My mother

[ShadowsInTheDarkness]

I have posted many times before on the stately homes threads but right now I just need a fresh space to vent. I am just so angry.

So my mother and I have a strained relationship. She has behaved in the past, in ways which I have found incredibly hard to put behind me. I have made the effort to leave the past in the past.

I got married a few weeks ago. It was really low key, big garden party type affair. We live in a touristy area so parents booked a 2 week holiday in this area around the date of the wedding.

I didnt have a hen night but had said to her that it would mean so much to me if we could meet up for dinner at a time convenient to her before the wedding. I also said that if this didnt work for her that we would drive over and spend the day together with the children (her grandchildren).

I mentioned this several times leading up to the wedding and she was vague about their plans. Once they were in the area I messaged to say I hoped the journey up had been ok. A few messages were exchanged over the first week and DHs family also arrived in the area as they had also booked a holiday but just for 1 week rather than 2.

Wedding got closer and we had friends and DHs family dropping round daily helping out. It was really lovely, everyone together, lots of big everyone squashed around the table type dinners at the end of each day. I said to mum several times that it would be so nice to see them and didnt hear anything back. I realised the day before the wedding that I wasnt actually going to see my mum until the actual wedding which upset me a bit.

Got to the day of the wedding and we arrived at the registry office. Everyone was waiting outside for us except for my parents. They turned up 10 minutes late. My mum was wearing black and stepdad and brother hawain shirts. They sat at the back and on the far end. Back at the garden party they kept to themselves, left early and most of the other guests had no idea my mum had even been at the wedding and DH said she didnt actually speak to him at all.

Since then Ive had one arsey message asking why I havent acknowledged the wedding present they gave us (2 cheap clear plastic candlesticks).

I am feeling so incredibly hurt and angry. I know she is generally shit but I really thought that on a special occasion she might be a bit less shit. I managed to avoid any photos with just me and her as I was struggling to prevent her from ruining what was otherwise a lovely day. I just feel like this confirms that she doesnt actually care about me or like me very much. Im embarassed as DHs parents are lovely and couldnt understand why she was behaving like it was a distant relatives wedding rather than her daughter.

I am loathe to go no contact because it will affect my relationships with the rest of the family (who are lovely). I am sorry this is long. I just needed to get it down somewhere.

Argh my phone has deleted all the paragraphs!!!

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I can understand why you're so upset particularly with something so special as your wedding. I've found that my family members who are like this don't change. All you can change are your expectations and how you deal/cope with them. I'd just go low contact.

If anyone should be embarrassed here it should be your so called mother wearing black and her enabler family members who showed up wearing Hawaiian shirts to your wedding day. I would get rid of their cheap and tacky gift if you have not already done so. That item also sends a clear message to you as to how little she thinks of you all.

You also sadly seemed mired in your own FOG re your mother.
Unfortunately your mother has not changed fundamentally since your own childhood and she will not do so either. Also I could have told you in advance that she was not going to act less shit just because it was your wedding day (as reading on further showed).

What are your boundaries like with regards to your mother?. They seem to have been far too low to date and she has and will continue to pooh pooh any and all boundaries you care to set her. Its also not your fault she is the ways she is, you did not make her that way.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not. Your mother and her enabler family members are no different.
I would stop seeking her approval; for instance you are still trying to do this by inviting her out to dinner. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt properly through counselling if necessary and whatever you do find a therapist who has no familial bias about keeping families together. With toxic people like your mother with her enablers of her H and your brother it does not work and their actions at your wedding were nothing short of despicable though absolutely typical for such disordered of thinking people.

If the rest of your family are actually worth bothering with and actually about they won't care that you have gone low to no contact with your mother and her enablers. Its not their business in any case what you do re your relationship with your mother and they haven't had to live with her like you have done.

Let yourself see how lovely your family relations actually are if you choose to go low or no contact with your mother; the ones that will mind do not matter and the ones that matter do not mind.