Getting out of an abusive relationship, trying to help my sister

[Peanutbutter1987]

Hi Guys. I'm new here and was advised this is a great place for help and advice. I'm trying to help my sister get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Her husband is so controlling, abusive, checks her phone, messages, has ostracised her from her friends and family and refuses to get out of the family home when she's tried to leave him. This is a very brief description but he is awful and manipulative.

She has 2 kids with him and they have a shared council house. She doesn't really want to take the kids to a refuge but he refuses to leave. I've done some research for her and thought she may be able to get an injunction but am not sure? She basically needs to either arrange to get him out of the home somehow or arrange in secret to leave but he checks her phone etc and she's always either at home because he kicks off whenever she wants to leave, or at work, hence why I'm trying to help her on secret. We can hardly talk on the phone because he gets suspicious. She's obviously worried about the kids and wants them to have their family home still but will leave if she has to, for their sake. I think with an injunction a judge may rule that she and the kids need the house more so he will have to leave? Please help, any advice would be so appreciated! What is the best way for her and the kids to safely get out and preferably to keep their home? He is unhinged so I'm really scared for them, but he's never been physical so nothing the police will do.

Your poor sister. I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice here. The first port of call should be a phone call to Women's Aid.

Call women's aid 0808 2000 247.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical for the police to be involved - coercive control is a crime, and that is exactly what you are describing here. If they've told you otherwise then the person you spoke to was wrong. Try again, and use the words coercive control. It's been a crime since 2015, they have no excuse for being inept about it.

Realistically, leaving in secret without warning is the safest way forward. There are ways to get him out the house and theoretically to stay away from her, but he doesn't sound like he'd respect it. So she'd be on eggshells and vulnerable to him showing up, making demands, manipulating her, etc.

Help her sort out somewhere to go, and help her leave when he's out.

Women's aid can help with where to go, where she stands, and the important things to try and bring with her.

Once she's out help her to get a space on the Freedom Programme (and probably counselling too) so she won't be as vulnerable to his manipulation and getting sucked back in. It will help her build a future life.

Be aware that even when you want to leave it is tough to do. It's frightening, confusing, and she will probably be filled with guilt. Don't expect her to feel happy, jubilant, or safe in the immediate aftermath. With support, it will probably take a few months before she starts to feel like she can see a future for herself and to have confidence she did the right thing. In the interim there will be wobbles, and fear, and guilt, and grief for the life she dreamed she would have with him.

Don't give up on her if it takes her several attempts before she manages to leave permanently. It's incredibly difficult to break free. Don't tell her what to do or give her ultimatums. Be there to give her her power back over her own life.

Going on the Freedom Programme yourself will help you to understand what it's like for her and how it will have affected her mentally. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I know women who've spent time in refuges with their children. It's temporary as a stepping stone, and although sad to be in a position where it's necessary it's also positive as a tool to get you to safety and support. And the women I know who've been through it are doing great now.