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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Please someone reassure me. DV related

20 replies

Panicmcpanicface · 31/08/2018 13:32

Name changed for this. But regular, naice ham, respodad, elderly Korean lady etc...

6 years ago I was nearly killed by an ex partner, I’ve found out today he is likely to be released on licence in the next six weeks.
I’m terrified.
Since then I’ve happily remarried but my DH works away and I’m alone in a house Ina quiet area for often weeks at a time.
He doesn’t know where I live but he knows my elderly parents address.
There is a restraining order in place and his licence conditions mirror this.
I’m fucking petrified he will hurt me or my DH or my parents.

I’ve had to go home from work as I had a full on panic attack and threw up. I can’t stop shaking, I can’t even sip a glass of water.

Please someone reassure me with statistics or anything that this will be ok, I cant do this again.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 31/08/2018 13:35

Oh panic I can imagine how scary this is

Do your local police know the situation? Can they help do you think?

Original poster

Panicmcpanicface · 31/08/2018 13:42

Thank you bit
Is there anything the local police could do.

Fuck I just want to go to ground forever this is awful.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 31/08/2018 13:44

I must admit I'm not sure. I know that they can put numbers on priority so if you call they'll come round immediately. If you give them a call I'm sure they will be able to help you.

I'm sure someone who knows more will be along soon to advise

MrsMozart · 31/08/2018 13:46

Call the non-emergency police number and ask what they can do.

Does your house have an alarm system? Do you have a personal alarm?

magimedi · 31/08/2018 13:54

I can't help you but I would suggest that you post this in the Relationships topic. Lots of good advice from very knowledgeable people given there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

Original poster

Panicmcpanicface · 31/08/2018 13:55

Thank you magi is there any way to get this moved?

OP posts:

HandbagCrazy · 31/08/2018 14:00

Yes, report your post and ask MN to move it for you. I've done it too so hopefully won't take them long.

I would definitely be expecting police to help out with safety check on your house, listed you as priority if you call them and a personal alarm

Baumederose · 31/08/2018 14:04

Get onto the police urgently. Have a them install an alarm and don't take no for an answer.

Advise the council re the electoral roll.

Check social media to see if you have any identifying posts or photos and delete them.

Original poster

Panicmcpanicface · 31/08/2018 14:06

Thank you Baum
What can the council do with the electoral role?

OP posts:

AnnieKenney · 31/08/2018 14:11

You can ask the local police domestic violence team to flag your address on their system (this means all calls from that address will be prioritised for an immediate response. Make sure they have your mobile number too as contrary to popular opinion, they can't trace the location of this quickly. They may also be able to ask your neighbourhood police to keep an extra eye out.

You could contact your local IDVA service (contact details will be on the domestic abuse page of your local authority website) for information on what else might be available locally (For example, you might be eligible for additional security measures if it will prevent you from becoming homeless but different areas have different rules).

You can contact his Offender Manager (Probation). They should have been in touch with you already if he was imprisoned for more than a year. If they haven't, your local Victim Support will be able to help you complain / locate who the person is. It is highly likely that his licence conditions include staying away from you. He risks being yanked back to prison if he makes any kind of contact so if he does, keep a record and report it immediately. It may also be possible that he is being released with an electronic tag which might offer you some reassurance.

I know this sounds random but are you by any chance in the West Mercia Police area? It's just that they have a brilliant new scheme...

Baumederose · 31/08/2018 14:17

Take you off the public inspection copy. He'd need the address so very slim risk but anything you can do to minimise being located.

You might need a court order for that so get the ball rolling asap

Be fucking pushy with all this stuff when dealing with the authorities. Be prepared to shout and threaten them with legal action if necessary. Not straight off obvs but if they are unwilling to be helpful. Escalate it up the management chain asap.

Domestic violence team at the police is probably first step. Get advice from them as they will be able to help you. Plus victim support. Everyone and anyone who can fight your corner. Doctors etc etc.

You will find they will be supportive and kind but they will have many cases similar and you want them to move this fast. So be pushy as hell and keep following up. Taking names and pin them down to when they will be getting back to you and the action they are taking. Then chase them if they don't and escalate it immediately. Be a pain in the arse

AnnieKenney · 31/08/2018 14:19

You can now register on the electoral roll anonymously if it helps to keep you safe from an abuser but there are various criteria you have to meet. This leaflet is aimed at professionals but contains the relevant information.

Baumederose · 31/08/2018 14:21

If you can afford it, have mortise and dead locks fitted to doors and windows. This is costly but they are very very hard to break and would buy you time in a worst case scenario.

Baumederose · 31/08/2018 14:24

Plus cctv. This is cheap and acts as a good deterrent.

And a dog, maybe.

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 31/08/2018 14:30

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now, as requested.

Panicmcpanicface, we're so sorry you're going through such a horrible time. We can see you're getting plenty of good advice here but please do take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence
Domestic Violence webguide]] - there are organisations listed which can offer you real life support too.

Sending good wishes

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 31/08/2018 14:37

Can you afford a smart alarm system with CCTV and police monitoring like this ADT One?

Also, get on to your local police Offender Management team as well as the DV team.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2018 14:41

Please get CCTV installed.
And an alarm system.
Call 101 or go to your local police station.
They can put your address and phone number on a priority call list so if you dial 999 they will be there fast.

We can all just hope that he learned something in prison and won't be back.
But do what you can to protect yourself.

lastqueenofscotland · 31/08/2018 15:26

If you are by yourself a lot can anyone come and stay with you?

Original poster

Panicmcpanicface · 01/09/2018 01:02

Thanks all for your advise
I’ve arranged for someone to fit a CCTV system and new security lights at my property.
My DH and my mum have been super calm and collected about it all which has helped

OP posts:

Greypaw · 01/09/2018 01:33

If you call the national domestic violence helpline, they can go through safety planning with you.

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