Hello everyone! I apologise beforehand for the long post. I feel like I need someone to make sense of my situation and give some advice, please.
Okay, so I have a very dysfunctional family. I was born out of a one night stand, my two younger siblings each have different fathers and neither of them stayed around. My mother was on her own with the three of us by the time she was 21. She’d been emotionally abused by her mother, my GM, during her childhood. Never shown any love or affection, no warmth (she started her periods aged 8 years and was thrown a packet of sanitary towels). Through her childhood, my GM made regular comments about the colour of my mother’s red hair and how she wished she had sat on her at birth as she wanted a dark haired baby....you get the idea.
My GF had an affair with my GM’s best friend for many years and because of the lack of financial support for women at the time, my GM chose to stay with him. I wished she hadn’t because it made her a bitter woman who was resentful of men and especially of my mother, who was a Daddy’s girl. She favourited her son, my uncle. And so began a pattern of favouriting one child per generation. She herself was prevented from embarking on a career as a nanny as her parents wanted her to look after their youngest, GM’s sister, which sparked this resentment of sibling bonds and she’s said she only married my GF to get away from her family.
My mother went off the rails. She became promiscuous aged 13, with older men. As a child, I found her in bed with my friends’ fathers (one was a long term affair). I can’t even begin to explain how it felt listening to the girls at school talk about how wonderful their dads were and what they did as a family when I could visualise their dads naked in my mum’s bed 😞.
I also found her in bed with a woman which caused a lot of confusion and her final relationship was during the 1990s with a man who was diagnosed as a sociopath. She was warned of this by the police but she still took him in. We watched him beat her up, she was raped after she’d had a miscarriage, he would steal from her. She went on heroin and then methadone (and has been on methadone ever since) and was sent to prison for burglary. She would blame me for not dragging him off her during beatings. At this point, my siblings went to Foster Care and I went to live with my Grandparents.
My time at my GP’s was idyllic - I had all the love, attention, care, toys, food etc I could ever want and need. It was perfect, right up until my Grandad died of cancer when I was 12. I went off the rails and was sent to live with my mother in another town.
My first day in the new school, Year 8, I was cornered by older girls who laughed at me because they’d seen my mum and her boyfriend having sex in the local train station. My sisters were made to go stealing at the local shops with my mum to get food or things for the house and I was beaten most evenings just because she hated me. There wasn’t any hot water so I’d have to wash in the kitchen sink each morning and was called “24/7” by the local kids because I wore my school uniform every day, all day. There were never any clean clothes. Eventually, my mum’s boyfriend died of a heroin overdose and she sank into a deep depression. She self-medicated with alcohol and I went back to live with my GM. I know she loved me, but GM worked long hours and I spent most of my teens alone in my room or eating for comfort.
From the age of 7 years to 15, my weight matched my age (7 years old = 7 stone, and so on). Whilst my friends wore trendy clothes, I had to shop at Bon Marche as nothing else would fit me. My confidence was low and I never had boyfriends like my friends did. I had acne and loathed my appearance.
My first boyfriend was 31 years old and I was 15, he was in a relationship and was addicted to heroin but such was my low self - esteem and self worth that I thought I didn’t deserve better. Other girls my age went to college, dated, worked and found themselves as independent, young women but I spent the following 6 years in a toxic relationship with this man. I moved in with him and would often have police raiding the house, he’d go between me and his previous partner and other women. He’d turn up at my job and demand money for drugs or he’d refuse to leave. All I wanted was for him to stop the drugs and become a family. I’d watch families through the windows at night, watching telly with the little lamp on and wished for the same - a cosy home, tv, dinners, freshly bathed children in their pyjamas and just a happy home. I had my son at aged 20 years and delivered him with no one beside me, other than the midwife, because heroin was too important to his father.
When my son was 4 weeks old, we were housed on a notorious estate and each weekend there would be Anti social behaviour, fighting, break-ins, substance misuse. I struggled to cope with a baby who was awake all night, without any support, it had been a traumatic birth too. had no idea how to budget my finances and was so lonely. I knew something was wrong when I started to clean obsessively; in the early hours I’d be cleaning windows or the stairs, skirting boards, ornaments. I started to hear voices telling me to put my son in front of the traffic and one day I put the blanket over his head.
I snapped out of this fog and took him to the local GP surgery and I was sectioned.
Over the following 7 years, I threw myself into my job as a carer and my GM became the main carer for my son (he lived with me, but I worked long shifts and he spent most days in school or at GM’s). I hadn’t bonded with him and this was how I coped.
Then I met a man who I felt would make it all better, he wanted to be a family, adopt my son. He had old fashioned values, we would watch films, do crosswords, he’d care for my son as his own. We had a little girl and then the abuse began.
When our daughter was 5 days old, I went for a bath as my breasts were sore from my milk. He screamed on the landing that I was selfish because he’d just put a pizza in the oven. He raped me when I was suffering from thrush and if I didn’t have sex he would stop talking to me until I apologised. He’d call me psycho, a whore, a bad mum etc all on a daily basis. I wasn’t allowed to colour my hair, or see friends - even for a cup of tea at theirs. The final straw came when he threw me out of the car on a rural road, miles from home and sped off with our daughter. I confided in my H/V and was told unless I went to a refuge that evening with the children, they’d be removed from my care.
I packed suitcases and bin bags and left. Since then, we’ve moved between three refuges and safe houses. I fought for them in court for nearly a year, as my ex partner had photocopied my diary where I wrote about my postnatal depression. I had x3 mental health assessments to prove I wasn’t unstable. The children were removed from CP register and I enrolled at University. I completed a BSc and a MA. I now have a job in the DVA field.
People see me and think I’m strong but I’m broken inside. Through the whole time I was in refuge, I didn’t receive a single text or phone call from my mum or siblings. They’ve never rang to see how the children are, never visited us or asked how we were and I never was congratulated for graduating. I didn’t even attend either graduation days as I didn’t have anyone to go with. But to add insult, they’ve become very good friends with my ex partner and have taken sides with him.
My son’s behaviour deteriorated last year; stealing from me, arrested for shoplifting, punching walls and doors, bullying his sister. His school work was awful. No respect for house rules or boundaries and in March this year, he packed his bags and went to live at my GM’s.
Whilst we were in the refuge, 3 years ago. My key worker told me to cut contact with GM as she was controlling. I couldn’t see it, I thought the 5 calls per day was her being caring. She’d ring my son and if he wouldn’t speak to her she’d cry and tell him “you don’t love me”. He was 9.
When we moved to our own home, she’d always cry and say she was lonely and depressed. I’d have her to stay for the weekend but it was stressful trying to study, look after the children and GM. She was obsessed with my son; if I told him off for whatever reason she would intervene.
One weekend, I’d just had the lounge carpet put down and asked my son to take the bottle of Coke to the kitchen incase he’d spil it. He wouldn’t listen as GM was next to him and of course, a 2 litre bottle spilled over the carpet. GM rubbed his back and whispered to him whilst I scrubbed the carpet in tears.
She’d phone him even whilst he was at school, then again at 3pm and non stop until 4pm when she knew he’d arrive home. If he wouldn’t answer she’d ring my mobile then the house - if I asked what she wanted she’d ask how my son was. I can only describe it as an unhealthy obsession with him. She did not have this with my youngest child and has chosen one person from each generation I.e. me, she took me in but my siblings went to care. She’d buy toys and clothes for me by nothing for my siblings or cousins. The result of this is a very dysfunctional and bitter family.
I’ve seen her stop my nephew from going into her house and send him out (aged 2) and when my other nephew arrived, she’d make a fuss of him and tell him to go to the sweets cupboard. Just choosing one child each time? It’s bizarre. She has three children yet they’ve not spoken to each for over 30 years because of jealousy, she’s favoured her son and it’s made the other two resentful. A mother should prevent this, she should intervene and make sure her children were friends but my GM has never done so. My mum has MS and only lives up the road but GM won’t visit, saying “they never come and see me so why should I”? She turns it all around her and if I challenge her she either cries or gets very angry.
So, since March I have sent money to GM for my son each month, along with a food shop from Tesco so she wouldn’t have to carry shopping (she’s 80 and does not drive). I also buy his clothes or whatever he needs. He stared a new school near GM’s and I have never been kept informed of his progress. He had a lot of friends here before we left for the refuge so he’s settled in well, a popular boy.
Here is the problem, my son has began to cotton on to the fact that I am guilt ridden. I booked a trip to Harry Potter Studios for his birthday and a stay in London for x2 nights. I came home from this trip to a letter from GM asking for money as she wanted to buy his present. I gave her £100, then my son said the trip to HP wasn’t good enough and he needed trainers, clothes and a football. He wouldn’t visit me to pick these up so I had to pay for the parcel delivery. There was a 6 weeks period where I was out of Univeristy so not receiving funding and waiting for my DBS checks to clear, so not yet in work. I was living on CTC and CB during this time and It was incredibly stressful. I explained I couldn’t send money until I started working but the whole time I received nasty letters and calls from my GM demanding money. I looked at all the receipts for what I’ve sent or spent on him and I’ve paid more than I am legally obliged to but it’s not been enough. He doesn’t answer calls or texts unless he wants something.
I’ve set up a DD to my GM today, to pay towards his care, I’ve taken him for his school uniform and shoes. But it never seems enough - he always wants more and I don’t have it.
I sent a text to my cousin tonight and asked her to let my GM know that the money will be in the bank tomorrow. My cousin replied that I should be ashamed of myself as GM is raising my son.
I am ashamed of myself. Each day I weep with shame, I miss my son as a young child. But I’m ashamed to admit I don’t like the person he is now.
He came to stay here a week ago and because I asked him to turn his phone off to sleep, he started punching walls and shouting again. He refused to give it. My GM said he’s perfect with her and only misbehaves for me. My son has recently admitted he smokes, he’s been seen walking with my mum and smoking. He has just turned 14.
My previous partner was awarded EOW, this didn’t last - women and the drink came first. He is of no support / it’s just me and my daughter.
My grandmother raised me for 33 years yet as soon as my son went to live with her she stopped contact with me and my younger child. We live two counties away and have nonone. I struggle financially between rent, childcare, uniforms and my home is falling apart. I see friends settling down, marrying and building their dream homes and I pray the electric will still be on when I get in.
I only have my youngest child and job, without them I’d give up. Where do I go from here? It was my birthday last month and I didn’t receive a single card from them. I live in a beautiful place and am so grateful but I’m so lonely. I binge eat when my child is asleep at night. Will it get better? I’ve blocked my son’s number because he only spoke to me when he wanted money.
I wish I could go back and turn the clock.