DIFFICULT EX

[ZoeSusan]

I'm writing this with a heavy heart and feeling totally and utterly devastated.
My ex and I have 2 beautiful children together aged children together, aged 1 and 3.
We haven't had set days because he has been coming here whenever he feels like it to see the children (which isn't very often), maybe once or twice a week. I have put a stop to this as he has started calling me vile names in front of the children. He has turned nasty about this and said he will start having them every Friday and Saturday after this weekend. Knowing full well I work this weekend, a 12 hour shift on Saturday. I asked why he can't have them this weekend and he said it's because he is going to a local festival this weekend which he already has a ticket for and in his words 'you didn't ask me to look after them this weekend so I've made plans' 🤬
He hasn't seen them now for 8 days, and the last day he seen them (last Thursday) he called me a 'fat dumb c**t' in front of them and He hasn't made any contact asking to have them at all this week.
I said to him today that he hasn't seen them this week and thought he would be looking forward to having them for the day on Saturday, and he said 'well that's your fault I haven't been able to see them'
I'm really at a loss to what to do about this situation. I never wanted things to turn nasty and certainly never thought he would be this selfish. A lot has happened which he has turned around on me and he's displaying signs of very narcissistic behaviour. His family do not like me so I can't talk to them, and I just feel like this is very unfair. I have had to miss work before because he has refused to have them, saying 'I'm not your glorified babysitter to have them just while you're at work'. He hasn't given me a decent amount of child maintenance in 2 months because he's been emergency taxed at work and when I quizzed him about how he can afford to go to this festival but not pay for his children he said the ticket was bought for him as a present.
Any advice we come please. Thank you in advance. Am I being unreasonable? X

He’s behaving out of order and you are facilitating him. He’s got it all his own way. Now he’s turned abusive so your nice, amenable manner has to stop. You go see a solicitor to draw up a contact agreement. This does not have to be just the days he wants. If every other weekend suits you, then you stipulate that. You do not need to tell him what you are doing when you have the kids. If he asks you do not answer. You ring rights for women for free legal advice. You call CMS and lodge a claim for maintenance (backdated). It’s time for everybody to grow up and start getting things done properly and legally. Amicable only works if non abusive and fair. This isn’t working and so he stops getting it his way right now

You are being totally reasonable and he is playing games. You need to formalise everything and build some boundaries. Stop depending on him to do the decent thing and step up. So far he's only wanted to see the kids so he can see and abuse you.

Organise childcare that doesn't depend on him. Even if he says he'll have them on other Saturdays, he WILL let you down at the last minute just to fuck you around.

Csa asap, dependable childcare and decide when it is mutually convenient for him to have access, but expect him to let you and the dc down. So have alternative plans if he cancels, if he's later than half hour he loses that contact time. If he wants to drop them off early to fuck up your plans then don't be available.

Take all emotion out and grey rock. He'll threaten court etc, let him. That's probably the best thing anyway, so keep a diary of all the times he cancels and is late etc.

Csa coz emergency tax is bollox. Stop being nice. It's his responsibility to see and support his kids, not yours to bend over backwards to try and make him step up. Be prepared for a fight short term as you get boundaries in place, but it's that or him fucking the kids around for years because fucking up your life is more important to him than your dc. If he's not prepared to ensure a good relationship with the dc, that's not your job. Dc will adapt with one strong, loving and dependable parent.

Good advice from the 2 posters above. You need a formal arrangement for contact and child support. The only person you can rely on is you. Get your head around that and do whatever you can to be the best parent you can. In my experience, many fathers hate doing any form of childcare on their own. Also, do not be intimidated by his threats when he realises you are formalising everything.

And be prepared to be messed around. A court order for contact does not mean that he HAS to have them, so you cannot rely on that for childcare when you are working. Good luck.

Thank you. I feel like I'm just totally deflated. I have tried to do everything that is best by my children, and he just doesn't understand how I can think it's him being unreasonable.
I have a lot to pay out for being a single mum, and need all the hours I can get at work but with him being difficult I'm finding that hard work... my mum and Nan help with childcare in the weekdays but my mum also works and I feel like she is entitled to a weekend to herself, although she has started having the children every other Sunday because he is said he's working Sunday's now. I feel like he should have his children every weekend while I'm at work because this is the only time I really get to myself and I have the children the majority of the time. This is by no means me trying to get rid of them because I love having them, more the fact that he goes around playing the victim that he misses his kids, and saying I stop him from seeing them. If he missed them, wouldn't he jump at every chance to see them?

Stop trying to make him see “reason”. It doesn’t matter what his opinion or views are. That’s why there are laws. The best for your children is financial support, boundaries, normality, non verbal abuse and proper legal access. The rest of it is over emotion and drama rama. Nobody is winning right now and he’s not suddenly going to turn into Pierce Brosnan overnight. Go get legal advice and get the proper stuff drawn up. Big girl pants need to be pulled up now. You should have done this all the day after you broke up. He’s now used to jerking your chain so it’s all going to be 10 times as hard. Get it done. Ring CMS now. Ring local solicitor now

Cawfee is right. There's no ducking this. Grasp the nettle. It's your only route to making things better for you and your children. Difficult Ex would have driven me demented (god knows he tried) so I accepted that I had been left holding 2 babies and the only way forward was to pull my socks up and get on with it. There is no reasoning with an unreasonable person. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, and I bet you're a great mum.

You probably to go to mediation or to court to get an order. But be aware even with an order if someone is determined to do what they want they will!! Me and my ex have a court order, but hes still as difficult as ever, hasn't seen the kids in 3 weeks.
I would consult a solicitor and see what they recommend. Every other weekend a day during the week for tea is normal. Also half the holidays.