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Relationships

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Original poster

Been with partner three months, just found out I'm pregnant. Advice??

20 replies

J1gglypuff · 01/09/2018 08:51

This has come as a surprise to us, we are very happy together but obviously it's early days. I just want to pull on others experiences? I don't want him to move in right away, I'd feel so overwhelmed by everything. I have an absolutely fantastic support system and he says he's with me 100% no matter what. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance from anyone who has been through similar.

OP posts:

Jsku · 01/09/2018 09:00

Obviously a lot depends on your situation.
How old you are, how stable your financial situation is, if being a single mother is something you can imagine....
Personally - unless it were my last chance to have a baby - i’d not bring a child into such situation...

Child is a life-long commitment, and it’s hard work. And even when one is in a stable relationship and is mature enough to have a child - it’s hard, it changes your life, changes your relationship with a partner.

At three months in - neither of you know each other well, or at all, really. It’s easy for him so say - he’ll support you, etc. Because in the end - of things don’t work - he will be able to just leave, and you’ll stay with the child.

It’s a big life changing decision. And - in an ideal world should be taken by you, not by chance.

Lifeisabeach09 · 01/09/2018 09:22

You will likely end up doing this solo. Do you have the support system to manage this-emotionally, financially and socially?

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoooorrr · 01/09/2018 09:27

This happened to one of my best friends. They'd been together about 2-3 months and found out she was pregnant. She'd have been 19, he would have been about 23. We all thought they were stupid and it would never last.

The decided to go ahead with it, and five years later, they're married and have the most lovely little boy and are trying for number two.

It hasn't been easy. But they've been really determined to make it work. They've had a really hard time of it, purely because most friends didn't support them and neither did their families, but they just got on with it.

RainySeptember · 01/09/2018 10:07

Personally I would terminate, unless it was my last chance of motherhood.

If you can't bear that, make plans to be a single mother. I know what he's saying at the moment but talk is cheap. Plan for the worst so it'll be a pleasant surprise if he steps up.

IME men like to see themselves as a hero until you start making demands on their time and money, curtailing their freedom. Then it's 'you trapped me'.

Thebluedog · 01/09/2018 10:09

Firstly congratulations
I’m currently sat on the sofa next to my 10 yr old dd who was as a result of a relationship 4 months in. I married him but we’re divorced now, but hey, my dd is awesome and I wouldn’t be without her

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 01/09/2018 10:17

Congratulations. Be careful here. You don't know each other well enough to trust each other with whatever the future may bring. If his name goes on the birth certificate, he has full parental rights over your child and you are tied to him for the forseeable future. If you decide to stay with him and don't get married, he still has all those parental rights, but you have absolutely no property rights or rights to be supported by him should it all go wrong. A lesson I am learning the hard way. This all needs to be discussed

Zoflorabore · 01/09/2018 10:19

Op there is no reason to see this as a disaster given that you sound so happy and as you say, have a lot of support in place.

There are plenty of others on here, me included, who have had children after being in relationships for years and it hasn't worked out. Time does not guarantee a happy ending.

Ok this is a surprise/shock but if it's what you want then go for it. Many people I know have experienced similar and are still together.

Oh and congrats xx

KnotsInMay · 01/09/2018 10:29

Talk about the cold hard realities and don’t be afraid to be clear.

Talk about money. Childcare. Whether you live together or not will he accommodate paying for childcare costs 50%. If you drop work hours, will he too? How will maternity leave be covered: will he contribute towards supporting you while you are on reduced pay?

Give the baby your surname. (MN is full of posters who have given the baby from a new relationship the father’s name and regretted it).

Musti · 01/09/2018 11:03

I got pregnant a few months in and had 2 more kids with him. The problem was that I thought I knew him but he has many issues which make him controlling, emotionally and financially abusive as well as jealous. I put myself in a very vulnerable position.

By all means be excited and enjoy your pregnancy and relationship but make sure that you are still completely independant. Keep your job, house, financial independence and make sure he shares the parenting and any career sacrifice. If you end up together, great, but if you find out that he's not what he seems etc, you have the means to leave the relationship.

Alwayscommuting · 01/09/2018 11:36

My mum would have been in a similar situation as you the difference was I was planned (which in my opinion makes her bat shit but that's another story). She had me and I'm glad I exist! However she thought she knew my dad and she didn't. She ended up on her own with 2 children but she says she wouldn't do things any differently if she could do it all over again.

BatteredBitties · 01/09/2018 11:50

I got pregnant 4 months in. I also ended up seriously ill for a while. It hasn't always been easy and there have been bumps along the way but we love each other very much and have a beautiful son together. And he has supported me through everything. We've been together 3 1/2 years.

Congrats op

OutPinked · 01/09/2018 11:54

What has he said? Did he give a measured and reasonable response or has he freaked out?

People do get through situations like this and come out stronger but I would say that is rarer than the couples who end up snapping under the pressure. Pregnancy and having a newborn puts an enormous strain on even the strongest of relationships. I have been with DP for almost three years and we have struggled during the pregnancy. Just my crazy hormones creating problems .

I would consider whether you can manage financially first of all, you need to be realistic right now rather than sentimental. Also consider whether you want to be tied to this guy for the rest of your life. I know it’s easy to imagine they are ‘the one’ during the honeymoon stage, you don’t know any of his really annoying habits yet. The honeymoon stage will soon draw to a close when you’re waddling around like a whale.

Would you live together? That’s another thing you have to consider, you don’t even know what he is like to live with- he could be awful!

Monica2005 · 01/09/2018 11:56

Thanks everyone for being so honest. We both already have children from previous relationships (a girl each). I am booked in with the hospital for 12th September which was the earliest appointment available, so I have time to think and weigh up all of my options.

Monica2005 · 01/09/2018 11:58

When I told him he was shocked, but immediately turned around and told me whatever I decide to do he is behind me 100%. He's been very level headed about this so far, it's been me freaking out admittedly

cricketmum84 · 01/09/2018 12:03

I had a very similar situation with now DH, our daughter was born the day after our first date anniversary.

(Apart from the pregnancy) we didn't rush things, I was living with my parents and he had bought a house before we had met. I moved in with him at the start of my maternity leave, we were engaged after 3 years and married after 7. Been together for 10 years now and very happy :)

Good luck with the pregnancy - I know how much of a shock it is so early on in the relationship but if you are meant to be together then it will all work out!

Robin2323 · 01/09/2018 12:14

I got pregnant 4 months in.
Had a DD 3 yrs.
he had 2 DSs aged 7 and 9. (Lived) with their mum.
He was born prem so we'd been together 11 months when baby was born.
And what amazing little boy.
And what a great family we have.
24 years on and we are more in love than ever.
The kids are all doing really well.
And the baby at 23 who is very close to me , starts his 3rd at University this months.
Congrats OP xx

Ellen7262 · 01/09/2018 16:18

I fell pregnant with DD after 5 months with her dad. I had a really good job, I had just got a mortgage on my first home, and I was very in love. So we had the baby. I don't regret a thing now, but he turned out to be an absolute dickhead. We broke up when she was 2 months old. You don't know somebody after a few months. The only reason I have managed to make it work is because I was financially secure and had a really supportive family around me. If you don't have those things then it's a recipe for disaster. Think about it very carefully.

safetyfreak · 01/09/2018 17:45

If you have the baby, you must be doing it for YOU. At 3 months you do not really know this man.

I been dating someone for 3 months too and it's only now I realised we may not be as compatible as I first thought. I would terminate of it was me BUT I would not want to risk bringing up another child alone.

If you feel you be happy bring this child up as a single mother then go ahead but don't do it for the relationship.

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 22:42

Your choice. I'd terminate in your position as I want a child of mine brought into a loving stable family environment.
Your obviously very fertile, so that's good.

Lazypuppy · 01/09/2018 23:17

This happened to friends of mine. They terminated as knew it wasn't the right time. They are still together (coming up to 2 years) living together and now starting to talk about starting a family.

It also happened to my BIL, they kept the baby, but broke up after 2 years.

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