DS not speaking to his dad

[orangepen]

Name changes but regular.
Narcissistic ExH and I separated 4 1/2 years ago. DS had a complete breakdown - CAMHS involvement, suicide threats, afraid to leave me etc. He was almost 10 then and is 14 now.
EXH had changed before he left, new friends and drinking more. DS witnessed this - our neighbour threatened to call social services over exh's angry shouting at DS.
Anyway life has moved ion and DS is getting better. He sees his dad every Saturday and they have a week together in the summer (not a lot but they built a relationship).
Ex is now dating a woman that DS dislikes as he associates her with his dad drinking and changing. She was one of his new friends and was always the exhibitionist, loudest and drunkest at functions. She has left her husband and ex spends a lot of time with her and her kids. DS has said that he feels like he has lost Dad all over again (dad does Cinema etc with these kids - doesn't take DS). She has called DS a 'selfish little boy' recently at a 14th birthday party (she was friends with the host - ex of course does not believe DS)
Anyway they fell out and ex said some stupid things like 'DS needs to understand where my life is at' - DS told him to shut up and they haven't been speaking as ex then shouted at DS and I had to asked him to leave. I have been trying to patch things up but DS won't meet to talk things through unless I am there. I really don't want to be there at all - but want them to have a relationship - however ex is refusing to meet DS if I am there as it is between the two of them.
DS is refusing to meet dad and I am caught in the middle - ex has told people I am preventing him from seeing DS (which is bollocks).
Where do I go next??

Give the whole situation a bit more space and time to cool down. Probably best though if you dont get stuck in the middle of it. Fourteen is old enough for your son to talk with his dad or not as he decides. Hope it works out ok.

I don't want to be! Exh is not a pleasant man.

How awful for your son. I’d let him have space from his dad for now.

Thanks. DS getting anxiety attacks over the situation. Ex doesn't believe he has mental health issues

Don’t get involved. Get him a phone, programme ex number in and he can call him if he wants. It’s down to your ex to build a relationship with his DS. Sounds like he just can’t be bothered because he’s more focused on his new life. Get your ds all the support he needs. Counselling etc.

Why are you trying to force a relationship? Your son went through a break down, they spent time rebuilding that relationship and yet now, cause his dad has a new girlfriend the father is throwing his son to the side again.

He is NOT a good father, he is toxic and I would not be encouraging this relationship at all. He is the reason your son mental health has suffered so much and I wonder what you have done to prevent the verbal abuse in the past? How long was ex nasty to your son before he left? I wonder that, as a child having a melt down that extreme is not 'normal'.

Put your son first and stop trying make amends with your ex. He doesn't need his father, he needs you as his strong parternal figure. He likely feels a lot anxiety as he has his father and YOU on his back, if he doesn't want see his father then you should support that and leave it be.

Your son is old enough to decide what relationship he has with his father and he had decided for now that he doesn't want one. I don't blame him. He needs to nurture his mental health and having his father around won't help with that. The new partner sound pretty unpleasant too.

It's a shame he's blaming you of course but do you really care that much?

I agree with others.
Let everyone have space.
Do NOT force your DS to have a relationship with his Narc dad if he doesn't want one.
He's toxic and not good for DS so let your DS what he wants to do.
Ignore what he is saying about you.
I'm sure a lot of people have the measure of him.
Just support your DS and his decisions.

Your son is at a very vulnerable age, but is also old enough to know his own mind and to have his own opinion about his father. If he doesn't want contact with him right now, then that's your son's decision. I would stand by him and and give him every support he needs in his decision. Narcs are a bloody nightmare, and highly damaging to children.

As the reasonable adult here, it's your job to stand up to EXH and protect/support your son. Don't get sucked into the blame game. Narcs love chaos, control, and thrive on creating drama. You're bigger and better than that! Good luck.

Hi OP
Sorry your exH is a twat. I wouldn't force any kind of relationship between them. Your son is old enough to make his own mind up about his dad. I was a little older than him when my parents split and I don't speak to me dad at all now. I hated that for years I was forced to have a strained awkward relationship with him when I just did not like him.
The relief when I became an adult and could cut him out for good was amazing.
You know he's a twat, your son knows he's a twat. There's not much else you can do.

It is to your credit that you want your son to have a relationship with his dad, but let your son be the one to set the pace. If he doesn't want contact, let him have some space - he's old enough to decide. Maybe, just maybe, your ex will have pause for thought why your son doesn't want to see him. (Ignore him blaming you - I still get that from my ex after 6 years and my children are adults now and well old enough to make up their own minds!)

want them to have a relationship
Why the fuck would you want this??

Don't put your DS through anymore trauma with this vile man.
He is not a father in any sense of the word to your DS.

Listen to your DS...He does not want to see him.

He is more than old enough to make his own mind up. Enough is enough.
He has been through and is still being forced to go through even worse times related to his father....rejection after rejection after rejection.

Why are you thinking he can cope with all this stuff?

He needs you and your support and for you to stop forcing him and talking him into a dysfunctional relationship with this awful man.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh OP but IME childhood trauma from this kind of thing lasts a lifetime.

OP - I agree with everyone else.

Your exDP is not a father in any sense of the word.
Do not try to 'make' a relationship between your DS and ExDP in anyway. Your DS has suffered enough, don't make him go through anymore rejection.....

Thanks. I have not pressured DS I guess I just don't want to be in the middle. Safety you ask what I did to ensure DS was safe - ending my relationship as DS as a priority ...

Why do I want them to have a relationship? I don't particularly but DS does and is hurt by this.

DS has decided he doesn't want to see dad as he is happy,

Orange

Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that DS has made his own decision. I hope you and your son will find some peace and be able to move on with your lives

Does your son want you to be here when he speaks to his dad as he is scared of him? Poor child needs protected in this, his dad sounds like a selfish arse

Please consider counselling for your son to help him deal with this