Hinting for money?

[PerverseConverse]

I'm doing my usual evening musings and wondering about this. Yes, I know he's an ex, before I get criticised, but like to mull things over and learn from my experiences mistakes. I'm always guilty of overthinking but it's how I figure things out. --

Ex drove an electric hybrid car leased via his company. Cost £300 a month and work paid £200 of that (ish, can't remember exact figures). I don't drive. He lived 45 mins away and said he didn't mind driving to see me. If I suggested getting the train to his (2 trains and about a 2 hour journey) to try and even this up a bit he always told me not to worry, it was easier to come to me and as I had a 2 year old I'd need to take with me due to no child care then I was happier staying put so as not to disrupt my child. He was here about 2-4 nights a fortnight depending on his kids, I provided all the food and cooked although he'd pick up milk or similar if I'd run low. I did his washing (yeah, I know), he had 2 showers a day (no combo boiler and small tank so had to have the hot water on for longer when he was here). If we were out over lunch he'd generally pay but I'd buy coffees, snacks whilst out. Sometimes I did go to his but was such a palaver and as I was on a special diet for ibs I'd usually buy my own food whilst there (and cook it) as he never had any food in. I have no idea what he and his kids ate as the fridge was always empty. He happily ate whatever I cooked.

After a few months he would often comment on how much petrol his car was using, how he was having to fill up frequently due to the tank being small and how much it was costing him. When we went on holiday in another vehicle of his he told me how much it cost in fuel (over £100) and told me how much the site we stayed on cost for each night and stated how expensive it was. He knew that as a SAHM my income was pretty low and I couldn't afford to contribute but I bought most of the food and drink on the holiday instead plus most of the treats. I spent loads on that holiday!

So I got to thinking, was he hinting for me to give him money for fuel?? I'm not great with subtlety as highly likely to be undiagnosed ASD. It just made me feel uncomfortable when he talked about money like that. I was always very grateful for his generosity and tried to equal things up with providing home cooked meals and spoiling him when he was here but think maybe he was expecting an offer of money?

He is an ex for a reason. Why on earth are you giving this man head space and over analysing things? Just move on with your life and forget things.

As above

Maybe, who cares? It's in the past.

Tight-fisted and selfish. You're well rid of him. He's an ex now so forget him. You had a lucky escape

Who cares. It's in the past. Move on.

I understand why you are thinking of this - so that you learn from the past. At least you dodn't offer him money for fuel, your instincts are right. He sounds tight and unattractive in how he treats people. You are well rid. Draw a line under it and move on faster next time if someone shows unattractive traits.

Thank you Diana and Mistress. It's important to me to learn from it, not just move on. As I clearly said in my OP.

Even if people agree he was hinting for money, what would you learn from it? You’re unlikely to be in exactly the same situation in future.

There’s only so much you can learn though because your next relationship will be with someone totally different.

FWIW I think he was probably hinting for money but I think he was unreasonable to do that and you were fine not to offer.

Only thing on the holiday front is that it’s a bit rubbish when you’re the one who pays for the boring stuff like petrol and site fees and someone else pays for the nice treats. As it ended up costing you loads anyway, another time it might be fairer to split the boring stuff and the treats. Not necessarily 50:50 though.

Yeah, maybe he was, but if you miss a hint that’s the hinter’s fault, not yours.

My DP doesn’t really like talking about how to split money - he’d rather just pay for everything than ask me for any - so I make sure before we take a trip I say very clearly “let’s talk about how we’re paying for this trip” and work out a way that it’s fair. That way nobody needs to hint, or end up feeling resentful. It’s not romantic but it’s the best way (usually he pays for it all, let’s me know the total, and I transfer half the money after the trip. Knowing this also means we keep an eye on costs going along to keep to whatever budget we set).

Yes I’d say he was hinting for money. Unless it’s Budget time and the price of petrol has gone up again, or you’re driving past an unreasonably expensive petrol station, there’s really no other reason to talk about the cost of filling up. But ultimately you’ll never know for sure (even if you asked he might not tell the truth) and as he’s your ex it doesn’t matter now anyway. FWIW I think you more than paid your way in that relationship based on what you’ve described.

If it will worry you in the future, I think the comment above about explicitly discussing the cost division in advance is a good one.

I think he was hinting too, but who cares. It's not like you were a gold digger!!

Thank you. Money has always been a recurring issues in relationships. I struggle with fairness around money with everyone and often seem to end up paying more than my share. I'm naturally generous but end up getting taken advantage of. I hate asking for someone's half of something even if that's what we agreed. My stbexh always commented on how I was really tight (I wasn't, we had no spare money back then) so I think I tend to overcompensate. I'm working on my boundaries and have sworn off men but maybe one day I'll be in a relationship again (when I'm in my 80s ).

FYI. If you have agreed to split something, and you paid the full amount, you shouldn’t have to ask for it.

The other person should be contacting you and asking how you wanted the money paid.

If you find yourself in a situation where they aren’t doing this, don’t pay the full amount again. Get them to pay it and you will transfer them your half.

Im a firm believer in both parties should pay their share. For example my ex and i were taking his dc to the zoo, he drove and therefore filled the tank up, he also bought the picnic, i paid entry fees for the 3 of us. It all works out the same.
You say your a single parent, but so was he, its no bodys fault that he worked and you didnt. I have also been in this situation and if i couldnt afford to do something i just wouldnt do it. I wouldnt expect someone else to pay for me.
But in this situation i think you did your share by paying for the food etc. So i wouldnt waste anymore headspace on it.

Awwww am sure you'll meet someone before 80 lol.

When I was in a long distance relationship, I used to pay for my flights (always booked in advance so got them cheap) and he paid for nights out. He ended out forking out far more than me but he also earned a lot more and would not let me pay. I appreciated it as I was not able to afford the meals and nights out he liked to enjoy.

You can't afford what you can't afford. Onwards and upwards my dear

@ALittleBitConfused1 he would sulk if I said I wouldn't go due to finances and insist on paying for some things but it would still end up costing me a lot. He'd make out I was unreasonable for not doing something based on money, or any other reason actually and would push, push, push until I was guilted into it. He'd have told his kids we were going so I'd be disappointing them, I wouldn't get a holiday otherwise, he'd be really upset if I didn't go etc.

Yes he was hinting at you giving him money to cover his extra costs, but he also never offered to cover any extra cost when at yours.

What I would take from this you were not confident enough to say him "Are you asking for me to contribute to your petrol costs because if you are now might be a good time to discuss the extra I'm spending on feeding you, the electric doing your washing and heating the water so you can have your 2 showers a day"

I'm guessing he had know idea how much extra costs you were covering him when he stayed at yours.

I think if and when you have another relationship perhaps have a honest conversation about expectations at the beginning of it.

Maybe hinting for a contribution.

Maybe just flagging up his contribution because you were paying for other stuff, and he wanted to be sure you noticed or weren't resentful of paying for lunch or whatever.

Maybe just a general moan about cost of petrol, no other motive.

Who cares, he's gone.