Coping with a partner who is deployed

[misszp]

I havent posted in a while but just looking for some kind words!

I’m the only one of my friends with a partner in the forces and so it’s really hard to relate to a ‘normal’ relationship now I’ve been in this one so long! I just need some advice from those who have, or are, going through the same!

He’s actually based several hours away but we see each other most weekends and so time apart is no issue. We both are happy with the set up of our relationship and plan on making further decisions about where we are based long term but not just yet!

He has however, just deployed for the first time in our relationship and by the time he gets back it’ll be 6 months absence in total. We both want to make it work, we know it’ll be a normal part of our relationship as this won’t be the last time, but the few minutes of contact a week we are limited to is SO hard to adjust to (we will have more at times, we just dont know when).

Im a fairly career driven and social person so I’m keeping busy, investing in my usual friendships, hobbies etc so I’m not sat around moping. However, I was ok for a few weeks, but having had some personal situations unfold and having experienced events I know he’d love to have been part of, it’s really hard! I’m suddenly lonely and I’m missing him like mad... I’ve hit a wall and I’m struggling to distract myself from the empty feeling I have right now. It’s like I’m almost going through heartbreak even though I’m not, if that makes sense?

I know the first bit will always be the hardest and the mid way point will be a relief, but for those who have had / have partners in the forces who spend time away, how do you cope? How do you get through the tough bits? I’ve thought about being old school and sending some letters to stay connected too, maybe the odd gift box of his fave things etc, as well as keeping him up to date with pictures and messages for when he does have access to a phone. I can’t bloody wait to have him home!

Any advice would be welcomed!

My son is currently on deployment and is halfway through. His wife has filled her time by going out with friends, working more hours and spending time with us and her family. She has written letters, sent photos and also little ‘care packages’ of his favourite things.

She’s coping very well and he absolutely loves being kept up to date with his letters/photos etc.

It’s almost kept the romance alive even though they are thousands of miles apart.

Are you in contact with any of the wives from the base? I know through the welfare office, you should be able to find any get togethers with the other wives, and that helps, coffee mornings etc. Keep doing what you are doing, the first one is always the hardest. Its hard on him too, so letters etc are just what he needs! x

Wheels I don’t live near the base or know any of his forces friends so it’s not really easy to keep in contact with them. He travels home most weekends (his family are located are here too). So until I relocate there or he takes a promotion nearer to home I won’t have much, if any contact with the base families :( his actual family and my friends are amazing though! I guess it’s just knowing how other people going through the same does help!

Foookinghell, thanks for the advice, it’s reassured me and I’ll definitely be doing the care boxes! I just don’t know what to send at the moment aside from letters and photos and perhaps some of his fave treats!

I've never been with anyone in the forces, so it's perhaps slightly different, but my dh and I (when we were dating) had to live apart in different countries for two years due to career/education commitments we each made before we met. We were together in the same place for about the first 6 months when we were dating, but then apart for the next 2 years until we were able to move to the same country (and get married).

I would recommend making 'date nights' as much as you can while apart. This may be slightly more difficult with a partner in the forces, but we used to schedule in time to be at home and chat online each Friday (it would be about 5pm for me, I'd drink wine and cook dinner and chat with him, and about 2am ish for him, he'd stay up late). We also used to write each other actual letters and cards and send little parcels to each other with special treats or little things that made us think of the other one. It was perhaps very old fashioned, but lovely. We've been together 10 years now, married for 7, and those letters and cards are lovely memories of the early years of our relationship.

For us, actually, I think it really strengthened the bond we had and the certainty we felt that we wanted to be together, so I would try not to see it as a negative. We didn't get to do what lots of couples did in terms of actual dates, weekends away, just hanging out together because we were so far apart. It meant we actually spent a lot of time talking, talking about our values and priorities, how we saw the life we wanted to create together, plans for a family, retirement, finances, etc. It meant that when we could finally be together in the same place (we did visit each other a few times a year during that time though, but I mean when we actually moved and lived together), our relationship was really solid and we were both very sure of the future we'd planned. So it was very much a positive for us in the long run, even though it sucked to miss each other at the time. Hang in there. If it's meant to be, it will work and you'll make the best of it.

Hi OP there is a ‘forces sweethearts’ board which you may find helpful, lots of good advice over there.

I always found reading all the various booklets you get from the army about what to expect on deployment etc really helped me.

Get stocked up on blueys and just jot down little notes on them as and when you think of them- my DH used to get many a bluey which was just filled with my random thoughts! You can do Pictionary type drawings/make up crosswords etc as well.

Sharing sweets and treats are good too (haribo always goes down well!) and magazines (I used to send Viz!) also travel sized board games/playing cards/top trumps.

I know it’s a cliche but try to keep busy, if you can join an evening class, make lots of plans with friends etc.

I would also echo the pps suggestion of getting in touch with some of the other wives from the unit he is posted with - even if you are only Facebook friends it can really help.

Misszp, I’m
Glad I’ve given you some reassurance, my daughter in law found the first week the hardest but we all rallied round and made sure she was ok.

My son has said the things he finds the best are the post it notes she sticks to whatever she sends, just little, ‘love you’s’, smiley faces etc

Thanks all! I’ll take a look at the forces forum and will try and find out a few Facebook contacts! :) I’m always busy anyway with hobbies and work so my time was always naturally filled before he left.... it’s just having an understanding shoulder to lean on.

I think I’m particularly struggling now I’m well into this deployment because he is actually seeing the world as part of it - it isn’t fully ‘work’ and the stops he has are all dream destinations! It’s an amazing opportunity for him and I would never ever not have wanted him to take it, but I also feel slightly left behind if that makes sense? I don’t feel jealous for what it’s worth, I’m very proud he was selected! I

I spent 15 married to an army guy. I completely get what your going through. You do go through periods where you feel absolutely desolate. Living on married quarters isn't easy but the wives do club together to help those that have partners deployed. So you can always call the welfare system they can offer you support. Has he given you the card??

It does get easier..... tbh it gets too easy. Yes you miss them incredibly and it's amazing when they get back. But it's also hard. They've changed and you be changed.. I used to love him coming home on R&R but all we used to do was argue. And the same when he returned! But then it settles down again and you get back to being the same couple. But the dynamics definately change through a detachment.

You have to look after yourself and concentrate on getting out. Get a hobby. Do something. If you stay in and pining you'll drive yourself mad.
But you can't change it or do anything about it. It does get easier after the initial slump i can tell you that.

Keep yourself busy that's the best advice I can give.