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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coercive control

25 replies

thelaststraw123 · 31/08/2018 02:58

In a hotel a few miles from my hometown. Been driven here and walked to my hotel room door by police.

Ex boyfriend now wanted for common assault and coercive control.

Why do I feel like I'm the one in the wrong?

Trying to get through to Domestic Violence Helpline to get refuge space. All I know is that I can't go back. When he finds out the police are after him about me he'll kill me.

What the hell has happened to my life? I'm 31 years old and messed my life up royally

OP posts:
starryeyed19 · 31/08/2018 03:04

This isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. Can the police not help with a refuge place? Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL?

pog100 · 31/08/2018 03:15

You've not messed up your life, you've just escaped the mistake. You have everything to look forward to at your age. I think you need some real life help but there is always great support here.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 31/08/2018 03:31

Police can only phone helpline, they can't actually give refuge spaces. Nobody irl I can talk to. Been isolated too long from friends and family.

I can't sleep, and my head is pounding

OP posts:
pog100 · 31/08/2018 03:33

Do you have kids, or on your own?
It's not exactly surprising you can't sleep, don't worry.

pog100 · 31/08/2018 03:36

And are you sure friends and family wouldn't like to help you. I bet some of them hate the bastard you were with and would love to help now. Reach out if you can.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 31/08/2018 03:36

I have children, however they are currently in the care of my mother due to the fact I stayed with an abusive turd 💩 which is why I have made a start tonight on fixing things and showing my kids that love shouldn't hurt and that I am good enough to be their mum

OP posts:
pog100 · 31/08/2018 03:39

Well done, OP. I know how hard it is but you are clearly determined this time. What about friends or brothers and sisters? It is just better if you don't feel isolated.
Just keep thinking how much better it's going to be without him.

Seniorschoolmum · 31/08/2018 03:43

Would your ex go to your mums house, looking for you. Have you let her know what is happening?
If your mum loves you so much that she has taken your kids in, I bet she is quietly cheering that you have left, and will be firmly on your side. Don’t underestimate your family’s desire to help you.
And it isn’t your fault. Coercive control is creeping & insidious and can happen to the best of us. Well done for getting out. Cake Brew

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2018 03:54

Believe me, your loved ones have been waiting and praying for you to call. Please call them. Yes, you may have to hear "I told you so" but it will be so worth it when you have them back in your life.

Please give them (and you) a chance to reconnect and support you.

Ihavethepower · 31/08/2018 03:56

There are quite a few threads at the mo by OPs feeling 'addicted' to abusers even though they're risking losing their children so you're not alone.

Make this the final straw Flowers

Aethelthryth · 31/08/2018 04:07

You have done nothing wrong. It sounds as though by leaving your are doing something very right and brave and are being strong for your children. Friends and family will understand. Today is the day when things start getting better.

I hope that you have managed to get to sleep

stormymcstormface · 31/08/2018 07:19

The addiction is traumatic bonding - it’s incredibly powerful what these relationships do to you

Well done OP. No one outside nows how hard it is to break that - the strength it takes to walk away.

I promise you though- it will be categorically worth it. Please do keep walking.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/08/2018 17:44

Feeling it’s ‘your fault’ Is the very essence of coercive control.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 01/09/2018 23:05

Just as an update to this...

I am now in a refuge.

Exp still has not been picked up by police yet.

But I am away and I am safe x

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 01/09/2018 23:08

A step closer to getting your dc back.
Stay strong.
Flowers

subspace · 01/09/2018 23:09

So glad you are in refuge.

Hope he is picked up soon.

Big hugs xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2018 23:15

So, so glad to hear this!!!

Have you tried to call your family yet?

ChimesAtMidnight · 01/09/2018 23:26

So glad you’re safe; and glad too that you have found your strength.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 02/09/2018 21:31

I have contacted family. Theyve been really supportive. They're happy that I've moved away from him.

Re: finding my strength, I didn't realise I had any left. But I do. He's text me tonight and I've IGNORED it!! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 02/09/2018 21:36

That’s great OP. Previous OPs in other threads have written down all the bad things their ‘D’Ps did, so if they had a wobble they could look at it and remind them self why they left. Maybe that would help you? And then also (with help of refuge and your family) make a firm plan about exactly how you get back to housing you are safe in and can get your kids back. Then you can follow your plan one step at a time and not feel lost. Best of luck Flowers

Thebluedog · 02/09/2018 21:38

Well done OP Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2018 22:55

I'm so glad about your family!

Another symptom of coercive control is that the abuser tries to isolate us from sources of support.

Original poster
thelaststraw123 · 02/09/2018 23:02

He isolated me from friends and family. Made me feel insignificant and really messed with my head. I still can't quite believe I'm out, and safe. It's a bit overwhelming however, I'm taking it one step at a time and taking time to heal. Meeting my support worker tomorrow to start sorting things. Actually looking forward to it ☺️ Feeling positive which is a new thing for me xx

OP posts:
1travellight · 02/09/2018 23:18

Well done OP.
Good luck next week on taking your first positive steps forward into your new life. Stay strong and stay safe. Flowers

ChimesAtMidnight · 02/09/2018 23:20

Your strength simply gets buried under all the crap he piles on you.
It takes a great deal of strength to bear that.
So pleased to read you are already looking forward.

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