Tell me about the practicalities of separating with kids

[theboxofdelights]

My marriage is ending. I am staying in our home. H will obviously see DD but I don't particularly want him in my home. I wouldn't trust him not to a) take the odd thing that he might feel entitled to, b) snoop and think that he is entitled to know anything about my future existence. Plus I need a break from him to get over everything, I want my life back.

He will be difficult.

He won't live where we do now (ten miles away) so will essentially be visiting our town to see her on school nights, I am presuming that he will want to see her on a school night.

He might not have a car (his choice) so he will travel by public transport. He asked if I will keep him on the car insurance, my response was that if you won't be paying for the car you won't be driving it - reality of life imo and if he damages it I will end up paying for it.

I don't want to see him once he leaves and really don't want him in my home but I don't want to be awkward if it is bad for DD. Should I be getting over myself and allowing him into my home? I don't know.

Autumn/winter is coming and I can't get my head around what they will do/where they will go on a school night if it isn't here.

Can someone help me to understand how this might work in reality.

The reality is it won't work. He will end up taking her at weekends as the potential weeknight arrangement simply isn't sustainable. Do NOT have him in your house. My ex was awful but I put my foot down after I came home from work one day to find him in the house. I could change the locks as it was a joint mortgage but I did insist in getting his keys then and there. I hate to say this but this will get worse before it gets better. However set your stall out now and he will get used to it sooner rather than later. Midweek he'll need to buy or car or FaceTime

And I'm sorry that you're so hurt but you have made the right decision. It does get better. I'm 5 years down the line and life is a million times bette!

Thanks for replying . I will be changing the locks, joint mortgage or not. I wouldn't trust him not to come to the house when I am not here.

I will be asking him to move all his stuff into the garage then he doesn't have to get it all out at once but I want him and his stuff removed from our home.

I want what is best for DD as much as possible, she is 12. A couple of nights a month I work until 8-9pm. If he wasn't who he is it would be a great opportunity for them to be together but I just don't want him in my home.

Listen I totally understand. My ex used to drive miles to the house and sit outside. He hacked into my emails, my phone records and all in online stuff (including mn) and plundered through my life in every way. He'd unexpectedly drop stuff off for the kids but wouldn't let me know he's been (would close the outer door to the house rather than knock and acknowledge he'd left the items). He was living 50 mikes away at the time so it was spectacularly creepy. I felt stalked. When he did have the kids he'd stay in a bnb in our village and keep tabs on the house then too. He demanded all
Sorts of stuff from the family home and when he did have the chance to move all his stuff out, he made such a song and dance about it I felt like calling the police. He hated me for making him leave. He still hates me. It was horrible then, and I don't care one bit now. Good luck OP x

Could you sell the house if you want a real fresh start?

No I definitely can't sell Pottering.

We only moved a few months ago, much of the cash was a gift from my family. H is named on the deeds and the mortgage but recognises (in writing) that he has very little if any claim on the house. I will be removing him asap.

It is in a perfect location for high school which gives DD freedom she has never had.

Sympathies OP, I've not long separated in similar circs. stbxh is still coming and going as he pleases and while I was on holiday he stayed (slept ) in the house. I've encouraged him to have weeknight overnights but he insists on coming over to look after the children at the house instead - says it's the children's preference because WiFi here

I'd definitely encourage you to change the locks as I'm hating this. I haven't got any privacy.

I would really struggle to put up with it never but might just about stomach it if I thought it was best for DD and everyone told me that.

I really really don't want him in the house when I am not here.

I also still feel very hurt, he could have fixed this but he clearly didn't want to so I would prefer never to see him again right now (although I realise that is not entirely possible).

I need some space and distance.

I'm having to put up with it because the children's schools are nearby and I regularly work late (too late for childcare to cover) but it's not workable longer term. Because I hate it. I'm hoping to move house in a year or two and don't plan on him having a key then but I expect my older child will have one so he's likely to get himself a copy.

Realistically though, in time I'm going to want more privacy back. I might want to date someone god forbid and I just don't want him here.

Really sorry Never, I hope I didn't come across as criticising your arrangement. I get it all .

Of course it would be nicer if I could allow H to be in my home, so that on the nights I worked late he could come round and watch a film with DD, imagine it, winter night, home made food, cosy film ... but that isn't the reality of me and him as divorced parents. I wish I could trust him to be in the house as I am sure it would be better for DD.

I intend to get the locks changed with the barrel that you can't just get a key cut for (am sure I have heard that this is a thing but haven't looked into it yet).

I should have said that I wish I could trust him to be in the house as I am sure it would be better for DD, I wish I didn't feel like I never wanted to see him again because I am sure it would be better for DD and I wish that I didn't feel so hurt and let down and felt detached from all the hideous emotional fallout because that would be better for both me and DD.

No criticism inferred, it's crap isn't it.

Ladies, what about an au pair for your childcare issues? If you have a spare room they're a great idea. Thy saved me. A fortune gave me some real freedom. Better to have an effective stranger in your house than a human you loathe...

I don’t want an au pair surly, my sister has one and it works really well for her but I want to be there for DD, she is just 12, she needs her mum emotionally much more than she would have done if this was happening six/seven years ago.

She is a lovely girl, fairly sensitive. We are really close and I think the best thing I can do to help her is be there, of course she will be sad at times because her dad is leaving (even if he is difficult he is her dad and I want him to be involved, just not in my space).

Selfishly, I also don’t want to be responsible for another young person!

My job is generally as flexible as I need it to be (a couple of late nights a month aside). I can leave at 4pm and be home a few minutes after DD and carry on working at home in the evening when I need to.

I really feel for you. Once he's out, keep him out. No joint anything - car insurance included. You might be better to pack up all his stuff yourself to speed up the process. Does it have to go in your garage? Perhaps a storage unit which he is responsible for so that there is no excuse for him coming to the house to retrieve his property. Divorcing a difficult person is a real pain. Good luck.