Always got to be doing some activity or other

[BG2015]

Love my DP to bits. He loves life and that's one of the things that attracted me to him.

I've been off work on holiday (teacher) for the summer and because my DP is self employed and going through a slack period he's had quite a bit of time off with me which has been great.

We were away for 2 weeks but since we've been back he constantly wants to be up and doing stuff. He's big into the gym (where we met) and loves his fitness, walking etc. He's an early riser so tries to encourage me to be at the gym at 7, or is planning walks which involve lots of hills.

I do love the gym (and he's a brilliant motivator as he's a qualified personal trainer) and I love a decent walk but everyday it's "what are we doing today." Or after a morning walk/Gym session "what are you doing for the rest of the day?"

I've basically had to put my foot down and tell him I'm not doing anything I'm just sitting here on my sofa and doing sweet f** all, reading my book or watching Friends on Netflix.

He knows what my jobs like and that during term time I'm on a hamster wheel but I feel so mean saying no. To be fair he has gone to the gym on his own a few times.

I have a friend whose also like this and has constantly got be doing something.

Same here but both teachers. I really hate feeling like a couch potato when he wants to be filling every day doing something. But I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it and let him crack on. I try to remind myself that he has to entertain himself before our relationship. He's into the gym too so goes most days while I vaguely threaten to do a yoga video. Don't have an answer really other than accept that I'm not him, we are both adults and can do what we please. I don't like the fact that his activities are usually much more 'worthy' than mine. He gets bored very easily whereas I can spend an entire day reading quite happily. He knows not to say he's bored though otherwise I trot out my favourite 'only boring people get bored' or my mums favourite 'You're bored? Oh good, the bathroom needs grouting, the oven cleaning or the hoovering done so take your pick'.

My ex was like this (but maybe a bit more intense). Obsessed with running so I had to be too, even though I didn’t like it. Kept pestering me to enter 10ks and half marathons, run every weekend even though I did lots of gym classes and much preferred them and had a really dodgy knee. If it wasn’t running, it was going for a hike, paddle boarding, hiring a row boat - he just couldn’t chill out and do nothing. Like you I had a super pressured job and my weekends were a chance to chill out. Ultimately it was one of the factors in me ending it. I think you just need to talk to him and explain this is your downtime and you’ll let him know when you want to go to the gym etc. And maybe set spaced out activity days so you say which ones you’re up for doing eg gym or walk and which ones he’ll be on his own while you chill the fuck out

patty I say the exact same phrase to my kids 'only boring people get bored'

I have my own 'Gym' guilt - I love and hate the gym in equal measures but he makes me feel even more guilty if I don't go. Once I'm there I'm fine and love it! And I do appreciate his support.

But also I'm happy just pottering around doing my own thing.

It's only a problem if he insists you join him or makes you feel guilty if you don't. Personally his attitude would drive me demented, but each to their own.

He doesn't insist I do have a choice! And I've said no thanks, lots of times.

Don't get me wrong I want to go to the gym and walk etc but I want days in between that aren't planned. I spend every work day at school clock watching, every minute is planned.

I think my problem is my own and how I feel guilty if I'm not busy.

The gym at 7am in the holidays? No thanks. I would hate the pressure to do things I didn’t want to do. That is one of the main reasons I have decided to remain single - no having to compromise!

Ha! When he's fidgeting around and pouring over OS maps planning treks that I have no intention of going on I do wonder if I would be happier with a more similar couch potato partner. But then on the times I do want to do stuff I would hate to have to coax my partner to come!! I do love him but sometimes wish he would just chill the fuck out. I think it is down to your self esteem and opinion of yourself. If you are comfortable and confident in your preferences then it shouldn't bother you what he does. He should love you as much the first time you turn him down as the hundredth. And if he doesn't, we'll, it's not a match I guess. I don't know. But I do know that life is too short to pretend to be someone that you're not. Bellendejour did you tell him this was a factor?

I said it's only a problem if he insists. I wasn't implying this was a problem for you

I think I have the same guilt for not being busy. My parents and my grandparents were ALWAYS busy. Naps are unheard of. If my dad is at a loose end he's chopping wood or trimming hedges, if my mum is then she's ironing or making soups. I think this is the source of my guilt. Strangely neither me nor my sister have an issue with loafing about...

You need more sex!

Honestly if he’s shagged out, he won’t feel the need to be running around, doing reps.

I'm a loafer. I like spending days sitting on the couch, watching Netflix and browsing Mumsnet.

It's quite modern, I think, this constant pressure to be doing something. When I was a kid, the summer holidays would be a couple of treats and a camping holiday, and the rest would stretch out in endless boredom. Now kids expect activities every day. I don't think it's that healthy. People need to learn to just be with themselves and make their own entertainment.

Yanbu. I'd want days of doing very little if I were a teacher on holiday.

He's happy today because the cricket is on and I've been into school.

I've not been to the gym since Sunday and the earliest I've been is 9am - I've often still been asleep at 7am lol. He knows it's not happening that early.

I do love his enthusiasm and we've been on some amazing walks where we've got stupidly lost and laughed at our inability to read a map.

Life is all about compromises and getting along with people.

I have one of these!

He recently describes me sitting in the sunshine with a good book and a cup of coffee as 'doing nothing'. Good thing I love him.

thecrabbypatty kind of - like when I ended it I said I thought he needed to go out with someone who really liked running... I had brought it up and how pressured it made me feel but I just don’t think he could see it as anything other than a positive to be going out running or doing loads of things.

Now with someone who’s a bit more on my level (likes gym but not a nut, likes doing things sometimes but also lives chilling) and I’m happier.

But I’m sure you’ll be alright OP!

Mine is a bit like this. I have a job with a long commute and where I have to be sociable and "on" all the time. His job is two minutes away and he spends hours on his own sometimes.

When he gets home he wants to do things - we recently got a puppy so I send him out with the dog while I have a bath and take over the sofa!

Interesting Bellendejour thanks for replying. Fortunately I have never felt pressured, he is now preempting no's from me, particularly if its raining. Its more me feeling like I'm disappointing him by not joining in.

The phrase "the scourge of an unquiet mind" is running through my head as I read your OP.

I am personally a fan of quiet relaxation times. Reading, playing games on my phone or PC, watching "quality" TV/films (i.e. box sets, not just "whatever's on"), going for a drive (on my own) and just digging the open road along with whatever music I've got on.

I hit the gym 2-3 times a week - ALONE. Woe betide anyone who tries to buddy up with me at the gym. Workout time is for me.

But about once a week, I'm used to "doing something". Generally with my son. We might go to the cinema, go on a walk with a picnic, do a DIY project, learn about some esoteric method of rat training via YouTube, cook a meal made with stuff we've grown or foraged. Twice a year we'll do something "big" like go to a theme park or down to London for the night.

I spend my working days - often 60 hours a week - with other people, servicing their wants, needs and problems. I travel all over the country. The last thing I want on my day off is to follow some fucking itinerary of !!FUN!! when I just want to rebuild my emotional reserves.

Compromise idea: presuming you both work 5 days a week, could you agree to spend one whole day "doing stuff" every week? That might mean you lie in on Saturday morning while he hits the gym, then you go out walking together on Saturday afternoon/evening, then on Sunday morning you breakfast together and do the shopping, then he buggers off with his mates and you spend a blissful Sunday afternoon doing whatever the fuck you like.

It's only been over the summer holiday that this has happened.

Next week things will go back to normal - I'll go to the gym on my own after work, Saturday will be shopping, housework, washing, Sunday will be gym together, School stuff and ironing. Occasional meal out together or with friends.

With an odd longish walk thrown in during a weekend somewhere.

And repeat!