I have sex problems because of the following events... please help

[DerekJeterHerpesTree]

I shy away from sex. My dh has been so kind and not at all putting pressure on me but i want a healthy sex life for both of us.

I don’t know where to start with sorting out my issues though. Here is what I suspect caused it:

• abusive bullying stepfather kept ripping my dress open and laughing at me around age 7.
• he often made comments about my boobs and bum
• he was immensely critical and left my self esteem in tatters
• Asked me to show him my new knickers by trying them on, came into my room wearing his new pants to show me.
• when I was around 19 (god I find this horrific to say out loud) he must have seen me masturbating, and he dropped hints that he saw me earlier but I ‘didnt Notice him’

-he and my mum would leave their clothes all over the sofa, underwear and all so it was obvious they’d been having sex there

• Pointed at me intimidatingly during all sex scenes on tv, staring at me with his finger in my face

-My teen bf asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I wasn’t ready so I consulted in my mum, her response was ‘I don’t think your stepfather will mind, he used to have sex at that age’ (?!). I was then woken up a few hours later by my stepdad punching my bed shouting at me that I was a dirty cow and I should be ashamed and am never allowed to see my bf again

• different boyfriend in later years cheated on me
• and gave me genital warts
• also I was left on my own to abort his baby, which was horrendous
• I woke up to find him on top of me having sex with me
• He would call me names about my appearance

My dh is loving and supportive, attentive and kind. I want him and I to have a healthy sex life.

I feel like I’m too disgusting to have sex, that sex is shameful. I think I must look horrible during sex. I feel ashamed. It takes a lot to get me over my anxieties and enjoy it.

What can I do?

Anyone?

It sounds like your stepdad was abusive, I’m not surprised it’s had a huge effect on you. Have you thought about counselling?

that is absolutely horrendous, Have you considered counselling?

Oh I’m so sorry to hear if this.
Firstly well done for writing it down and doing this post!
I’m sure you’ll find lots of support here.
I’ve found CBT provided by local NHS hugely helpful. Many local authorities now have a system you can self refer.
To have found a lovely DH you are already doing so much better than your mum and the example you were given as a child, so congratulate yourself of that!

Therapy. Only answer. That is a pile of stuff that needs to be handled by a professional un a safe and supportive environment.

You dh sounds wonderful and I think he will need help supporting you too.

Can't give any other signposts than that.
What a horrible set of events and o hope neither he nor your mother are anywhere near you and that you find peace and happiness with your DH as you deserve it the same as anyone else

Would it have to be sex therapy? Or just normal therapy? I don’t think I could sit and talk to someone about the sex issue specifically but I can talk about it generally.

Oh my word OP I'm so sorry you have been through all of that. I would definitely look into some therapy. Counselling, CBT for self esteem, hypnosis- all could help in different ways. It is possible for you to get to a better place and it sounds like your husband is very supportive and loving. for you it all sounds awful.

I think sex is the tip of the iceberg. What happened was abusive and not normal and in no way did you invite this behaviour. Please take time and when your ready look into counselling to help you heal from these traumas. Focusing just on sex with your partner won't help, it's like sticking a plaster on a broken leg

No I’m NC with my entire shitty family thank god

Is there a sexual abuse centre you could seek help from. The points you raise have I presume wore you down with time. You are well on the way to resolving theses issues by confronting them and discussing them on an open forum. They don’t seem that big to me and by that I mean you will climb over them one by one. You are never alone.

Thank you, would we really call these events sexual abuse? Genuine question, it’s only in recent years I’ve realised and accepted that I went through any kind of abuse (also had violence)

Op, you suffered horrible abuse and humiliation. You might not think it, but it’s sexual abuse, you’ve had your sexuality abused🌺.
Any sort of therapy would help you to heal these awful wounds. You need to be heard.

There is also a great book called The Courage to Heal which really helped me.
I’m really glad you have picked a loving and supportive husband, that’s an amazing streak of self preservation you have in you.

It is sex that has caused all of these issues. But in reality it was in trusting people that betrayed you. You were betrayed and abused by persons no longer in your life. Their influence has to be exorcised. As things stand they are still around in your current trusting relationship.

You do need professional help because memories can be tricky things to deal with with the passage of time.

Hello OP

I'm so sorry you were sexually abused (that's what it was) during your childhood and that your mum quietly condoned this.

I'm also sorry to hear about your rape by a previous boyfriend.

I have a similar background and I know well the feelings of shame, pain, fear and humiliation you describe in regards to sex.

Good news: it's perfectly possible to work through this and break through to a freedom where you have a healthy enjoyment of sex which gives both you and your partner pleasure.

What you need is an experienced therapist who can work with you to talk about your past experiences, how they made you feel at the time, and how you want to feel about them now (bloody well furious being top of the list for me.) They will help you work through your feelings, become confident in setting boundaries, and allow you to speak about what you want from sex. (I know all too well the terrible fear of saying something like "Can you please suck my nipples" - the image of your partner leering in disgust and saying "Oh so you ARE a slag, I bet you really liked all that stuff he talked about didn't you". It's soul withering, it crushes your self confidence, and it's total bullshit. )

I would start with the BACP find a therapist page - you can try NHS but you'll likely only get 6-12 sessions of CBT which is nowhere near adequate for dealing with PTSD . Not trying to armchair diagnose but the vast majority of childhood abuse cases result in PTSD. Don't worry, it's not scary and doesn't mean you're mad. It just explains why you keep remembering things over and over again when you don't want to. A good therapist can explain this and explore coping methods with you.

Good luck OP, your life is out there waiting for you, and you deserve it.

I was raped. Omg. That’s made me cry.

I remember he just treated me as this compartmentalised sex object all the time and I was fast asleep that night. I thought I was dreaming that he was having sex with me. To my shock I woke up and he was actually having sex with me, on top of me. I didn’t push him off (didn’t have the confidence or self esteem to be honest) but it’s always stayed in my mind that it wasn’t right.

It wasn't right. You knew it then and you know it now. I hope speaking out here has validated your feelings of pain and injury. You have a right to feel abused and betrayed, and you have a right to seek healing for those feelings.

Hi op. I don’t want to hihack your thread but wanted you to know you’re not the only one! I’ve thought about starting a thread for ages but haven’t plucked up the courage!

First of all, I agree with PPs that your SD was abusive and it’s no surprise that it has left you with issues on this subject. In my case, it was the message I got from my family that sex was taboo. It was never discussed and I remember being made to feel shame for bringing up the subject. One time, my older brother found a picture I’d drawn of me having sex with a crush (I was 11 I think) and he screwed it up, called me disgusting and threw it at me. As a teenager, I discovered power through sex and got a ‘name’ for myself. I ended up on the child protection register and took some very risky behaviour. In hindsight, I was also sexually abused by older men but I didn’t see it as that at the time. I just had a very fucked up idea of what sex was etc.

I’ve carried this attitude with me into adulthood. I have quite a high sex drive but feel disgusted with myself for having sexual feelings and if I ever masterbate the guilt is unbearable so I don’t bother usually.

I’m in a relationship and whilst we do have regular sex, I won’t initiate it or discuss it. My BF probably has no idea how much I suffer afterwards. I’ve tried hinting at the issue but he just doesn’t get it as he has a much more healthy attitude to sex.

I know I should probably seek professional help but I wouldn’t know where to get that and the thought of having to discuss out loud this makes me feel ill. I try really hard to be relaxed and open about sex if my dc ask questions but inside I’m in bits.

I will be reading the responses with interest. I don’t want to post this but I’m going to anyway...

Omg this was rape! Sexual abuse! I'm so sorry :(
Im now in a many decades long 2nd relationship with a lovely lovely man after escaping from a hugely abusive childhood then a first marriage far too young to another abusive bastard.
Ive struggled for 50 years plus years with what was done to me, getting more and more distressed as a result. It has had a huge impact on my life since it happened but I kept on burying it. It's nearly wrecked my second marriage but he stuck with me and has been loving and supported me to seek help.
I finally got to the point where I was posdibly suicidal, certainly desperate and I used the (UK) online IAPT form to self refer, then had a phone conversation (less awful than face to face ) and was diagnosed with severe depression and C PTSD due to the childhood sexual assaults and rapes and coercive abusive first marriage I had. I've had months of weekly councelling with Rape Crisis and it's been wonderful (in a weird way) to finally tell someone for the first time in 40 plus years the horrific stuff I was subjected to. It helps. It really really does help. Please reach out, call WA and enroll on the Freedom Programme to understand how much they skewed your boundaries, and that it was NEVER your fault. Please get help from specialist Rape and Sexual Harm councelling. They will not judge, they will help and listen and support you . But you have to reach out. xxx

Call NAPAC and have a chat to them