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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you stay with someone with premature ejaculation? New relationship

22 replies

Redfox · 30/08/2018 12:20

I am posting this here as I have already put this in the sex topic with not much response. I met a lovely man online and been together for around 7 months however he has serious premature ejaculation. I suppose I am asking for viewpoints about carrying on with this relationship really as opposed to looking for methods to try and help with his premature ejaculation. We have tried lot of things including him going on the SSRI Fluxetine.

We get on well and have similar values and I enjoy being with him and he has talked about us having a future. I know there are many ways to have sex and we have explored them all and he is considerate in that respect. He is willing to try things to improve however I suspect he has had this problem all of his life. He is 53.

Do I accept this is as my relationship or break away now? I am 50 so not a spring chicken and am aware that I could be turning down a chance of a relationship with real potential and would struggle to meet anyone else and online dating was tedious enough. It could be said that it is a compromise and in a few years time I may not be bothered about sex anyway! But on the other hand I feel I am too young to settle for this and may become resentful. Any thoughts welcome…

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/08/2018 12:40

You say you’ve tried other non-PIV ways of having sex: do they satisfy you? Would you be happy for your sex life to be as it is now, for the long term?

If not then I think that’s your answer, really. This seems very unlikely to change. You “suspect” he’s always been like this, which suggests he’s reluctant to talk about it (else you’d know if this was a only a new thing) and that’s another problem in itself.

I wouldn’t stay, personally, not in a short relationship. Sex is too important to me to compromise on and the argument of “sex might not matter in a few years and this could be the love of my life” also works the other way - you could end up staying together for a couple of unfulfilling and frustrating wasted years and then break up anyway.

Storm4star · 30/08/2018 12:50

I know exactly what you mean about it being difficult to meet someone and the awfulness of online dating! However, I was once with someone who struggled with sex and I think I myself underestimated just how much it would destroy me over time. So, personally, I wouldn't stay with him. It is a shame if he's great in other ways but sex is a huge part of a relationship and 50 isn't young in those terms. If it were me, I would probably try every avenue possible to solve it first but, if it still wasn't working, I'd have to end it.

mogratpineapple · 30/08/2018 12:50

Yes, I would continue the relationship if that was the only issue. Reminds me of new and youthful times! I would continue to discover avenues, personally.

onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 12:54

No, unfortunately. How quick are we talking? They do numbing cream etc

Original poster

Redfox · 30/08/2018 14:03

We are talking v quick!

He claims while it happened occasionally in the past it was not like it is now. He was married and says in the years leading up to him & his ex wife separating, they were having sex very infrequently. He just does not seem to know when he is on the brink and says ejaculation just happens. We do discuss it but he feels a bit helpless.

I agree with the posters about feeling unfulfilled eventually and we may split anyway. But at the moment I have grown attached to him. I need a time frame in my head to make a decision about things, along with a serious chat about how this is affecting me- think he knows this anyway. And try again!

OP posts:

Annabelle4 · 30/08/2018 14:06

Why doesn't he go to the GP?

It's a common issue

letsdolunch321 · 30/08/2018 14:09

I woukd suggest seeing his GP to see if there is any help for him

pickles184 · 30/08/2018 14:14

I think whether or not I would decide to stay would be based on a number of other factors personally. Does he make every effort to satisfy you in other ways when this happens and has he expressed a desire to do everything he can to investigate ways to improve things or is he shrugging his shoulders and minimising?

Original poster

Redfox · 30/08/2018 14:24

Yep he has been to his see his GP and was prescribed an SSRA Fluxetine - an side effect is delayed ejaculation. It has not worked for us

We have tried lot of things too. He genuinely appears to what to improve things & gives every effort to satisfy me

OP posts:

subspace · 30/08/2018 14:35

Send him back to gp and get him to ask to see a specialist.

Would non-PIV sex work for you? There are dildos and vibrators and tongues and hands and all kinds of stuff to play with and explore. As long as you keep the communication open and about exploring what works for you both, I don't see any tall why this would be an insurmountable problem.

When people go vegan, they find lots of tasty ways to cook and they get really creative with ingredients they were using before but in new and much more exciting ways. Perhaps the same is true of sex for you, if PIV isn't going to work then all of a sudden you may have accidentally opened up a whole load of options you previously had, but never thought about using. That make sense?

subspace · 30/08/2018 14:44

Off the top of my head:

Tingly/heating/numbing lubes - try them all!

Massages. Different types of massages. Even more different types.

Role play. Dressing up.

Mild bondage. Handcuffs, blindfold, whips, paddles...

Dildos, strap-ons, vibrators. Try them all, you'll never run out of new ones to try!

Oral. Hands. Knees, elbows, feet, moustache, nails, hair, try them all in every way you can possibly think. Worst case scenario you die laughing!

Look up what others in your situation do. Look up what lesbians and trans people do. There must be books and websites, hundreds of them.

Subscribe to OMGyes and work through the exercises together like homework!

Household objects. Paintbrush and water. Food. Showers, baths, a room with a view, the world is your oyster!

Always lots of communication, "yes, that feels good! No-ooo, don't think that's going to work for me..."

I'm quite jealous, really.

MistressDeeCee · 30/08/2018 14:55

He's acknowledged his problem, seen his GP, and satisfies you sexually in other ways. Sohes a trier worth keeping.You've a chance to explore other ways that may help. You're neither of you spring chickens you know what's what, so why not have fun doing different stuff?

If you really don't want him due to lack of penetrative sex tho, then let him go now. Just hope the next man you meet is good at sex AND wants a future with you.

littlepotatoes · 30/08/2018 15:11

As an aside, paroxetine is better than fluoxetine for this. He could ask the GP to switch it.

Dadaist · 30/08/2018 16:48

OMG - there is loads of help and support online for this problem and I’m amazed that so many posters here seem to think it’s either ‘medical’ or just the way someone is.
If it helps OP - I’ll post some links - but didn’t eat to read and run. if your partner is going to take this issue seriously and work at it (and best if you help too) then it’s about six weeks of various exercises. With good outcomes for most men. You could always try searching yourself too?

Original poster

Redfox · 30/08/2018 18:22

Any further links and info would be helpful, thank you. I have researched too and I suppose we could be more disciplined with the exercises you mention.

Good to get different direct perspectives from posters thanks. And that is why I started the thread.

OP posts:

twilightsaga · 30/08/2018 18:46

How premature is it?

mimibunz · 30/08/2018 18:57

Are you in love with him? I have hit menopause with practically no libido and if my husband thought about dumping me I would be devastated and disgusted. There are so many more important things.

ItIsOkItIsASecret · 30/08/2018 19:05

mimibunz

I think it would be reasonable to feel like that at the next life stage in a LTR/marriage but you must be able to see it's different in a new relationship?

Storm4star · 30/08/2018 22:00

Mimibunz I agree with the pp that says it’s different in a new relationship but honestly, even in an LTR if you are saying that’s it, sex is off the table forever it is really right to expect your partner to go along with that? It’s easy to say sex isn’t that important when you have no libido. I would beg to differ. Fine if it’s potentially something that could improve again in time but if my partner said that was it, no more sex ever, it wouldn’t matter what else was good in our relationship. It would be a deal breaker for me. I see what other posters are saying about alternatives, toys etc. But I want to make love to a partner. If that can’t happen then I can’t be happy in the relationship.

dirtybadger · 30/08/2018 22:06

Depends how satisfied you are with how things are sexually without PIV.

Personally I could go without PIV for the rest of my life. And I like it, but there are enough other options. If you really need PIV then that's fine and a good reason to reconsider the relationship.

How long ago did he see the GP? How long has he been trying other things for? If he's been trying everything he can for the last decade then it's obviously more of a long shot than if it's only been a year or so. Not that it necessarily indicates it will get better.

Grated · 30/08/2018 22:14

Tell him not to clench his arse cheeks during sex......seriously....life changing

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/08/2018 23:53

Is sex all over when he orgasms?
If so then why?
Just because he is done, doesn't mean you are.
Use toys to begin with, when he is done, he can go back to using toys etc.
Have a veeeeery long slow build up with foreplay so he enjoys himself too.
Sex doesn't end when he does. That's very last century. Good luck!

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