Husband left mid fertility treatment

[Pebbles0702]

Hi
I am looking for some advice/support.
8 weeks ago I came home from work to my DH who completely out of the blue said he didn't love me anymore and that things felt so bad for him he was feeling suicidal. I can't begin to tell you how much of a shock this was - we have been together 6 years, married for 4 and have been TTC since we were married. I have always felt so secure in our relationship, there were no signs that this was coming, up until the day he told me this he had still been telling me how much he loved me and couldn't wait for all the things we had planned together. But when he announced this he just said he didn't feel the same anymore and had been battling with this feeling for months. We have recently been through 6 months of fertility treatment and this has been a very emotional time for us both but he always maintained he wanted kids of his own and that he wanted to keep trying, we were due to start IVF in Sept. He also said that if we couldn't have children it would be fine because we would always have each other and I truly believed that and had started to accept the idea that maybe if it wasn't meant to be for us we would find a different happiness in life together. Now he says he doesn't even want kids at all.

After telling me all this but giving no other explanation other than he didn't love me he stayed for 3 days at the house but completely withdrew from me until I was forced to suggest he take some time away to work out what he wants.

He has been gone 8 weeks now and it's absolutely tearing me apart. He has come round about once a week to 'talk' but keeps saying the same thing which just leaves me devasted again. I have tried to broach the idea that he might be depressed but he says he's not and won't seek any help. He has literally cut off from everything and is living with a work colleague. All he has taken with him is a holdall of stuff and everything else is still at the house. He says he is happier just going to work and the gym and living at his friends. He barely sees his family or regular friends and he just seems to have withdrawn from reality.

I can't process any of this and I just don't know what to do next, I feel completely stuck. If I ask him what he wants to do he says he doesn't know. If I push he just reverts to the robotic answer of I don't love you I'm happier without you. I have told him I can't keep going round in circles and after his last visit it's just been left open, he's not planning to come round again and we've not been in contact. I am convinced he's had some kind of mental breakdown but I just don't know how to help him. I want him to come home so much but he just won't.

Has anyone else been through similar? Is there any chance of this working out? Please help, I'm so fed up and sad, I barely function at the minute and just keep wishing the days away in the hope that time will bring him back to me.

That’s really sad but I’m afraid you can’t make him come back.

Speaking as someone who went through ivf (unsuccessful) I know how stressful it is and it does take its toll on the strongest of relationships. I can see how it could make him feel down and question everything. On the other hand it might not be that particularly. My marriage failed a long time after the ivf for other reasons.

If he genuinely doesn’t love you then I don’t see what you can do. You have told him you still want him and you have been supportive of him.

I think you should put an end to the discussions, stop waiting, let him go and start getting om with your life. It might make him question what he is doing but you shouldn’t do it with the expectation that he will come running back.

Is this work colleague male or female ?

So sorry you’re going through this OP

Thanks for your advice Soulqueen. I'm sorry to hear that your IVF was unsuccessful and also about your marriage. I know I can't make him feel differently and I guess that's the hardest part. The part that really hurts is that he didn't talk to me, he didn't try with me to see if we could work through things, he's just kept it all bottled up and now just says it's over.

JennyHolzersGhost thanks for your reply. The work colleague is male. I have asked whether there is an OW and he says no. There is nothing to suggest otherwise and I guess I can only go off what he's saying but every scenario has crossed my mind, only because this is so out of character and so unexpected. I just don't know.

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid you have your answer from him so it's time to believe what he's saying. Get a solicitor as soon as possible and move on with your life. After the way he has abandoned you, would you really want him back? How could you ever trust him again?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with previous posters that as shocking and out of character as this might be, all you can do is take him at his word and start planning for a full separation and starting a new life.

Even if he magically “switched back” to the man you knew, something is broken now that can’t be repaired. You could never feel emotionally safe and secure with him again.

What support do you have in RL? Can a friend or family member come to stay with you?

Again, I’m so sorry. You must feel just absolutely shattered.

You are being left in limbo.
You need to stop waiting for him and sever ties.
Have you considered continuing IVF without him?

I am not an expert but to me this sounds as if he has depression or something and is not being himself.

Hey, I know this thread was from 2018 but I’m going through something very similar now.
how did you get on? Xx @Pebbles0702