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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Early relationship sex issues - frank discussion!

24 replies

islandmum2 · 29/08/2018 14:08

So wondering if anyone can offer me any pearls of wisdom...
I separated from my husband of 18 years just over a year ago after a protracted and painful breakup. I have two kids in their later teens.
Four months ago I started seeing a guy who I met through a friend. Instant attraction, lots in common, a lovely 'slow burn' seeing each other more and more, getting in deeper and now at the stage where we are about to meet each others kids.
However... the sex has been tricky. Amazing when it works, but about half the time he is having trouble getting and then keeping an erection. Although he's quite happy to pleasure me (awful phrase - sorry!) I can't really get into it if he's not involved.
Does anyone have experience of this? I never have - my husband and all other exes were pretty automatic on that front. I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me, we have a lot of fun kissing and cuddling but feels like an anti-climax when we can't follow through to full sex.
Should I be super worried and should it be a deal breaker for the relationship?
I reiterate, when it's been good it's been VERY good. But that's only been about half the time.
For info, he's 43, fit and in good shape.
Appreciate your thoughts people.

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 29/08/2018 14:31

Thats not normal, he needs to go to the doctors and get checked out. Its almost certainly a medical thing such as high blood pressure etc.

PolytheneSam · 29/08/2018 14:32

Sorry I have no pearls of wisdom, not even pebbles , but hopefully someone will be able to help.

I will also be reading with interest.

Iwantitidontwantit · 29/08/2018 16:18

I had this with my exDP, having never experienced it before. I'll be honest and say it ended up having an absolutely massive impact on my self esteem. He was always very generous in other ways but ultimately I couldn't help feel like it was me causing it, even though he clearly found me attractive. He saw a doctor and there were no physical causes. I genuinely believe that it was overuse of porn...google ED caused my porn overuse. Whilst it didn't cause the break up, it definitely caused big issues. Have you dicussed it with your new partner?

HarmlessChap · 29/08/2018 16:38

ED is not uncommon and nothing to be ashamed of, I suffer with it probably due to a spinal problem.

He needs to speak to his GP who will most likely prescribe viagra or cialis (generic names sildenafil or tadalafil IIRC) both work well.

They both take about an hour to work so bags of time for foreplay!

TooOldForThis67 · 29/08/2018 18:11

I had an ex b/f who had this issue. It used to upset me in the early days. I felt like you, what's the point unless it leads to full sex. Anyway, at my insistence, he went to the docs and had tests - nothing wrong. He was prescribed viagra and it worked. However, it takes away the spontaneity. The cause of his lack of erections seemed to be a lack of sex in his previous relationship and relying on porn. There were other reasons we didn't last and looking back, I don't think I could have stayed with him because of his issue as sex is very important to me.

Rebecca36 · 29/08/2018 18:34

There is more to making love than penetration. If you have the time and the privacy, there's nothing more lovely than spending ages caressing and kissing, enjoying the moment. Feelings are heightened, it seems like endless pleasure and - with no pressure - you might find he does have erections.

People call that Tantric nowadays but I experienced it long before I knew the word.

DrMorbius · 29/08/2018 18:35

Viagra is not always the cure. Once I got my blood pressure (hereditary) under control all went back to normal. No need for any further medication.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 29/08/2018 18:42

If you've only been seeing each other for 4 months the sex should be pretty rampant and frequent, but instead there is already a problem leading to you being unsatisfied in bed. Seriously if its like this now, in the honeymoon-cannot-keep-our-hands-off-each-other period, it is very unlikely to improve if the relationship progresses to the 'comfortable' stage is it?
I get you really like each other but you shouldn't settle for something that will leave you frustrated and disappointed, and at this early stage it isn't your job to arrange doctors etc for him either. Personally I would have to seriously think about calling it a day. Sorry op

saratustra · 29/08/2018 18:53

That doesn't have to be an issue if you don't make one out of it. Some men need to build trust to work in that front - if you're both involved and patient and there's no medical issue, I'm sure it will work. We tend to assume for them it's automatic but sometimes is not, men and women can be complex in sex! Good luck

GladAllOver · 29/08/2018 18:59

Is he on medication? Many prescription drugs affect ability to keep an erection.

NotTheFordType · 29/08/2018 19:10

Have you actually discussed this with him? Has he ever been to the doctor about it? Has he experienced it in previous relationships?

Does it happen most frequently when he puts the condom on? Cos that's an easy fix, he just needs to spend time getting used to the feeling - easiest way is to wank with a condom on every couple of days. Also important it fits right; if he's got 8 inches and he's trying to pack it into a regular Durex it's going to be extremely uncomfortable.

Jsku · 29/08/2018 19:54

OP - it can be so many things - could be medical; could be porn; could also be nerves...

My best friend had it with her now DP if a few years. At the start of their relationship he just couldn’t keep it up for PIV. That went on for a few months... He was about 39.
She didn’t draw attention to it and they did all kinds of other things.
Then, he managed to relax and now she says it’s the best sex of her life. And they’ve been together almost three years by now.

So - i’d say - give it a bit of time. He, most likely, already is worried about it and it doesn’t help the matter.
If you like him and want the relationship to develop - try to not show that it affects you for now.
And see if there is any improvements...

Racecardriver · 29/08/2018 19:56

He needs to see a doctor. There is something wrong.

CaptSkippy · 29/08/2018 19:57

I got the same thing with my boyfriend. I don't care too much and neither does he. We enjoy what we have. Though sometimes I do worry a little that there could be a serious health problem behind it. I will leave it up to him to see a doctor about it, though.

Butterfly44 · 29/08/2018 21:02

Has this happened with past partners/girlfriends? What does he say about it?
I briefly went out with someone very similar. Lovely guy, very sweet to me but when it came to "it" he got nervous and it didn't happen and similar problems. It did factor into the break up if I'm honest, we weren't compatible on a lot of levels. I would say you need to have a frank talk.

Butterfly44 · 29/08/2018 21:06

I also wouldn't meet each other's kids of you've reservations right now. If you were madly in love then it wouldn't bother you as much. But it does bother you which is why you're here. 4 months is a bit too early imo. Take a bit of time...

AnotherRandomMale · 29/08/2018 21:27

Agree with Jsku.

Medical causes are possible, but less likely if its completely intermittent. Good one day / nothing the next plus the fact he is still motivated to have other sexual contact and wants to pleasure you physically, strongly points more to a psychological element IMO.

Original poster

islandmum2 · 30/08/2018 09:11

Thanks all... yes I'm going to take advice of giving it a bit of time - he's just too lovely to let go of unless there's genuinely no hope! And when it's good it's soooo good. Fingers crossed! 🤞

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 09:34

I genuinely believe that it was overuse of porn
Yep, had experience of this too.
I think a discussion is needed.
Do you know if he watches a lot of porn?

toothtruth · 30/08/2018 09:41

It could also just be nerves if the relationship is new. When I got together with my husband he had some instances of this in the first months but that stopped and weve been together 5 years now and its never happened again. He said to me that hes always had issues in the first weeks with new partners because he gets nervous.

Original poster

islandmum2 · 30/08/2018 09:47

Toothtruth I suspect/hope that is the case. It's born out by the fact that when it's gone well has usually been more spontaneous and unplanned.
I take the point of overuse of porn - but we're not really at the stage where I can ask him! If we land up having to have a frank discussion I will do so. Hoping that can be averted!
He's just out of a long and pretty dead marriage. Hoping that these issues are a result rather than a cause of that not working 😬

OP posts:

Iwantitidontwantit · 30/08/2018 09:56

Sadly I don't think it's that uncommon now hellsbellsmelons!

Have you actually had any discussion when it happens islandmum2? My ex had also left a sexless marriage about 5 months before we met, and this is where the porn use came in. It took me quite some time to discuss the ED with him and I think it would have been easier to deal with if we'd both been upfront earlier on. I know it's tricky but if you see a future with him, then getting it all out in the open will be for the best.

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 11:03

If you’re not at a stage where you feel comfortable to ask him whether he watches porn, you’re not at a stage where you should be introducing your children.

He needs medical advice, ED isn’t normal especially not in an otherwise fit and healthy 43 year old.

TeacupTattoo · 30/08/2018 12:29

I think maybe his confidence has been knocked, that plus worry he won't please you can lead to nervous droop in the early stages. My DH had this quite often in the first six months of our relationship but as we clearly became a stronger couple and a long-term relationship and I never dreamt of belittling him/dumping him like a couple of women before me had - the problem disappeared. It's been years now with no issues and we are in our forties. Oh, also, make sure he takes men's multivitamins!

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