Ending my marriage and losing the prospect of a new relationship

[Poochesandpizza]

I’m going to start by saying I don’t expect any sympathy because I categorically know that my behaviour has been wrong. I’m trying to work out how to make good my mistakes and work forward.

I’ve been married for 6 years, with them for 9 years. Recently an incident brought to the surface some doubts that I’d been having for around two years but had been pushing them down because it was too painful. I love my husband but I’m not in love with him and he feels more like a friend to me. We don’t have any children yet but I feel like that is the likely next step. I’ve been very honest with my partner about how I’ve been feeling and we’ve been trying to work on things. Our different jobs schedules don’t help, and he has a habit of seeing the boys when we do have time off together so this hasn’t been to much avail. I know that I’m unhappy and I no longer see a future with them.
Around 3 months ago, I began an emotional affair with a colleague and I am now in love with him. I knew when I started it that I would leave my husband regardless, and he reminded me what it felt like to be happy and in love again. It made me realise what I could have.
I’m trying to work up the courage to end my marriage because he truly is a wonderful person and doesn’t deserve the hurt that this will cause. Last night, I asked the person I’m having an affair with if they were intended to leave their partner as well and said that although I wasn’t leaving my husband for him, I loved him and he’d made me realise what I could have. He had told me earlier on that he would leave his partner and said that he loved me, wanted a future with me etc. He also said that he can’t see himself marrying her. When I asked him last night, he’s now turned around and said that he will eventually leave her but can’t set a timeline and doesn’t think I should wait for him.
This has left me feeling totally bereft and devastated. I feel like I’m losing my marriage and the idea of “what if” all in one go. I’ve now got to go through the painful process of ending my marriage and getting over this other person and I just don’t know how to even begin. I’ve spent the day supposedly working from home and instead have been sat on my sofa crying and wondering how my life has imploded. Does anyone have any idea how I can get through this?
I should add, I don’t want to tell my husband about the affair. If I thought we could recover and that we could get back to what we had, I would. But it seems that I’d be doing only to assuage my guilt and devasting him in one go.

Your life hasn't imploded. You are leaving for the othe4 man. You can try and convince yourself all you want that you aren't. But you are. Because how you are wondering if you and dh could get back what you had. If the other man had said he was leaving his partner, you wouldn't be considering if you and your husband can make it work.

Unfortunately this is what happens when other people become involved in ltr and marriages. Often the their pe4son doesn't want commitment or isn't willing to l3ave to.

That's the risk. It didn't pay off. You need to pick yourself up and move on. If you do stay with dh, I think he has a right to know you wouldn't be staying if OM wanted you.

You will get through it by focussing on the practical issues.

See a solicitor to find out your rights, make a plan and tell your husband that you are leaving and want a divorce,

Tell your affair partner that you are ending it with him.

Go for counselling .

Tell your friends and family that your Marriage is over and ask for their support .

I've been where you are, OP, though nobody involved was married at the time. It's a horrible, devastating feeling but it's one you'd have to go through at some point anyway, whether or not the new relationship had legs, because you need to grieve for a relationship when it does. Finding someone else is a really good way to defer and ignore that fact, but it doesn't stop the grief making its way out at some point.

End both relationships and move on, a lesson learned.

You need to grieve for a relationship when it dies!

have been sat on my sofa crying and wondering how my life has imploded
It's happened because of the choices you made.

Tell your DH the truth of the situation.
You owe him at least that much after what you have done!

I don’t know if I was clear, i know that my DH and I can’t go back to what we had. I think I knew it was over in my head and was too scared, and this is how the OM has come into it. I know that when we were happy, I never even entertained flirtations. I know that if our relationship was right, I wouldn’t have been able to fall in love with someone else. I will be ending my marriage regardless of OM, but I’m just struggling to manage the prospect of that and the loss of the fantasy id constructed about my potential new life as well.

I’ve been going for counselling prior to this all coming to head, and trying to work out a way to end my current relationship. It’s definitely helped, thank you

You need to be honest with yourself . You didnt “fall in love “ with OM. you started an emotional affair and then decided to continue with it, every single day. You decided this the hundreds or thousands of times you phoned him, texted him, contacted him , saw him or planned your next encounter.

If your marriage wasn’t right then you should have worked on it or ended it. Don’t blame your husband for your poor choices.