Hi everyone long term poster but have namechanged.
I’m feeling very worn down and completely exhusted by my ex and his poor mental health. Sorry for the long post but I can’t speak to anyone in real life and I need advice.
Back story is - with ex since I was very young (16). Ex displayed what I would now call red flags right from the beginning ie possessive, over drinking, emotional abuse. Confined in me that he had been sexually abused as a child. The sexual abuse was horrific, rape, drugged etc. The preparator was convicted and sent to prison (before I met ex). Ex did not receive any counselling and his family (who are all pretty toxic to be honest) swept it under the rug. Despite him clearly showing signs of distress ie bed wetting, nightmares etc.
We had kids bought a house etc. Ex’s behaviour became increasingly worse. Would disappear for days drinking with friends, would throw things around the house if arguments developed. Was occasionally violent (he never beat me, more of a push or hair pull sort of violence). Looking back I would say his bad behaviour came in episodes which I now know to be depressive episodes.
He always worked and when he was going through periods of good mental health he was a good dad. When his mental health was bad, he would leave me to do absolutely everything in the house and with the children. I always took responsibility for bills organising children etc.
Examples of his behaviour include, booking a trip to LA with a friend two weeks before Christmas when I asked him not to. Pulling a door of the hinges in a rage. Disappearing with the car when he knew I needed it to take the children to school. Claiming the car was ‘his’ so much that I actually bought my own. Threatening to harm himself etc. Shoving a sandwich in my face. Pulling my hair when I pulled bed covers off him, after he had been in bed for two weeks. There is a realistic chance he has cheated on me, going by a remark made by one of his friends and the fact he has spent many nights out of the house.
Ex’s mental health got so bad that he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital as a voluntary patient. Was placed on medication and received CBT therapy. Mental health improved for a few years although he still had quite toxic tendencies for example didn’t like me going out with friends, would scream and shout if arguments developed.
About 5/6 years ago his behaviour worsened again. I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t love him anymore. I was scared to tell him and thought I should just carry on until the children were older. His behaviour became more and more erratic and he was sectioned. I tried to support him, went to meetings at the hospital, told him things would improve, kept everything going at home. For around two years he was in and out of hospital continuously, diagnosed with PTSD, personality disorder and depression. Hospital were pretty useless, to be honest I think the doctor got sick of his behaviour. In the end I couldn’t cope and I told him we had to split. He went to live in an other house that we own. Wasn’t working, didn’t help with the children etc. I done everything, and helped him, took him to appointments, filled out benefit claim forms. Invited him to things with the kids even though he showed little interest. His behaviour then improved again, he began working, helping out more. That lasted about a year before he went down hill again, which resulted in him being sectioned again. I helped as much as I could, he began telling me he was ready to die and said he had it all planned. I went with him to the doctor who wasn’t particularly helpful. In the end I was so worried about him that I said he could move back into the family home until he was back on his feet. I told him the conditions were that he got up every morning (he will lie in bed for days when depressed) and he took his medication (he regularly stops taking it when he thinks he’s better). All was well for a few months, he pulled his weight, got a job and was doing well. However, since Christmas his mental state has been very up and down. He’s stopped taking his medication and things have got steadily worse. I want him to leave, he’s making me and the children miserable. I feel like my life is on hold, we’ve been separated for years now but I’m too scared to start dating in case I upset him and he harms himself or something. I’m too scared to ask him to leave, even though he has somewhere to stay.
I feel totally responsible for him. His family are useless and offer no help. I know deep down I am not responsible for his mental health, he has decided to stop taking his medication and he has not chased up any counselling. He is not trying to stay well himself. I’m definitely not in love with him, in fact I can’t think of anything worse than being in a relationship with him. The children are now teenagers and have no time for him, after the way he’s acted around them. He’s treated me like absolute sh*t for years, but I just can’t seem to shake of the feeling of responsibility to him. I’m absolutely terrified he will harm himself or something, but I can’t continue to live like this. Today he lay in bed until around 1pm and has been out since, I don’t know where he is. If I phone him he is likely to be abusive. The last week or so when he has got out of bed (he sleeps in a spare room by the way) he hadn’t spoken to me or the children. He took one of the kids to an activity last week and moaned the whole way there about the cost of petrol and the time it took.
Please help me see I can’t help someone that doesn’t appear to want to help himself.