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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ever had the 'here's what you lost' moment with ex?

21 replies

shouldicouldiwouldi · 31/08/2018 17:50

Has anyone had that 'check me out now' moment with an ex? The point you look great after you split up, new hair, new nails, new job, new man.....really happy.....then bumped into your ex?
How did it feel? What happened next?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 31/08/2018 17:54

Why? Do you have an article to write?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 31/08/2018 17:55

Yes years ago. He told me he regretted losing me and asked for another chance. I declined and I married H. Bumped into him again last year and he started messaging me saying I was his biggest regret etc. Then propositioned me with a night in a hotel. I turned him down. We went NC and then he contacted me the day of his divorce to tell me he was divorced. I also found out gf had moved in. We are now NC again

YeTalkShiteHen · 31/08/2018 17:56

I’ve never had that moment per se (for a start I’ve never looked that put together )

BUT I did have a resounding moment of clarity, about 5 years after we split, after years of abuse continuing through court and control, threats all that shite, when I looked at him, and saw an insignificant little scumbag.

I smiled and he said “what’s so funny?”

My response was “I can’t believe I used to cower in fear of you. I can’t believe I ever thought you mattered. More fool me.”

After years of abuse, my God that felt good!

StormTreader · 31/08/2018 17:57

Has anyone said PISS OFF DAILY MAIL yet?

AwdBovril · 31/08/2018 18:00

I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering why you felt a need to namechange to post this, OP?

coolcahuna · 31/08/2018 18:02

Yes ! I had it today. I work with my ex and he told me I looked really good today and definitely looked wistful!

Original poster

shouldicouldiwouldi · 31/08/2018 18:15

I haven't name changed. Been a lurker for sure, but never been on here before.Long story. Ex and I split in January (he was a twat), then ghosted and I felt shit for months. However.....got a new job, have gone down 2 dress sizes and now (kinda) seeing someone new. New bloke has asked me to an event I know ex will be going to. Should I go? Wondering what his reaction will be- could go 2 ways....he could be jealous and see what he missed out on, or it could get awkward.
Any advice on how to play this?

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 31/08/2018 18:16

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/08/2018 18:27

If you care what he thinks you might not be ready to see him.

gamerchick · 31/08/2018 18:28

The best revenge on an ex is to happily get on with your life. You shouldn't even be thinking about it, it's not fair on your current bloke wondering how to play it.

Just go, have a good time and don't give it headspace.

Ohyesiam · 31/08/2018 18:33

you shouldn’t even be thinking about it, it’s not fair on your new bloke
Meanwhile in the real world.....

Yes look your best, just focus on your current partner and on enjoying yourself .

Original poster

shouldicouldiwouldi · 31/08/2018 18:35

That is a fair point. Am I over him? about 80% but ready enough to get on with my life. I lost the weight for me and feel good about myself. He didn't treat me that well when we were together so knowing he will be there makes me want to go and put 2 fingers up (not literally). New bloke lovely, but doesn't know about ex (knows I was with someone but not the full details). It is only our 3rd date so I could put myself in an awkward position.....or I could go, ignore ex, but let him see I have moved on (hence the 2 fingers).

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 31/08/2018 18:40

Not sure if you can classify him as a new man after three dates. Slow down 😁

OutPinked · 31/08/2018 18:46

No because I genuinely couldn’t care less what my exes think of me.

YeTalkShiteHen · 31/08/2018 18:47

I wouldn’t. Firstly because it’s not fair on the new man if you’re only there to get it up your ex or worse get a reaction from him.

Secondly, you’re not defined by a man. Or shouldn’t be anyway.

MistressDeeCee · 31/08/2018 18:49

I'm not into hanging onto or around exes, so when I bumped into ex when I was with my new man looking and feeling good (we'd just come back from holiday), I really didn't give a damn what ex may or may not have been thinking. Ex = no longer important. Quick hi, moved on, that was it

AwdBovril · 31/08/2018 19:12

If you still define/value yourself by how your ex sees you, you probably aren't over him. Are you being fair to your new partner?

gamerchick · 31/08/2018 19:27

you shouldn’t even be thinking about it, it’s not fair on your new bloke
Meanwhile in the real world.....

Last time I 'bumped' into my ex I didn't even see him and I was standing right next to him and his girlfriend. My husband pointed it out when we moved on. Last time I checked I was in the real world

If you're that bothered to the point of anticipating seeing them and looking great then you're not over someone and probably shouldn't be dating yet.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/08/2018 19:29

No because once they're an ex, they're gone.

Lifeisabeach09 · 01/09/2018 11:18

Go and have a great time with the guy you are dating. If ex is there and you are looking awesome, bonus.

Isitovernow · 01/09/2018 14:18

I've had that a few times...but in hindsight, they were all less than fabulous men! They were the kind of guys that I obviously felt judged by in some way, so that's why I had that feeling:

one when I was 18 and he had treated me badly when I was 15 and had commented on my small boobs. My boobs took a growth spurt and when he saw how large they were at 18, he oggled me like the sleaze that he was!
another cheated on me with my best friend (I know! A true catch ). I met him years later when I had lost a lot of weight and he had lost a lot of hair. He kept staring at me and saying 'you look amazing' and then asked if I was there with my boyfriend. I explained that I was .
another was with an ex who always refused to speak about our relationship and would wince if I ever managed anything physical. I bumped in to him a year ago, again I had lost weight (my weight fluctuates a lot!) and suddenly he was reminiscing about our relationship and even asked me playfully who initiated the first kiss!

Some men! 'Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.'

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