I fell in love with my best friend

[Lellowcar]

This is a mess, something I've never actually told anyone and i just need to let this out.This started years ago when I was 13, I was very shy, only had a small group of friends that i never fit into. Then this girl comes out of nowhere, she's energetic and a little overwhelming but something about her was intriguing, she seemed the complete oppposite to me and yet she wanted to be my friend. As time went on it turned out we had so much in common, she brought this new confident side of me out. We soon became best friends, barely spent a day apart, told eachother everything and anything. So i told her about a girl I'd "dated". I thought she'd laugh at me and tease me but the moment i told her she completely understood and admitted to feeling the same (being attracted to girls). We were confused teenagers and so the inevitable happened and we developed feelings for eachother. At first i thought i was the only one, that I'd have to keep this secret forever but she started acting differently around me when we were about 15. There were a few weeks where we were almost acting like a couple and yet we didn't speak about it. Until others started to notice and it couldn't be avoided any longer, so we spoke and agreed to remain friends. From then on it was like those few weeks never happened, we grew up, i married a man and recently had my first DC. We don't see each other everyday now but we're still just as close. I do love DH but she's still always in the back of my mind, it's ridiculous i can't get over something that happened when i was 15.

Can I ask why did you not explore your relationship when you left school? You had all those years...why is it NOW your feeling like this?

Do you think maybe its because you had a baby, your dreaming of the life you used to have as a teenager? Maybe thinking of how things could been different.

I just wonder if this is a recent thing or you have always felt like this?

It's not exactly a recent thing I've just left it for so long i can't really admit it to anyone around me

I can actually identify with your situation. I was extremely close to someone at school who was older. It started when I was 13, the first time I had even felt I truly loved someone other than family. We saw each other after school, went on holiday and talked a little about our feelings. No physical contact other than play fighting so it made it 'pure' love and beautiful. I know she loved me at the time. No one else knew. She was kind to me, a mentor, and showed me such affection it helped me in the years to come.

She went to university and started dating. I was upset I started to date too. I married, had children...eventually so did she. We met up by chance a couple of times but she seemed embarrassed as we both obviously remembered how close we were.

I have never ever forgotten her to this day [I'm in my 60's now], it was a deep feeling. I contacted her when we were much older. She didn't want to be reminded of the past, was trying to keep her marriage together and I had to leave it.

I think you will always feel for this person, love doesn't die. But we move on and it isn't appropriate to revisit relationships, we have moved on and have to move away again. It is painful but enjoy the fact you met and it was mutual...some things just can't be. But I know how you feel.

I think it's hard to fully move on because she's still a big part of my life but i wouldn't want to push her away either. But it's not worth bringing up to her or DH honestly

I can appreciate that if you are in contact and she is a big part of your life that it is so difficult to deal with. Time and space is needed to leave something in the past....or another passion/pastime which will consume your thoughts and fill your time. Good luck.