DH sudden angry outbursts - depression?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Recently DH has had a number of angry outbursts over seemingly trivial things. I am not sure whether to shrug off, worry about him or feel resentful.

Generally he is very chilled but (in his words) "gets furious" about stupid stuff like stubbing his toe, being unable to assemble flatpack furniture, dropping something etc. Never at me or DC, more like a "damn can't believe I just did that" reaction.

But a few times in the last month it has been aimed at me. Today we were in a queue at a coffee shop and I was sorting out baby twins' food at the table. He called over to ask if I wanted some cake. I said yes but then corrected myself as trying to eat more healthily.

The queue wasn't moving and after a bit, I thought , oh sod it, I fancy the cake, I'll just have it. So I went over and said as much.

Him: "it's okay I'll get you the veggie wrap. Just remind me which one it was."

Me: no, it's okay I'll go for cake.

Him: stonily.... Which wrap was it?

Me: I'll have the cake.

Him: quietly sort of hissing: Which. One. Is. It.

People next to us are sort of looking round by now......

This went on for a bit until he bought the cake but he was so angry. For context, we have 3 dc under 4 and DH is struggling with the sleep deprivation.

Would you worry?

Stess, potentially due to the lack of sleep. If unchecked it could develop into a more serious mental health issue.

You need to sit down with him and tell him you are concerned with his uncharacteristic behaviour. Does he have an employee assistance program at work? They can often provide some really good advice on how to help reduce stress even outside of the workspace.

Please try your best to get him to deal with it now. You know he is struggling with his sleep, is there anyway you can allow him to get some decent sleep for a few days?

Hi, neither of us gets much sleep. I am in the spare room with the twins and bf them when they wake. I typically get a block of say 2.5-3 hours followed by "snacky sleeps" of 30-45 mins, maybe an hour here or there.

Dh gets up with our 3yo if she wakes but I often cannot as am feeding the twins. I did let him go to bed early the other night and covered all wake ups but can't do much more than I am.

For some reason he just feels it more than I do!

I feel for the both of you. Have you got any family near by? Someone who could take the three year old for the night? Sleep deprivation is the worst- my youngest didn't sleep for longer than 30 minutes for months on end. I do remember thinking 'so this is what bone tired feels like'. I hope you are okay yourself and (cake aside- though that is essential for bf I find 😉) that you are getting time to get a multivit and a square meal in each day? And your partner? I survived on biscuits for months- didn't do much for my mood. Slow cooker solved that eventually.

I realised that I didn't actually answer your post OP but sleep deprivation sent me around the twist- you can only tinker around the edges in such circs and ensure that you are well fed and get fresh air etc (and find something to laugh at occasionally too). I think because you are both fire fighting all bets are off at the moment. It will pass and life will get easier more quickly than you think. I would get very irritable at the drop of a hat when I was going through the night feeding stage.

Have there been literally no other signs of a temper prior to this?

How is he, for example, behind the wheel of a car? With your 3 YO? With serving staff in restaurants??

Hi OP

Unfortunately our 'stress containers' are all different sizes and a full to different levels. The fact that he is having uncharacterstic angry outbursts suggests his container is full and he is struggling to maintain control. He needs to make some changes now to improve his mental health. As PP has said is there any family that could help out? Are there any other stresses (such as finances or work) that are also contributing?

I'm not sure I can agree with the suggestion to just wait it out as your DH is showing signs of significant stress, not just a bit of irritability.

ohno dh is very non confrontational. He is a very controlled driver, typically drives at 60 on the motorway and I have only once seen him swear at another driver who cut him up dangerously. Hr is v v patient with dd1.

We do have family who help a lot. My mum or DH,'s comes òver 4 days a week to help with bedtime and they recently babysat for us all day so we could have a childfree day. They cannot do much more.

That said, it is not a competition and if he is stressed, he's stressed!

Could be stress, anxiety (so increased need to feel in control) or an agitated depression

Increased irritability and poor sleep or not feeling rested after sleep are some of the common signs of depression.

Can you have a chat with him one afternoon maybe when things are calmish?
Let him know you are a bit worried and want to help if you can?

Would he go and talk it through with GP do you think?

If this is totally out of character then I think you have a chance.

Practically, could you sit him down and just tell him how his behaviour is making you feel? He may well be horrified.