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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm feeling so down because of a family rift. Just need to vent.

22 replies

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 01:13

Basically, I always felt quite close to my siblings growing up. I don't have contact with my (abusive) mum now and my dad has sided with her. The problem is, although we were always fairly close, we all have our faults and we'd have the odd disagreement which would always just blow over.

It seems like now that we all have partners, there so much "he said, she said" and people reading into things when there's nothing to read into. It really does upset me.

I was confronted tonight by SIL (who doesn't have any DC) who said she feels as though I have formed a bit of a group with one of my brothers and his wife (who has DC the same age as mine). She said that I hadn't got back to them about an offer of a lift somewhere and ended up going out that same day with my other brother. The truth is, I'm taking care of a 4 and 2 year old on my own and we've been so busy my brain just isn't working half the time I almost feel like I'm spending my life at the moment just firefighting; dealing with one situation and moving on to the next and I just can't keep up and can't keep everyone happy.

I just feel like I'm a failure because of having to go NC with my mum and the fact my dad has sided with her and now isn't speaking to me, and now I've got people telling me they think I'm leaving them out and not dealing with situations in the right way. I can honestly hand on heart say I'm trying my best but it just feels my best isn't good enough anymore.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to gain from this post but hopefully sharing it and not bottling it all up will help in some way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 01:31

Sorry for the bump. I'm just really hoping someone will read and reply. I just feel like I'm running out of people to talk to IRL and I'm really second guessing myself and whether I'm the problem in all of this. I do apologise for the needy post but I just feel so alone with all of this.

OP posts:

PawneeParksDept · 30/08/2018 01:36

I see that you really need someone to talk to right now so hi.

I'm not exactly in your situation but I have a pretty bruising dynamic with my siblings and had to go NC with a parent so I get it.

Does the saying all happy families are alike but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way make sense?

You aren't alone as a child I envied my friends family who were like something off TV by comparison

Cheekyfseverywhere · 30/08/2018 01:37

Sounds to me like you're really sad about the no contact even though you say your mum is abusive totally natural to have these conflicting feelings.

What did you say back to your sil?

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 01:42

What did you say back to your sil?

I explained to her that sometimes my brain is all over the place with all the stuff I need to do/organise, especially with having 2 kids in tow and that I would never intentionally let someone down and I can assure her that I would never have done something like that on purpose. I also explained that I would never want to pair up with one sibling and leave the others out. I also called her out on the fact that she had done things with one of my other siblings (who also doesn't have kids) and hadn't invited me when we were all on holiday together. I didn't mind it at the time but you can't exactly have a go at me when you've done something very similar yourself. I hate confrontation but having children has taught me to stick up for myself and that's what I did. I now feel awful though and like there's tension between us which I really don't want.

OP posts:

PawneeParksDept · 30/08/2018 01:54

Having to go NC with a parent makes them the failure not you.

If my parent had loved me the way the were supposed to, and behaved towards me the way a parent should I never would have gone NC and probably would have adored them in spite of their other glaring faults as a human.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 30/08/2018 06:45

Op you can only do so much and I think having small dc your focus should be in them.

You need supportive helpful people in your life.

MrsJonesAndMe · 30/08/2018 06:55

I think you've done everything you can. Probably give things a week or 2 to calm down and then arrange something for the whole family if you want.

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 07:28

It's hard because we live a big distance apart and they are staying with me just now and leaving today, o feel like maybe I shouldn't have defended myself and there now wouldn't be this awkwardness.

OP posts:

isabella2 · 30/08/2018 07:41

I can understand why she's annoyed to be honest. If she called you out on it without being angry then I think she did the right thing and you now realise you unintentionally let her down. She should hopefully now accept your explanation and let it go.

I hope you're ok.

Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 07:42

Was it an argument or more of a conversation? Is she seeing it as a fall out? Make the peace this morning before they leave, it will all be ok.

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 07:49

Isabella2 - the day she's referring to was the day after we got back from our holiday. I was staying at my other brothers that night. We only got back at about 10pm. They had said to me "If you want to go to church tomorrow we'll be going, just give us a shout as we can take you", we'll that's how o recall it 3 weeks since it happened. I told them I wasn't even sure if I had clean clothes to wear, which was all true. The next morning came and other SIL said they were meeting friends for lunch and for me and my DC to come along. I looked through my clothes and put together a very uncoordinated outfit that I luckily managed to find and that was that. I didn't really give the offer of a lift to church much of a second thought in all honesty as I thought I was just to let them know if I wanted a lift rather than to let them know either way. I didn't invite them to the lunch and neither did my brother but I think I was only invited by default because I was staying with them. I should have text them to let them know but it was such a busy morning and I was exhausted by a week at a villa with a pool and 2 non swimming DC to keep safe, it completely slipped my mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 11:01

OP posts:

Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 11:03

Have they gone, OP? How were things this morning x

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 11:36

They have left. We were all very much polite to one another this morning but i couldn't help feel awkward. I feel so sad that it now feels like there's a bit of a wedge between me and my brother. We were so close growing up.

OP posts:

Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 11:37

Don't let it cause a wedge. Act like it never happened.

MNHQ

AnyaMumsnet · 30/08/2018 12:48

Hi there everyone,

We're moving this to relationships at OP's request.

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 13:04

Hi everyone in relationships. I was hoping for some words of wisdom/help/advice and thought my post may be better placed in here. Hope you can help.

OP posts:

MrsJonesAndMe · 30/08/2018 21:51

Bumping for you. Still don't think you did anything wrong.

Original poster

Hushabyebaby · 30/08/2018 22:42

Thanks MrsJonesAndMe

OP posts:

Original poster

HushAByeBaby · 30/08/2018 23:41

Anyone?

OP posts:

user764329056 · 30/08/2018 23:48

Hi there, I don’t really have any words of wisdom but just wanted to share that I am no contact with narc mother and siblings and it’s bloody painful but an inevitability if I want any kind of peace in my life, I couldn’t deal with their toxicity any longer and have been NC for over 2 years now, it still hurts but had to protect myself, hope you find a solution that is right for you, it’s so true that all happy families are the same, open, honest, loyal and loving, sounds so simple doesn’t it, it’s really difficult to come to terms with how dysfunctional my lot are and knowing I had to make a complete break

isabella2 · 30/08/2018 23:56

Wow, with your update it certainly sounds like you did nothing wrong! The first post read to me like she invited you somewhere and you didn't reply then went out with your brother - but that's not the case at all!

My sister in law really upset me a while ago. She left with her family and it was really awkward. They do not live locally and we see them a few times a year. I kind of wanted to call her out on her rudeness but decided to ignore it and pretend it hadn't happened for harmony as we usually get on well. It's been fine since but I won't forget and have changed some things of how I act so she can never accuse me again (irrationally or otherwise!).

I hate falling out with people, you have my sympathy!

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