How long can you give someone when time isnt on your side

[Mikey88]

Hi
Basically my question is how long do you give someone when you are living on borrowed time .i was diagnosed 15 months ago with a terminal illness . my wife has basically been emotionally absent for 90 percent of that time ,hugs kissing has stopped sex also stopped 4 months ago ,conversation is starting to become hard .she has started to get help after months of me trying to persuade her and i know it will take time but i am worried we wont reconnect as she spends very little time with me ,since i have been diagnosed she has only had 2 evenings out with me and she has had 16 nights out with friends and 8 nights away on her own ,my question is being with her in this current state is affecting me and not helping me stay positive and i think i deserve to be happy in my last bit of my life

She is possibly struggling with your diagnosis. How was your relationship before? Is this ongoing or a new thing since your diagnosis?

What do you want from her?
What do you expect her to do?
What are you doing to help her cope with life after you have gone?
Are you making your life together now, the best that it can be?
Was your relationship strong prior to your diagnosis?

Hi
Yeah it was a good relationship before ‘all my affairs are in order and I have sorted all the legal side and she and the kids will be fine financially ‘I just expected to be trying to enjoy what time I have and make memories ‘I have put her before myself by sending her away to spas overnight on many occasions and looked after the kids to give her space and a rest it’s when you notice some people standing up and doing things for you such as friends you only notice how far away she is from wanting to do anything with me

Hi
Thanks for replying ‘I think it mostly is down to struggling but it’s hard to watch her be her old self with everyone else but with me she is totally different and I don’t think it’s something I want to continue if it continues like this as it is affecting me and will get worse

Have you actually spoken to her? Asked her what’s changed, what she wants, whether she still loves you or wants to separate?

If nothing changes after talking to her I think you just need to go ahead and live your own life.

I think you need to now do what makes you happy. I wouldnt give her any more time at all

I understand it’s very difficult thing for her to face but at the same time it’s just the same for me and I need emotional support everyone does for something like this ‘I need to stay as upbeat as I can but this isn’t helping me and its been like this for 9 months

Maybe she's struggling. I understand making memories for you but that could be hard for her. Growing close to you knowing she'll lose you. Sit and have a Frank discussion with her. I hope it works out in your favour.

You need to put yourself first here. Make memories with your kids, have as much fun as you can, don't let her hold you back.

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through:
Could you have an honest chat with your wife about how she's making you feel?
It's bad enough being ill, but feeling unwanted as well must be awful. My heart goes out to you.

I think you need a very honest chat with her, telling her what you need from her, and asking what she needs from you.

However, I think your feelings trump hers here and if she can't/won't change, then you make the most of the time you have left in whatever other way that you feel is necessary.

Best of luck, OP

Thanks for all the replies mostly telling me what I already know deep down ‘I know I need to live my life and must start to focus on that instead of waiting around as I knew I will regret it ‘it is very sad but at the weekend I was at my best mates wedding on my own and I knew then watching all the other couples interact and being with each other how wrong things are between us

@Mikey88 just sending love, so sorry to hear what you're going through. You sound like an incredibly strong and wonderful man

You shouldn't be dealing with that on top of everything else. I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive, but you are a prime example of better off alone than with the wrong person. (If indeed she isn't doing this as some sort of defence mechanism, which I hope is the case). Better to be alone, than pitied or resented at a time like this.

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted ‘any honest feedback is good and thanks for taking time out to respond to me.i know a big part of me knows it’s wrong as my friends and colleagues have mentioned the same thing as maybe alone I will be stronger ‘I just thought when I was diagnosed I would be having time together and nights away meals out etc but in truth it’s been the opposite

Mikey sorry about your diagnosis and how you are feeling, I can't imagine how that feels as I have never had that diagnosis, but I have had many family members die of temrinal illnesses and I am also a nurse. My advice, having nursed many patients in their terminal illness, say how you are feeling. Communicate, if you talk and tell her how you are feeling it might improve things and give her the realisation she needs. Sounds to me like she could be in denial.

If she isn't and she is not behaving in the nicest way, surround yourself with everyone you can, and live. Sorry if that sounds patronising, its short, don't live out the rest of your life questioning what is going on. Address it.

x