Family problems - visiting

[BWrose]

I have a brother who emigrated some years, from my home country to Australia. 1000s of miles between us.

While there, he met a lady and eventually had a baby together. Myself, my mother and a brother at home, saved hard to visit them. That was about three years ago.

Last year, my brother abroad started to put a plan in place to move home for a year, takit his partner and child with him. His plan worked out and he and his family are now in our home country. However, he is working and livt in a different county to me and our mother and brother at home. It's about 3 and 1/2 hour journey in a car. It's longer with a bus journey.

There's a bit of an issue coming about now in the family. When my brother and his family are came home, 7 weeks ago, my brother at home met them at the airport. Unfortunately I was working at the time. I would have loved to have met them at the airport but that couldn't happen. My mother would have loved it too but that didn't happen either. She doesn't work but meeting them at the airport wasn't going to to work out. It's just my brother at home drove to the airport but then after that, he had other ot and he wast going to come home for a few days.

I was dying to meet my brother and partner and child. Unfortunately life got in the way for many weeks. I had a holiday planned which was booked before Christmas of last year, before my brothers plans of coming home were finalised. Not only that, I was only home when I had a wedding to attend to. The past number of weeks were hectic to say the least. Finally, I got a free weekend and made it to visit them. It turned out my boyfriend also had the weekend free and he came with me and drove us down. My mother was more than welcome to come with us. That offer was made many times. She didn't go with us. It was disappointing but it is what it is. Unfortunately, my brother was also disappointed. What was I supposed to do - force my mother. I actually think my mother suffers from some sort of social retardedness. There's been other cases aside from this, where my mother just write simply makes excuses to avoid going out.

My mother still hasn't visited my brother and his partner and grandchd. They are home now about 7 weeks.

My brother who came home finds it disappointing. It is my brother at home who has caused some trouble here in this regard. He's bitching to our brother about our mother who hasn't visited. He came home in a fowl mood yesterday evening and gave out to our mother - shouting why she hasn't visited her grandchild to date.

I'm annoyed and P-ed off about his attitude. Of course it would be lovely for our mother to see her son, daughter in law and grandchild. I can see the bigger picture here though. I see the timing just wasn't right so far. First of all, my mother doesn't drive. She is in her 60s now and my brothers location would mean taking several different buses. This is a journey my mother wouldn't be able to do on her own. For some weeks, I wasn't available to help her this way. The cost of the bus journeys would be nearly 50 euro. What bills does my mother turn her back to, to find that money?

If my brother is so concerned for our mother to see her grandchild - what has he done to help? He has a car. He can easily offer to take our mother for a spin for a weekend. There was a bank holiday weekend at the start of August. That would have been a great opportunity then. Where was he then? Probably spending the whole entire weekend with his girlfriend or drinking with his mates. The hypocrite. He's so worked up about our mother but why hasn't he visited his niece to date. He met them at the airport and he thinks that's enough, does he.

When are you free to take your mum to visit?

I will be free for the weekend of the 8th and the 9th of September and I told mam and we have plans made for visiting for that weekend. Hopefully she will come with me on the bus and she won't pull out from the plans at the last minute.

My brother at home is making an absolute hullabaloo and it's his attitude that I'm not liking.

I would just say to him and girlfriend that you don't think your dm is as well as she was when he left and he may need to visit her first and work on it from there.

Shouldwest...

It's not my brother who came home from abroad who's causing problems. He's disappointed but he's not causing trouble. It's my brother at home. He's being far far far too critical of our mother. There were times for him to help but he never did.

My mother is in her mid 60s. She's not old or unwell. She wouldn't be able for the journey on her own because of bus transfers and quite simply being clueless and that's it. I don't know if my brother and his partner wouldn't understand that. If there was an obvious sickness or illness, they probably would.

She wouldn't be able for the journey on her own because of bus transfers and quite simply being clueless and that's it.

Did she ever have a job? She's managed to bring up three children. Any particular reason she's 'clueless'? It would be relatively easy to spell out the journey for her, if she's incapable of finding the right bus.

She had a job back in the 70s. She married in the late 70s and began to have babies. She left the workforce to raise us and look after the home. In the early 90s she took on a part time job but then unfortunately her marriage went downhill and she couldn't continue working due to abuse from our father and eventually becoming a one parent family.

As for the journey for visiting, she would be able for the first part from our home into the city. She does that regularly. She would be able to go to the station and the ticket desk and get the first bus. That wouldn't bring her all of the way. That would bring her into a different county where she would need another bus. When she gets into the town where my brother now lives, there's still more of a journey. If there was someone there to help her and show her the way, the first one or two times, I think that would be ok.

Actually Im just after thinking about something. Around about three years, she fainted in town, coming off our regular bus, so I think she may be afraid to do a long journey on her own now. That would play a part too.

My brother said last week, during the week that he will be free this coming weekend and he can give a lift to our mother.

Just this weekend gone, he changed his plans as quick as you can flick a switch. He's spending the weekend with his girlfriend because she's due to move away for college and they will be doing a long distance thing from there on in until she finishes in a few years.

The next two more weekend ls after that, he will be working overtime. It will be end of September by the time he gets a free weekend and no doubt he will be squeezing time in to see his girlfriend for that weekend. Come October, there'll be something else no doubt.

I will take our mother on the bus to visit our other brother and partner and her grandchild this coming weekend.

I find my brothers (the one at home) attitude incredibly rich. Shouting his head off at our mother because she hasn't visited her grandchild when he himself has no time for his niece.

Sounds like your brother at home may have learned abusive behaviour towards your Mum from your father? Does she stand up to him about it? And did you sed to see your role as protector of your Mum when you were little?

Used to see, sorry

There's a lot of over involvement and enabling in your thread OP.

If your mother can't visit then it is her problem.

Your brother who is upset needs to either help your mother, accept it or mind his own business.

I actually don't see any reason why your mum can't navigate the buses - stop making excuses. Speaking from personal experience, my own mother is now housebound because she never kept active. Over reliant on lifts and other people doing the work.

Enjoy meeting your returning brother's family and stay out of discussions relating to the visits of others.

I’d be very very upset if my own family didn’t make the effort to see me if I’d returned from living across the world.

I think your brother was right to call out this poor behaviour.

If your mother is mentally ill to the extent it stops her visiting her family then she should seek help

Mellie,
My mother isn't old, or sick or mentally ill. She is in good shape for her age. I would say, maybe there's social anxiety coming into play because there's been other instances that she shys away from.

I completely agree with you. It must be very hard and disappointing for my brother who came home. The timing just wasn't right though for so long. He's home now about 8 weeks. When I visited he was disappointed with our mother and it's so much more harder for him because he's not at home and he doesn't understand the situation at home.

WhatwouldKRdo

My mother is relatively independent. She doesn't lounge about the house all day. She's kept busy with housework all the time. She enjoys walking and she walks to the village most days. About once a week she goes on the bus into the city. I help with grocery shopping doing it online because I don't have a car. She's only confident going into the city because she knows the route and where she is. Further afield and she would feel the need to have someone to accompany her.

I've been unbelievably busy throughout July and August. Work, holiday and wedding. It just wasn't possible for me to accompany my mother to the other end of the country. We have plans now for this weekend coming.

Gladys,
My brother at home is being an absolute dickhead and that's all he's being. He wasn't always like this. I'd say over the past 23 months or so, he changed. He's being overly critical and it looks to me as if he's not happy living at home but he won't move because it's convenient for him. I think he's on the phone to our brother that came home a lot and bitching to him and driving a wedge between our brother who came home and our mother. Instead of backing our mother up. My brother was free on the August bank holiday weekend and he could have easily have helped our mother but he didn't. He chose drinking with his mates and putting his girlfriend before the family again. He couldn't take one weekend of away from his social life to help our mother. I was away on holidays and when I came back I had a wedding to attend to. If it wasn't for that, I would have visited myself. I rang my sister in law and said that I'm not looking forward to the holiday and I wish I was going down south to visit you instead. I just find it so rich from my brother.

Jesus. At 14 I was flying to a different country on my own and whilst I was dropped off and picked up, I had to negotiate Heathrow on my own.

Your mum is more than capable of changing buses and then your brother can pick her up from the second station.

Or he could drive and visit you all.

Or you or your brother could drive her.

Anyway, leave them to it, they're being childish and it's not up to you to sort it. Don't see why your mother couldn't have come in the car with you and don't understand why your brother hasn't been arsed to drive a few hours to introduce his girlfriend and child to his mum!!

Your brother at home is a ‘red herring’ when it comes to your mother meeting her grandkid. He’s not part of that process. Imagine he’s the one who is overseas. Now plan that trip to see grandkid as if brother at home is in Antarctica. If you think of him at all, you’ll get bogged down in your mind.

Glady, you asked does my mother stand up to him?

She does not stand up to him. I can think of many instances over the past 18 months where he was bang out of order and she tolerates it from him. For example he used to be great at doing some jobs around the house and he stopped helping saying it's not his responsibility (although he's happy to stay at home and bum).

God, leaving all this visiting aside for a moment, my mother is only going to continue to age and goodness knows what's in store for the future as in heathwise. Hopefully she will continue to be healthy and nothing major comes to our door but there will come a time where she will need to rely on use more and more with aging. Does that make sense? It looks likely when that day comes that she needs care in her old age, it will fall on my back without an ounce of help from others.

I understand your frustration but it also seems to me you are worrying about this all an awful lot, and taking too much on yourself - when actually, there probably isn't much you can do about quite a bit of it. I take it from your posts that you too live with your Mum still? - have you thought of moving out? Are you hoping/planning to? It comes across that you are very enmeshed with your mother and brother's lives yet you really don't have much power over them as capable adults themselves - except the power over yourself, to get yourself worked up about it, or not!

It does sound as though your 'at home' brother is a bit of a lazy sod and rude and unkind to your mother - but while you may be justified in disliking him, what I am trying to say is there is probably not much you can do (unless your mother wants to change things - in which case she would have to take the lead, but you could perhaps support her - something which it doesn't seem is going to happen, however)

As far as your mother's eventual aging is concerned, again you seem to be rushing in and creating worries for yourself. She is clearly capable of looking after herself fine for now, and could well be fine for 20 years to come (my DM is 86 and has only recently started to need help, and that is mainly just cleaning and gardening)

You are right to observe that it often falls to daughters not sons - but you may well have all sorts of calls on your own time if your mother does need more help at any point - and that will be the time to stand up for yourself. Not a lot to be gained by fretting about it now, I wouldn't have thought.

Honestly? I think you should focus more on our own life/work/interests/friends/ and stop obsessing about your family. I think that would help you to have a calmer life.