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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband’s depression making him abusive

21 replies

Renegadeintherain · 31/08/2018 20:35

Hi everyone I’m just looking for some advice as to how to handle a difficult situation. DH and I have been married for 4 years with 2 DC, 8 and 3. For as long as I’ve known him I’ve suspected he has depression. He is usually a loving, affectionate husband and father but then something (to me, minor and easily fixed) will trigger him and he will slip into a depression for weeks on end. During this time he is cold, withdrawn, has very little patience with the kids and shouts and swears at them. He has recently been getting worse and has also started calling me names which he has never done before.

I am exhausted from waiting for his next depressive episode and trying to protect the kids from his totally unreasonable rage. I have also now started undermining him in front of them because I can’t stand them being chastised, frightened and humiliated by him for just being children. I know this annoys him but I don’t know how else to handle it.

He admits he has a problem but refuses to see his GP or go to counselling. I have offered to go with him to both/ either but he refuses. How can I help him?

Just a bit of background, his mother was abusive and his dad had several affairs when he was a child. I don’t think he’s ever really come to terms with it.

OP posts:

DieAntword · 31/08/2018 20:40

“I cannot make you seek help for your depression but if you won’t I will be forced to take whatever steps are necessary to protect me and our children from your mood swings”. Then decide what steps they are, articulate them and crucially follow through if he doesn’t go to the dr.

Original poster

Renegadeintherain · 31/08/2018 20:53

Thanks DieAntword

I guess what I’m asking is would I be justified in asking him to leave?

OP posts:

DieAntword · 31/08/2018 20:59

If he refuses to seek help yes. I’d hope it might spur him to do so though.

Falulah · 31/08/2018 21:04

i agree with DieAntword

You are tolerating this and therefore showing your children that this behaviour is ok.

WankbadgeringTurdblossom · 31/08/2018 21:04

As someone who has suffered from depression on and off (mainly on, unfortunately) since my teens, I can tell you with absolute confidence... you are very much justified in asking him to leave if he is not willing to urgently get help regarding how he speaks to/in front of the children. If he is not doing that, then I would not hesitate to chuck him out on his arse.

Singlenotsingle · 31/08/2018 21:10

He's being very selfish if he won't admit the problem and deal with it. YANBU to give him an ultimatum - sort it out or GO!

Aprilshowersinaugust · 31/08/2018 21:11

Been there.
Done that.
Got divorced.
Unless he seeks to get better he has no right to be damaging your dc and you with his abuse.

youaremyrain · 31/08/2018 21:31

“I cannot make you seek help for your depression but if you won’t I will be forced to take whatever steps are necessary to protect me and our children from your mood swings”.

^^ This

cestlavielife · 31/08/2018 21:39

You can t diagnose depression...gp or psychiatrist can. You are making excuses for him...
He goes to gp or he goes.

Talk to gp yourself tell gp what is going on and get referred to nhs counsellor.

If he is depressed or other mefical issue and gets help you still need support. It s hard living with someone who exhibits abusive behaviour.
And if he is swearing and shouting at kids you need to think about protecting those kids.....
If he refuses to get help then you need support to make him leave.
Get "why does he do that " lundy bancrift and read the chapters that fit.......some won't apply but some will.

fiercelikefrida · 31/08/2018 22:37

I've been in this situation. It got really bad and I had to leave very suddenly. I would start making an exit plan if I was you.

Loopytiles · 31/08/2018 22:39

Be prepared that he will very likely refuse to leave. You’ll need legal advice and RL help, Womens Aid.

Treasure114 · 01/09/2018 02:02

You can't help him unless he wants to get help. I have learnt this through bitter experience!! Also - if he's calling you names, that is abusive behaviour and totally unreasonable, depression or not.
Unfortunately some men will use their (sometimes undiagnosed) depression as an excuse to act in the most horrendous ways. Whilst remaining without a diagnosis. He sounds really manipulative from what you have written.

5LeafClover · 01/09/2018 03:07

Be prepared that he will very likely refuse to leave. You’ll need legal advice and RL help, Womens Aid.

^^This. Also

Depression is anger turned inwards. Having cycles of outward behaviour which include phases of being loving and affectionate, followed by cold, distant and using your wife and kids as an emotional punchbag is something else.

It is not ok to shout and swear at your kids so they are frightened and it's not ok to call you names.

💐

dreaming174 · 01/09/2018 03:08

This sounds like bipolar disorder from your description of depressive episodes that last for weeks. Depression is constant, but bipolar consists of periods of great depression, then it swings to a manic high (bipolar I) or a gentler high (bipolar II).

My husband has it also.

dreaming174 · 01/09/2018 03:10

I should add that when I researched it, I found many people who described their partners/ family members as very abusive, cold and distant during the low period.

It took a long time for my H to understand and process what was happening to him, and suspects it began for him at least 5 years ago, but only started seeking treatment a few months ago.

Storm2018 · 01/09/2018 03:16

Depression is no excuse for abuse.

Unless he is abusing his boss during these times he clearly can control it.

pointythings · 01/09/2018 10:24

You aren't responsible for his mental health. You can support him - but only if he is also doing everything he needs to do in order to help himself. That involves seeing his GP, getting referred, medication and/or counselling. If he won't do any of these things then you are absolutely allowed to make him leave. You have to protect your children from his depressive/abusive episodes.

NotTheFordType · 01/09/2018 10:32

He admits he has a problem but refuses to see his GP or go to counselling

This tells you very clearly that he doesn't care that he's frightening and hurting you and your DC.

What is your living situation? Do you both work, do you own or rent?

TeacupTattoo · 01/09/2018 14:51

It is his responsibility as an adult, father and husband, to deal with health issues with maturity. By refusing to see GP he shows he does not care about you and your children as he should. Tell him very clearly that you find this unacceptable and untenable. It is not fair and walking on eggshells can be very damaging on a child's psyche long-term. If he isn't putting your children first, you must. Good luck, I know it's not easy but you do need to deal with this.

Falulah · 01/09/2018 14:59

I would urge you to find some way....to get him to GP to at least report this. I could never prove my ex had bipolar or depression issues (he was also abusive ...I thought it was linked but..I don't think it's an excuse) because he would never go to GP. It was never recorded anywhere.
Even though he admitted it to me in person. So when he took me to court after I left him, he presented himself as this perfectly normal person and i had not evidence otherwise so he painted me as bitter against him. They ruled that my daughter spend nearly half her time in his sole care...she is 4. Nothing I can do. I have seen what he is and how he abuses an bullies and controls to get his own way and is nicey nicey but then very scary about it too.
But I cannot prove it. Now my daughter has to deal with it on her own.
If you can nicely nicely coax him to GP to talk about it...with you as well.. say otherwise we are going to have to split up and say I don't want that....keep him sweet until you get it recorded to a professional. From him saying it...to them... say you'll go with him but you have to find a solution and way forward for your marriage for sake of kids and that he can change his mind once we talk to Doctor he doesn't have to go on medication if he doesn't want to etc. But just that you will sadly have to leave if he can't come with you and talk to doctor about it as a first step.

Then you can decided what you want to do. But if I could do things again I would not have left until I got him to talk to G.P. For my daughter as the courts will always award him with custody / time alone....unless there's a serious risk and reason. You need to report the Verbal abuse - Women's Aid - and talk to G.P. Have it recorded in Black and white. Or you won't have a leg to stand on to limit the time the children spend alone with him if you walk.

CanIGetARefund · 01/09/2018 15:05

Many parents suffer depression without abusing their children. His shouting and name calling is damaging to their emotional well being and they need to be protected. His behaviour sounds like domestic abuse. Look on the Women's Aid website for advice on moving forward.

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