Exh, friends of 29 years and very hurt feelings!

[Cambionome]

I am prepared to be told that I'm being ridiculous here, but I honestly feel very hurt by this whole situation!

A bit of background information. Stbxh (separated for almost a year but still waiting for the divorce to go through) and I have been part of a friendship group for almost 30 years. He has known them for slightly longer than I have but, as I say, I've had a very longstanding friendship with them. The group consists of 3 couples and a singleton, plus a few others on the periphery, and people meet up maybe a couple of times a year (we are all spread out quite a bit geographically).

After stbx and I first separated I had a few friendly messages and didn't think anything was wrong or unusual. It was a low key and fairly amicable split, and I don't think that anyone was particularly surprised (stbx and I came very close to splitting up a few years ago). I've had an incredibly busy summer (new job, family issues, imminent change of location) and I wasn't surprised not to hear much from anyone as it's not unusual to go for months at a time with little contact before getting together for a long weekend.

Talking to stbx last night, I found out that one of the group (probably the dominant personality) is having a big party to celebrate a milestone birthday in a couple of weeks, which I realise I obviously haven't been invited to. Thinking back over one or two other things he's said recently, I realise that there was probably a big mid-summer get together which I also wasn't invited to.

Am I being ridiculous to feel incredibly hurt about this? The stupid thing is that I wouldn't be at all bothered if I turned up somewhere and stbx was there, and I don't think he would be particularly fussed either (although I might wrong I suppose).

I should have just slept on the news and thought about it again in the morning, but I stupidly sent birthday friend a hurt WhatsApp in the middle of the night... and now feel a bit foolish but still upset.

Of course she can invite whoever she wants to her party, but am I unusual in feeling upset and disappointed that I've obviously just been completely cut out of the group without a word by people who I thought were longstanding friends?

Thanks for reading all this, and well done for making it to the end!

Yes, it hurts to be excluded.
A friend and I met up with other mutual friends we hadn’t seen for years, we were looking at old photos including of a Halloween party. There were comments about why did the friendship group drift etc etc. Err, because I was never invited to the party, the new house etc.

Unfortunately it is during times like these that you find out who your friends are. Personally I would confront her and tell her that you hope she has a wonderful day and give her a fabulous gift as it will be the last the little Judas will be getting from you and mention that you were obviously misguided in assuming you were friends. And walk away with your head held high.

You're feelings are completely natural. This is hurtful - you haven't divorced your friends! Don't worry about the whatsapp. I have been in similar situation and cringed when I have sent out hurt messages but for the most part, it alerts people to the fact you're feeling left out, they have to think about their actions and dialogue is then opened.
Big love

People pick sides. You're not unusual or unreasonable to feel hurt about it, but generally, IME, they choose. When ExP and I split, our mutual friendship group definitely picked sides - some went with him, some me, some just distanced themselves from us both now we weren't a couple. A very few stayed close to us both. It wasn't always the ones you expect that drifted to one or other, and calling them on it didn't help: I lost someone I thought of as a good friend completely because I expressed my hurt, but kept close with two people I'd thought of as more 'his' friends. On the plus side, there was very little social awkwardness, which I guess is everyone's worry, and you move on from the former friends as you move on from the former relationship - in time you'll be grateful to know who your real friends are.

Thanks for your replies.

I feel slightly embarrassed about the What'sApp, but agree that in a way it's important to me that she knows how this behaviour has made me feel. In the past I've been the person who smoothes over situations and doesn't make a fuss about anything, but I'm feeling a bit stronger these days. Why should I keep quiet and slink away just so things are easier for them??

It is very hard to be the friends in this situation.

I know you say you would both have been happy to see each other there, but would that have been sustainable, as you meet new partners and so on, chat about your dating lives and new relationships? I think it would become very awkward.

Friends usually have to choose. If he knew them first, they may consider him more of a friend.

In my case some friends sided with xh, I think because he fitted in better with their social arrangements. He was in a new relationship quickly and could do couple things and dinner parties. He was child-free and had the money for weekends away and holidays. I was single, with four dc and no money.

It hurts I know but you will find out who your genuine friends are, and make new ones.

Don't feel bad about your message. Your friend will know they've behaved in a hurtful way towards you, so why not call them out on it.

Thanks Rainy.

Tbh, I am in my 50s and stbx is in his 60s so I don't think that there is going to be a huge amount of meeting new partners, but you never know I suppose.

I guess the thing that's upsetting me the most is that the whole taking sides thing is just so unnecessary. It seems like people have decided to make a drama out of a not very dramatic situation and I'm just collateral damage, iyswim.

People can be weird and don’t know how to behave in lots of social circumstances-If you want to carry on seeing them then definitely point it out with the aim of fixing it, rather than shaming them. Give them the chance to recognise their mistake. True friends would be mortified. If your ex is reasonable you could mention to him that your mutual friends are unnecessarily excluding you, and maybe he could mention to them all that he’s really fine with you being there etc. I think you can all move forward with friendship in the future,even with new partners, if others don’t put up the barriers to a problem that doesn’t exist between you two. I’m from a family where ex’s and new partners all end up friends, mostly because the rest of us never take sides. It works long term but there’s usually a rough couple of years until the dust settles. Good luck with the future.

Its upsetting but at least you now know who is truly your friend and who isn't. You may not get a response or a good response but at least you have been open about your feelings.

Do you have other friends for companionship and support?

Hurtful, and you did right to tell the host.

It must feel dreadful, I’m sorry you are hurt.

You must have expected some change in the group though surely?

You didn’t really think that you were going to carry on going for cosy weekends away with 7 people, two of whom can no longer bear to live in the same house together?

You might not find it awkward but everyone else certainly would.

A big party is different of course but I can see why the host chose as she did. She doesn’t have any evidence that you are both going to behave well and she doesn’t want problems at her big night.

I wonder if your ex was clever and organised the mid-summer bash?

It’s very upsetting and you aren’t wrong to be hurt but the group was always going to change.

I’ve never known a friendship group that didn’t change after key members divorced I’m afraid.

Thanks YetAnother. I don't honestly think that they are going to recognise their mistake after my rather emotional What'sApp - more likely go on the defensive. I have handled things badly from that point of view, but I'm still glad that I expressed my feelings rather than slinking away with my tail between my legs.

Luckily I have quite a few good friends, so it's not a massive problem from that point of view. Just ... surprising, and unnecessary.

I didn't expect to be invited on weekends away, Nona but a big party...? I don't honestly think she would feel worried we would behave badly, possibly that it might all feel a bit awkward...

Can't understand, though, why she didn't just ask me how I felt and if I would be ok with being in the same room as stbx. I guess it's just easier not to bother.

Birthday friend has now read the What'sApp but not responded!

I don’t think tou should feel too bad about the WhatsApp, I’m sure the lady concerned will understand where your feelings come from. The situation has put her in a difficult position and she’s probably been agonising over it.

You said 30 years? Are they his school friends? Perhaps they asked him whether he thought you could both attend?

A big party is different from a small event but it would still have been difficult for you and for the group. What if one of you turned up with a new partner?

It’s hard enough for groups when friends fall out let alone divorce.

None of which makes you feel any better of course. I’m so glad that you have other friends to support you. Perhaps as a pp said once the dust settles things might get easier with the group.

Thanks Nona and everyone else for the advice; posting on here has really helped me to get this out of my system. I feel a bit calmer now and I think I'll just chalk it up to experience and move on - sadder but wiser!!

Do you keep in touch with the group individually or have you not had any contact with them since your separation a year ago ?
I'd do as Beaverhausen suggested and send a present and card and a note to say your dissapointed that they no longer consider you a close friend, and then move on.
For what it's worth I'd be upset too.