Does grief ever get easier?

[Dina99]

A very close friend of mine was murdered a few years ago. It was horrific and there was absolutely no justice served. I have a hole in my heart and though it has been years, I struggle greatly. I have tried counselling, I've had CBT as I have developed OCD as a coping mechanism. I have tried medication. Just not talking about it. Talking about it all the time. Talking to her family. Spending time by her grave. Avoiding her grave. The list goes on.

I miss her. Most days I'm okay, and then I see an old news clipping or an article, or someone mentions it not knowing I knew her. It wasn't on national news before people start guessing, only local, but it was a huge shock to the community. I just don't know how to move on.

I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared to be on my own. I'm scared of life. I'm pregnant and don't know how to cope. I am scared to bring a child in to this world. I can't walk down the street without thinking some drunk nutter is going to pull out a knife and stab me.

I am a complete mess and don't know what to do. I've lost my friend. The closest relationship I had for 11 years.

Can anyone advise on how on earth I carry on from here?

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, it sounds like you need grief counselling. The cbt was to help with ocd, and that was a symptom of grief, you need to address the root of the problem. Really hope you have people to talk to in real life.

@Dina99 big hugs - I can’t imahine how horrific it must have been.

I lost my Brother in a horrific accident 8 years ago and justice wasn’t served. I was a mess for years and still am in some areas. Does grief get easier ? No! Do you learn to
Live wirh it - yes. Some
Days And memories will always be tough.
You do need to find a grief counseller. Hang in there and please find someone qualified to speak with IRL - it does get better.

Someone on here was in a similar situation to yours a while back. I’ll say to you what I said to her. It’s quite possible you have PTSD. That would explain a lot of your feelings and I would urge you to go back to your GP and really emphasise how you are feeling. Also contact victim support. You, as a close friend of the victim, are also a victim and they can offer a lot of support. It is unimaginable to most of us to go through what you are going through. There are people that can help and understand.

I don't know. It's just hard all the time.
I've experienced grief over the years, close friends and tragedy with a family member.
Recently a friend and work colleague had an absolutely horrific thing happen. I was with her. It ended in the tragic horrific death of her child.
I am utterly utterly traumatised and can't see any relief in this awful painful hole in me. I can't stop thinking about her, i can't stop thinking about the whole thing.
I hope it will get better, with time as previously grief has faded to be much less intense.
It feels never ending.

No, I don’t think it does. I lost my brother in sudden and tragic circumstances ten years ago, and the grief hasn’t lessened.

Someone once told me to imagine my grief as a tennis ball sitting in a tumbler. The tumbler represented my world. They explained that the tennis ball filled the glass and there was no room for anything else around it. As time went on, the tumbler got bigger, eventually becoming a vase. The tennis ball stayed the same size throughout, it never got smaller, but the glass got bigger making room for more things, things that bring happiness, around it. It’s cheesy, but probably the most accurate description I’ve heard.

I’m so very sorry for your loss and wish you strength x

@Dina99
I can relate to how you feel. My dd was murdered nearly 3 years ago. I was pregnant at the time. Justice wasn't served.
For me, no its not got easier. But for dd2 I've learned to live, although at the time I just wanted to be with dd1.
The bastard who took my dd's life lives on the same street as my sister. For months after I refused to go to her house in case I saw him.
Grief counselling helped me deal with things day to day, although I found it very upsetting and hard. It did help.
I've never been back to the street where she was found I just can't go there. I do get a lot of comfort visiting her grave which I do several times a week.

Crosser, have you spoken to anyone professional? I wouldn’t be surprised if you had some form of PTSD, what you’ve experienced sounds far too much to deal with alone

Thank you user - I do have people to talk to but it's hard. I cry and get ready and find it embarrassing so I guess I've finally turned to mn in the hope that I can find at least a little solace here!

bloop I'm so sorry. How awful. Hugs to you too. Thank you for your kind words and advice. Most of the time it is comforting to know there are other people going through what you are but in situations like this, it's just sad. I'm sorry so many people experience this.

Thank you storm - I have thought about PTSD. I have ZERO faith in any mental health service. I feel like I have been failed and they eventually just stick you on meds. I'm well and truly lost.

crosser my goodness. I'm so sorry. To lose a child must be truly awful. My friend was in her 20s and that was awful enough. I hope you can find some help or solace somewhere. I can't believe how many people experience horrific losses. I would be surprised if my colleagues even knew I felt like this. I only let my sadness take over when I'm on my own.

I hope you are ok x

bifs thank you. I'm so sorry about your brother. I have brothers. One is going travelling soon and I am so worried he's going to disappear or something awful is going to happen to him. As I said to pp, I hope you are okay x

park I'm so sorry I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child and I worry for mine even though they are not born yet. I can only send you love and best wishes and hope that you can move forward whilst remembering your daughter with fondness x

It breaks my heart to see people going through this with no justice. I think this is a big factor. Something happened to me a while back and I got no justice and I would say i’m Probably somewhat over the event itself but the lack of justice eats away at me day after day. It compounds a horrific event and you never get any real “closure`’ For want of a better word. I think it destroys your fundamental belief that if something bad happens then the person responsible will be held accountable. That is life shattering. It is not at all surprising that you feel the way you do in those circumstances. I would definitely say you need specialist counselling. Losing someone to say a terminal illness is devastating, but the grief counselling that would be appropriate for that scenario is not necessarily right for you. I would definitely recommend contacting victim support because they have experience in this. This group also seem like they Could be helpful to you
www.samm.org.uk/index.php

I'm very sorry for your loss
It does get easier in a way in that the rawness dissipates, and that takes a long time, but you learn to live with your grief. I can't allow myself to think too much which I'm sure isn't healthy but I lost my dad, my sister, my brother, my brother in law and father in law within a very short space of time, two of which were to suicide.
I haven't had therapy, can't face it, but I know for others it's helped. I think for me, because I was in my early 30's, I didn't want to forever be 'the one that remained and never recovered' I couldn't let my life be over when almost all my family had lost theirs, I had two very young children to live for, but this mindset, for want of a better word, took several years for me to get to.

@BifsWif I've recently lost a close friend and I'm going to pop that analogy about the tennis ball in a card and send it to his wife. It's really lovely and might give her some comfort. Lovely words, thank you

I hope it gives her some comfort, I’m sorry for the loss of your friend x