 08:09

Explain to.your dh that the purpose of a scan is to discover if there is anything wrong.
If the scan shows an anomaly then he and you will need time to cope with that together before telling the outside world. Had he thought of that? A scan is not a fun thing.
I agree, you have a partner problem. Cancel the appt if he will not back you up.

sansouci · 02/09/2018 08:22

I think he's tainting your pregnancy.

heartsease68 · 02/09/2018 08:27

If, Good forbid, the scan shoes something that needs further investigation, you and your DP will need to work as a team with DP giving you his full support. Given your MILs comments before, it's clear that she would not be an appropriate person to have 'supporting' at that time.

I strongly suggest you and DP go to counselling together. This is a big issue and time is limited to work it out.

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