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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont know how to support this (sensitive subject)

11 replies

Maltesers84 · 29/08/2018 18:10

Hi all,

Background, I've had 4 IVF's, a few miscarriages but im lucky that i got my boy in the end. Currently about to embark on a sibling for him.

Anyway, i have a dear friend.. i care very very much for her.
She has a 13 year old boy and has been with her current partner for 11 years (he isnt the father)
Her partner does not have children and is nearing 50.
In recent months, he has expressed a desire to have a child... but has admitted he wasnt 100% sure. A few months ago in the throws of passion, my friend reminded him they wasnt using contraception so he should do the necessary (pull out) he said to go with whatever happens and let nature decide.
Because he was in the throws of it, my friend decided to take the morning after pill as she wasn't confident it was something he definitely wanted.
Anyway, this happened again recently, only he told my friend he DID want to be a father and she reminded him that she was about to ovulate so the were dicing with it if they were to have sex unprotected. He continued and they had unprotected sex a further few times.
Well, she is pregnant and too cut a story short, his response was not what she was expecting nor wanted.
He is now saying that he has holidays planned and was thinking of trying in the spring.. he has suggested a termination as he doesnt seem the right time in their lives. He is suggesting that they can try again when they are ready. He is really playing down the pregnancy, saying its just a bunch of cells etc...
She has expressed that its now or never, that if he was going to do this to her, that she wouldnt put herself in this position again. She feels he has led her down the garden path, which... he has!
So, he has said to her 'well, if your saying its now or never, then i guess its now'

She is completely confused. I feel so mad for her that he has done this.
So, she has only confided in me and tricky.
She is now second guessing his ability to be a father (emotionally) i reminded her that she should have thought of this before getting pregnant, but also that nobody knows what type of parent we are going to be let alone the type of parent our partners will be like, we have to trust our judgement of character.
I told her i think he will step up and i think he is scared, i think he is panicking as it hasnt gone to plan (his plan, timings etc)
But she seems lost on what to do.
I told her that he needs to realise an abortion is not a form of contraception!

So, this is where its at.

Ive told her that i think if she had an abortion that she would regret it and i think that the relationship would be too strained with resentment.
The problem is, i feel too passionate about this, its really upset me. I feel that i wont know how to support her if she has an abortion as i really dont agree with it (i do agree with abortion with the right reasons/circumstances)
Im so sorry if this offends anyone, i just want to do best by my friend with a situation that is sensitive to me.

Any advice would be gratefully received (please be nice)

OP posts:

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 29/08/2018 18:26

I think your friend needs to think very carefully about weather SHE wants another baby.

He sounds like a prick.

Be honest, the reality is she is the one who has to go through with the birth or termination and (by the sound of him) doing most of the parenting if she has the baby - why is she so focused on what HE wants?

No judgment on your friend, whatever she decides to do is going to be helpful here op.

It IS just a bunch of cells right now and your friend is a person with a life, and another child. It's her body her choice. It's not a choice that's easy to make - but it's her's to make. That's what I'd be saying to her if I was her friend anyway. You shouldn't try to influence the outcome.

Rebecca36 · 29/08/2018 18:39

I agree with SmiledWiththeRisingSun.

What an immature 50 year old prat your friend is involved with! Who would want a child with him after all that dithering?

She has a child, sometimes one is enough.

Original poster

Maltesers84 · 29/08/2018 18:46

See, if he was happy when she told him, she admitted she would be happy.
She is 70% (if i put a percentage on it) she wants it, its her baby, she does want it but she worries about being alone in a big city, she knows that having a baby will restrict her lifestyle, of course it will, so she is confused.
Her fella, is being a total prick but he is a good man in all other respects hence why his reaction is so shocking.
Ive said what i should say to my friend, that i will be there whatever she chooses. But what i dont want to do it cloud her judgement or influence it as this is her baby and their decision... i just dont know how to separate my feelings for her and the situation of that makes sense.
I wish i could help

OP posts:

Original poster

Maltesers84 · 29/08/2018 18:48

Rebecca

It could have been enough, before she co conceived, had she of known this. I think her maternal feelings have kicked in already

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/08/2018 20:24

With the greatest respect, your feelings are not important here. If you want to remain friends you'll have to suck it up if you disagree with her decision.

StrippedOfDeposit · 29/08/2018 20:36

He is equally responsible for the conception and his reaction is outrageous. Your friend should go ahead if she wants to - with or without him. I know at least one man who pressured his wife into an abortion because HE didn’t want children... their marriage didn’t end well.

Original poster

Maltesers84 · 29/08/2018 20:50

Of course my feelings are not important, she is and her security in knowing she has a support system there for whatever she decides... im just trying to do this right for her, its just hard because i dont think i quite agree with it (for his actions).
I think she knows if he doesnt want to go through with this, then the relationship is over. I feel so bad for her. How could he do this to her...
I think im going to just listen...
But i will feel terribly sad for her if she decides to terminate... very sad

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 29/08/2018 20:54

It's okay for you not to be able to support her emotionally through this.

I'd say along the lines of "You know I'll support your choice either way, whatever you decide. But because of my struggles with infertility and pregnancy loss, I'm finding it really hard to talk objectively about termination. If you decide to terminate, I will still live you and be your friend, but for my own mental health, I can't be your support person on this particular decision. "

biscuittime · 30/08/2018 09:05

I am sending you hugs, my very close cousin who is a best friend had an abortion because it was an accident and babies father was a nightmare and quite rightly it would of been horrendous for her to be tied to him. but I was devastated and cried so much. I was trying for a baby for 3 years and would of done anything to keep it and even offered to keep it / adopt it.

It's going to be hard for you, but just keep quiet and give her lots of support.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 10:09

Ive told her that i think if she had an abortion that she would regret it
Well what YOU think really doesn't enter into this.
This is HER body and her life and her choice.
The sooner she terminates the better so she needs to make a decision soon.
He sounds like a waste of space to be honest.
He'd be out the door no matter what my decision was regarding the pregnancy.
She needs some headspace with him away from her so she can think clearly.
She is very very likely to be a single parent if she continues.
Not matter what she decides, you can just be there for her.
Just listen to her and let her come to her own decisions.

Original poster

Maltesers84 · 30/08/2018 14:41

Sorry Hells but i have to disagree with you...
Clearly what i think DOES matter or why would she be asking me??
I am not the sort of person that tells people what they want to hear and she knows this.
So, yes, im going to be honest and tell her that there is a high chance she could regret this if she had an abortion based on his initial reaction.

As it stands, her partner is now coming round to the idea, but its left her unsure, betrayed and not trusting his judgement now.
She said to me this morning that she was only doing this for him (i do not believe this) so he needs to make sacrifices if she is going to continue.
I suggested she thinks long and hard if SHE wants this baby as having a baby for your partner isnt perhaps the right grounds to have a baby (some may say).
She is going back to something i said many months ago when my husband didnt want another baby (he does now) i said that nobody should deny the chance of being a parent or have children. But thats just my opinion, it doesnt mean its right.

I have a feeling they wont go through with this, im just going to have to suck it up and be there for my friend. She would do it for me i know... and i think she is going to need it. I feel so bad for her.

OP posts:

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