Asserting boundaries vs issuing an ultimatum

[ItIsOkItIsASecret]

What's the difference?

Following on from some really shitty relationships, I have some pretty tight and well defined boundaries. I'm really clear about them.

If someone crosses them, I will speak to them about it and give them chance to put it right if they feel that is appropriate or walk away if they don't. And I will respond accordingly.

How is that different to, "it's me or..." because, essentially, they are similar.

So a crossed boundary can lead to an ultimatum then?

Thanks

Yes

...also, one way to check if an ultimatum is reasonable is "does the consequence match the offence?" So:

"if you keep standing me up, I'm going to stop dating you" = natural consequence

But not:

"If you are late to meet me one more time, I'm going to key your car" = not reasonable

NB: It is always OK to end a relationship for any reason, so anyone who claims that you aren't dump them over their behaviour because that's "you trying to change me" can safely be ignored.

Yy to anyone who claims that you aren't dump them over their behaviour because that's "you trying to change me" can safely be ignored.

The point of dating is to find out if you are compatible. It takes a while. If you discover there is something about the person that makes them incompatible, e.g. heavy drinking, snoring, stupid jokes, misogynist, annoying little toe twitch, whatever, that's the cue to decide whether it is tolerable to you or to split up, not the cue to start trying to change them.

Thanks! That's much clearer now

OP - I don’t think the issue is really boundaries...
Your ex-H cheated and that of course is a deal breaker for most.
And you are now more sensitive and easily triggered.
So - in your case - the issue is not always them - it’s your reaction to it...No?

The bf - with that woman who ‘came on to him’ - he didn’t do anything wrong, did he? He, as you said, told her of. Etc.

So - OP - while obvious cheating is a boundary everyone would fare with, more arbitrary and subjective ones can be harder for people to deal with.

Anyone would ‘Agree’ with it
(Damn autocorrect)

Really helpful discussion! Thanks for raising it OP.

I've never really discussed boundaries with any partners or potential partners, neither have I issued ultimatums for that matter. I actually don't see the point of discussing it. They are what they are. I'm not going to change them.

I have boundaries of course, and if they get crossed, then it's the 'this isn't working for me' conversation.

The ultimate ultimatum is walking away.

I don't know about OP but my problem is, where I haven't had boundaries before I feel almost a sense that I have to make them clear now from the beginning. I see what noego is saying and I don't disagree but I suppose it feels like there are so many "grey" areas nowadays that didn't exist in the early days when I was dating. Things like men texting other women (a problem we see on here a lot) wasn't an issue when I was young as mobile phones didn't exist! Porn was rented from the video shop in those days! It wasn't all over the place like it is now. I've seen many scenarios on here where half the people say something would be a deal breaker for them and the other half say it wouldn't. I know it's about my boundaries and other people's boundaries are their own. I get that. I just wonder how you convey that to a partner as it seems drastic walking away if they cross one of your boundaries that they weren't even aware of!

@Storm4star

One persons grey areas are different to another's. AS an example some people might be ok with binge drinking, or drug taking or gambling others may not. If after a few weeks/months this has come to light and its crossed one of your boundaries, then surely it is time to move on.
Like wise for a hundred other things. What is acceptable to one is not acceptable to another.
I believe that each individual has to sort there own boundaries out and stick with them.

When the grey area crops up - trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable then a boundary has been crossed. If you think that you may be too rigid, sleep on it and see how your gut is afterwards.

Following with interest. I recently comment on the "red flags" thread that I struggle to establish boundaries without coming across as a bitch. My boundaries have previously been too flexible and I have a string of unhealthy past relationships because I have glossed over red flags trying to see the best in people and have given too many chances. I've allowed negative behaviour to be negated by positive behaviour rather than viewing them as separate eg yes he groped me in public and doesn't respect my boundaries but he's taken me and my son on holiday and is very generous. The groping should have been a game over event but because he was so nice in other ways I glossed over it (although I was mad a hell and he knew it) I could slap myself.
I too have issues with people drinking alcohol due to my dad being alcoholic. I really have no concept of normal for drinking and so many people drink beyond the recommended limits that my idea of reasonable drinking is seen as controlling and far too strict and unreasonable. For me, people drinking alone isn't normal as that's what my dad did and his drinking wasn't normal. Same for drinking in response to stress. That one really worries me. And drinking every day or drinking when they know it exacerbates a health problem. My anxiety is awful around drinking. I do drink myself but very occasionally. I'm ok with me drinking though as I know I do so within my own boundaries if that makes sense?

I've resigned myself to being single as I'm just not cut out for relationships. I'm ok with that though

I think i’ve come to the same conclusion as you perverse. My boundaries have been so skewed for so long that I feel that the current boundaries I have are impenetrable walls at this stage. I just don’t feel able to navigate all these mine fields any more. And like you, i’m Ok with that. I actually don’t want to get into another situation where a boundary is crossed and I don’t walk away. And that seems to be the only choice, to walk away. I think i’d rather just not go there in the first place at this stage.

I'd rather be single than be with someone who is..........

Bigoted, a functioning alcoholic, disrespectful, whiney (a few examples)

If being single is what it takes, then so be it.

@Storm4star I think having children has made me resort to singledom. The older two wanted me to have someone and were happy with me dating and happy when I found someone I liked and seemed like the perfect guy for me. I don't have anyone who can look after my children except for the odd time so dating is hard. Too hard and I'm not risking introducing anyone else into our lives now. It's so complicated with two sets of children and my kids hated his. I didn't realise how much until I ended the relationship and they were relieved they'd never have to see his kids again. They liked him though. Their dad has a very unstable relationship with his girlfriend so I owe it to them to give them as much stability as I can. For now that means staying single. I don't have the energy for dating either and all the crap that goes with it with establishing boundaries and trying to blend two families. Even from date one there's two sets of kids and an ex to take into consideration in working out when you're free to go out and you can't be changing contact schedules to allow for your dating life. So bollocks to all that. I'd rather go to bed with a good book and a hot chocolate!

Lol, I hear you! You can’t beat a good book. Yes i’m Happy to be single right now and just theorise on here about future relationships! Not sure i’ll Ever bother again but it feels wrong to say “never”, may be just “highly unlikely”!

I was brought up being told that relationships took work and compromise and shouldn't be given up on. That fucked me up good and proper in terms of boundaries. Every time someone upset me, disrespected me, disregarded me, hurt me, and abused me, I tried my best to compromise, work at the relationship and not give up, no matter what (bar extreme behaviours) because I stupidly thought that's what you did. That's what my mother did in her marriage. No-one ever spoke to me about boundaries and acceptable behaviour in relationships. No one told me it's not ok to be treated in certain ways and to stand up for myself. I was brought up to be walked all over and was shot down in flames if I stood up for myself and that makes me bloody angry. So I'm teaching my children as best I can about boundaries and acceptable behaviour and how it's ok to say no, this isn't ok and to walk away.

Same here PeverseConverse. As a child, I was never allowed to say no to anything my parents wanted me to do. Never, ever, ever. They had to be obeyed absolutely or corporal punishment would be administered. I was not allowed to disappoint them, I was not allowed to show them anything other than total respect, I was not allowed to disagree with them. I had to be exactly who they wanted me to be. I therefore had NO boundaries, none at all and would morph myself into what any other person wanted me to be.

I've had quite a bit of therapy and I'm way better than I was, but still a work in progress.

I was adamant that my children would be brought up completely differently and we have disagreements and they negotiate with me and we compromise and think together about the best way forward, so they probably have other issues , but they do know where their boundaries are!