I wonder why dh with ptsd is so sad about Christmas

[ConfusedWife1234]

I know it is a while until Christmas but soon it is gonna be fall and that makes me a bit sad because dh with ptsd is not feeling well... still not feeling well and he hates Christmas and Christmas carols make him even sadder if he is feeling sad.

Why are there so many people with mental health problems who dislike Christmas?

So dh is not feeling well because of having ptsd and because of his job... and he needs to cry which is okay but showing how he is really not feeling well... because typically he does not cry... typically he only cries about things like Christmas music (I mean not always, only if he has been feeling very sad before). So I wonder what this will be like for him this year.

Should I have asked this question on the mental health board?

Christmas ideals are shoved down our throats. I bet most people who don't get to experience the Christmas that we are sold on the TV, feel a little sad. In your husbands case it clearly makes him feel bad. Can you go somewhere that's not traditionally christmasy?

Because Christmas stuff triggers his PTSD!

Sorry op but you sound totally unsupportive!

Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people with or without MH!

@Domino20 I think we will have a Christmas tree for the kids and we probably will be visiting relatives because they do expect it and we will attend church service because we always do and people do expect it... but apart from that we will not be doing much... but you still cannot escape Christmas, can you? I actually do like Christmas but I worry for his well being this year.

How on earth did you read it that the op was unsupportive?

She sounds concerned.

I wish I knew an answer. Has he had access to any talking therapies?

Bollocks to what people expect. If he's struggling then don't do it.

@Urbanbeetler He is doing CBT.
@userxxx On the one hand I think you are right about this but otoh he wants to do what people expect of him... and he loves his family... and they do have this Christmas decoration, drink punch, sing carols, all of those things.

Lots of people find christmas very difficult. Financial pressure, work stress (in some industries), emphasis on family (not nice if you don't have one or not a nice one), possibly reminders of trauma from childhood (unfortunately a lot of children have very awful Christmases due to alcohol, and a cocktail of the above stresses).

Does DH mind seeing relatives and going to Church? Perhaps not attending those things would help him? You can still enjoy Christmas without him celebrating it if it's difficult for him.

I think you sound concerned too OP. And avoiding Christmas isn’t a long term solution or particularly your children will of course expect it to be observed.

Is he getting any help?

I really do think dh is looking forward to see his family members at Christmas , he just does not like the atmosphere... he is a bit afraid of the church service. He fears crowds and having people sit behind his back but he feels it is his duty to go there. It has to do with his Christian values and he thinks people expect it from him.

@Smellyoulateralligator He is getting CBT and he is talking to other people with ptsd.

Perhaps you can support him to do what is best for him rather than what people 'expect'. I'm sure if he explained to his vicar/minister/priest how anxious the service makes him, they would give him permission to miss it.

@WinniehForsterTether I have to think about suggesting this to him. Actually he does avoid certain things that make him fearful... but he is fighting against this.
In case of the church service... often I go alone but in case of important holidays he always goes. I know it stresses him a lot because he is trembling and after we come home he often has to sit down and concentrate on his breath.
He is actually not triggered by the church, he has a good relationship witth the church, he is triggered by having people sit in his back, the crowds... he is ex mil and I am not sure if he will allow himself not to go because it is important to him and he does no want to be a coward.

Maybe go to a quieter service in a small church out of the way somewhere, and sit right at the back?

As to why his PTSD is worse at Christmas... does he know? Have you asked him?

I think he does not want to discuss this with me. There is some Christmas music that always makes him cry and he typically does not cry... but when he cries it is always about music... but I really do think it is not the music itself but he is feeling sad but typically sucks it up and does not cry about things much worse then this music.
There is one song that always makes him sad and fearful. When it starts playing within one second his mood changes from happy to sad. Of course I asked him why he was so sad but he only said it was nothing I needed to worry about.

OP I knew you that your were going to say your DH was forces based on your description of his triggers, I know because my DH has PTSD too, and I know how bloody heartbreaking it can be when they are struggling with it.

You are doing amazingly well OP, and it will get better, my DH had EDMR (I think!) therapy and it took him 8 months to make any progress (as in to finally stop moaning about going and actually see some sense in it!) and the months preceding his turn around were the darkest as everything his mind had suppressed and tucked away for dealing with later finally started coming back to him. He was in therapy for 18 months and he came through in a much better place mentally to cope when he is triggered.

But we are mindful that there are some activities that we just can’t do anymore (mostly involving crowds!) but DH is now 95% of the time having good days and his quality of life has improved massively.

If you think that DH is going to struggle with Xmas then I think you need to take time out from the usual activities, if missing church bothers DH you could find a quiet corner at home to do some prayer/reflection/etc. Could also be worth a phone call to your local pastor for a home visit.

And don’t be afraid to miss the family gatherings, you could have short visits at home with smaller groups if you want to see everyone?

And agree on a safe word so if DH feels like he needs to escape he can do so and you know why and where he has gone.

PTSD can devastate lives, and it’s soul destroying enough just watching your loved one suffer with it, you have all my sympathies

On a practical note please get in touch with Combat Stress they are a fantastic organisation.

Wishing you and your DH well x

Thank you very much for your reply. I am so happy to hear your dh is doing better. A safe word is a great idea but we already do have one .
Do you think they do that? Home visits. That would be something to think about but then he is afraid that everybody sees him as a basket case and feels sorry for him and that is one of his biggest fears. While he avoids a lot of things he hates avoiding things and it makes him feel like a coward... then he does self-talk like: coward, lousy coward.

Does your guy hate Christmas too. I noticed a lot of people with mental health issues do hate it.

BTW we are in Germany.

We (as in just DW/ 1DC and I) went away last Christmas. No other people to see, and no big set piece dinner.

Whilst we just fancied a change, we noted that the sky didn't fall in if you didn't do what was required from the John Lewis advert.

I think the suggestion for a home visit for church is a really good one, or if he actually wants to go to the church himself - rather than going to a service - he has a chat with the vicar and arranges a time to go without lots of people there. He can pay his respects in his own private way.

What are the issue around Christmas - did he have a bad family life growing up? Was Christmas stressful? Or is it related to his military service and friends who didn't make it?

The thing with PTSD is to see yourself as a wounded athlete rather than a damaged soul or a 'basket case' in his terms. Conquering the negative voices is part of the challenge.

Keep it low key.
There is something called Christougenniatikophobia - a phobia of Christmas. Rare, yes, but it's possible he has this unusual condition.

Eye movement reprogramming therapy (I've had it and cannot remember it's proper name) has had excellent results for PTSD treatment (mine was for being assaulted). 4 sessions got me to the stage I was well enough to go back to where it happened and continue my life.

Might be worth trying to find it in Germany. And I know what you mean about it being full on there - too gemütlich for its own good.

Talking therapies help you cope now, this actually managed to cure me.

@Shambu: Actually I have no idea why he hates Christmas so much... no, he did not tell me of any traumatic experience having to do with christmas and like it when he was a boy.
...but I noticed a lot of people with mental health disease (and not only those with ptsd) do dislike it.

Joined because I have experience of this in regards to ex army. Its very often if they have been a part of taking life in their service-you can see the face of the man you killed who cant go home for christmas. It could be a friend who was killed also though. In those circumstances, you see christmas for the false show it very often is.

The biggest help can be to hang around with other veterans out of service. Theres usually local places for this sort of thing.

Lots of great responses and suggestions here already. The key point is that somehow it taps into the triggers. Whilst the trigger may not be the same situation it will evoke the same feelings. So for me, my triggers are not feeling like I’m being considered or listened to and have no control. Whilst I have n vet been back in the situation that gave me these triggers, I have been in plenty of situations that mimics the feelings and the aspects of these triggers.

Once you understand the trigger so then you can take steps to anticipate them and manage the risks or recognise the cycle of responses they elicit so they are predictable and more easily managed if you can’t mitigate the risks.