Can't keep doing this

[youarenot]

Started threads before about my DP who has an habit of taking out loans and not telling me until he needs to, who talks to people about our relationship issues (but doesn't tell me... nor does he tell them what the real issue is) and who has what I can only describe as a gambling problem.

Pay day today, another loan out (not mentioned it to me though...) and after moaning about how he only has such and such left to last all month, he's once again hauled up gambling.

I can't keep doing this. Each month it's a loop from the previous despite how many times I talk to him

Why do you tolerate it , month after month? Does he have good points?

This has been my life along with messaging other woman and a million lies. 3 months ago I kicked him out . He went to his parents promised the world about sorting his debts and instead he's taken out more been on dating sites and lied about where he is. It's over. Don't be a mug like I was put yourself first and walk away

I have no idea. I thought I was supporting him through it, now I just think I'm being a doormat. I literally thought we were getting through it and coming out the other side but then things he was saying (lies) weren't adding up and yes, I snooped, and saw he'd been taking loans out which was having a knock on effect for the following month. He would get away with it because he'd take the loan out, gamble, then borrow money and gamble and usually got 'lucky' and was able to win money to repay just the borrowed money but then the next month it would be the same again. I had no idea until I went looking for answers after what he was saying wasn't adding up to his actions.

Spoke to him about it after hearing him speak to someone about how things were so bad between us (yet I had no idea as I thought we were working it out!) and he only admitted 1 loan. Said it was from months ago and had built up - it wasn't. Took another one out, part paid back today and a massive amount due next month. Unsure how he's going to pay that as it's such an obscene amount that it won't leave any left for rent, bills etc!

We have 3 children and I never wanted them to be raised in a single parent household - I was raised in one and even though she did her best, it was not good enough, not at all. I wanted better for them.

I've made it clear that I can't keep doing this previously and yet here I am.

Tell him he needs to get his wages paid direct in to your bank account, so that he hasn't got any access to money. Preferably close his own account as well, so that he can't get any loans. He needs to understand and accept that the gambling has to stop immediately. Otherwise he has to go. A gambler will bring you to your knees, OP.

Singlenotsingle I was going to say the same thing. If you're going to stay with him, then you need complete control of the finances.

He's got an addiction and needs to admit it to himself before he can get help and get better. There must be support groups out there.

Unfortunately some addicts need to hit rock bottom before getting help. I hope for your sake he isn't one of them and won't drag you down any further.

I wanted better for them.

In what way is this better then?

Things have been on thin ice in all aspects for a while now, lies, secret messages - by that I mean literally closing down the page when near (not that I'd try to read anything anyway) this was a while ago and made it clear that things needed to change. I thought they had. But it seems to be one thing after another.

I'm resigned to that I can't and won't keep doing it. Just unsure as to how to work it from here on in. We have children and I need to keep it as drama free for them as possible, especially the eldest who has complex needs. I can't see a way of changing things that does not involve splitting up and honestly, I don't think I want to anymore.

I'm currently at SAHM which makes it a whole lot more difficult than if I was employed. I could look for work but then how am I going to manage childcare, I don't have any support that could offer any sort of childcare, not even picking the school age ones up from school... I'd need a bloody good wage to pay childcare for them and that's without taking my eldests needs in to account. He hates change, this would be a massive turn his world upside down change.

@Grimbles it isn't... which is the most heartbreaking thing.

I would think childcare cost would be less than his "habits" cost you currently. What does he contribute really, financially, practically and emotionally?

Believe me it's doable I was in exactly the same position as you to a T benefits are available and I have 4 kids! We are managing, I am doing my best to get into work and the job centre have been really supportive so far. Having dependents is a true restriction. As a single parent you would also get up to 70% of childcare fees paid for you once you are in work

I didn't realise single parents get up to 70% of childcare paid.

Sorry to hear you were in the same position but with 4 kids!

Yes they do as part of tax credits or universal credit there is an online benefits calculator you can use which is handy. It's not easy being a single parent but it's better than the alternative for me!
Hope you get through it all and have a tight knit support system in RL