Have been with DH for 12 years now. We have 2 very young dc and moved from his home country to mine just over a year ago. DH suffers from depression which he told me when we first met. However, it was never a problem until our first dc was born. Since then he’s gone gradually down hill and it affects our day to day life. Most of the time things seem normal - especially to everyone else. But I can tell he’s just going through the motions. He very rarely opens up to me but on the rare occasion that he does he says he feels numb to everything and has frequent thoughts of suicide. This worries me especilly as he attempted suicide shortly before we met.
Things have gotten so much worse lately. Work is stressful and we’re doing massive rennivation work to our house. He has stopped speaking to his parents who he had a close relationship with until recently. They frequently try to reach out as they want to see him and dc but he just ignores all texts and calls. Although I don’t get on with them (they don’t like me anymore) I still don’t think they deserve this and worry that in isolating himself he is being self destructive.
To make matters worse i have also been lying to him about something for the last 12 years. I confessed as it’s always been on my conscience and I worried me carrying this burden could have been projecting some of the feelings of distance on to our relationship. It was a secret I kept from everyone (although PIL knew through private detective but have never told him.This is why they don’t like me). He says the lie is not a deal breaker and forgivable (not an affair or involving anyone else) but I can’t help but feel I’ve just made things worse.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I have everything I always wanted on the surface - a beautiful family. But I’m not happy and it’s suffocating. How can I be happy when he’s so desperately sad? I’ve tried encouraging him to get help but he won’t. I feel so lonely. He says he still loves me and the kids but I know he still having these thoughts of ending it all. We still have date nights and our sex life is great so we do get time alone but it doesn’t seem to help. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for in writing this post but if anyone can offer words of wisdom or comfort I would be grateful.