Worried about sis in her relationship...

[archiesmummy]

Hi,
I feel a bit bad about posting here as so many posts are so serious, but not sure where else this belongs, it is about relationships.
Just wondering if anyone else thinks this is a bit wrong?

My sisters DP won't put her on his insurance. She sold her car when she started mat leave coz she doesn't want to "live off him".
The silly thing is that she has lots of no claims as she's been driving for years and he only got licence a few months back so the insurance would be cheaper with her on it.

The car's over 10 years old so that's not the reason.

I'm not interfering in her relationship, but I just wanted to know what you all think.

It worries me because sis and baby are a bit stuck and I have to go and get her or she has to walk a long way as they live a bit in the middle of nowhere.
Please don't tell me to mind my own business I'm just worried about my little sis...

And I just remembered, in the beginning she actually was on his insurance and once asked to borrow the car when he replied that she had to pay him for the petrol. No need to mention that she doesn't have any money to spare so she wasn't allowed to take the car.
He also won't drive her to see me, even if he is going out himself because it's out of his way and costs too much (honestly takes about 20 minutes at most).
Neither will he give her money to top up her mobile when her credit runs out.

This is not normal is it?

hi am i won't tell you to bugger off

seriously i thnk he is being rather selfish,

why did she sellher car when it seems it was the only bit of independence she had?

i feel for your sis

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

Oh thank you fransmom, I was really worried someone was gonna tell me to get lost and stop interfering.

She could't afford to keep the car on the mat pay she gets. They have separate economy even though they have a baby together..

I'd be worried too tbh if this was my sister. It almost sounds to me, and i could be way off track, that he's trying to keep her at the house so she doesn't see anyone? Is he controlling in any other aspects of their relationship? Or is it only this that you've noticed.

No, I think you are right thelittleElf.
I have always thought him to be controlling but sis claims he is not.

She has no input in what they do or anything else.
A few little "silly" examples:
She wasn't allowed to put her pictures on the walls because he thought the ones he had where enough. She is not allowed to hang her towel on the towel rail because that is where his towel hangs and she can hang hers on the back of the bathroom door

Since they met she has fitted her life around him and he doesn't do the same for her.

She sounds like she'd be better off without him - he sounds like a horribly controlling man.

However - my sis is with someone who I also think is controlling (although in a completely different way) and I know now that after 10+ years together, she'd rather have him than be on her own - which is more of a longstanding issue of her self-esteem rather than him being controlling. Have now decided that it's none of my business - even though I don't like him.

I'd try and talk to her about it in a very unobvious way and see how she reacts. She may need some help to get out of this situation. Does he love her? He clearly doesn't respect her. I hope she's OK.

Good luck x

Personally I don't think you can love someone if you don't respect them 3flightsofstairs. And same as you, I don't like him.
But I think she has her issues. She has always been "the boss" in her previous relationships, so I think this felt nice in the beginning.
She seems to think that he is just a bit of a cheapskate and that he sometimes get a bit grumpy (read whenever anything doesn't go his way).
I mean, when our mum came over (lives abroad) to visit new baby we all 3 (me, sis and mum I mean) spent the days together (just 3 days) and her DP got upset and made her cry on the phone bacause we didn't think to ask him to join us on his day off. FGS we see each other so rarely and we didn't even think to ask him to come.

I try to ask questions without judging but it is hard hearing your, normally so strong, sister say that she is not allowed to put what she wants on the walls. or that she can't make a call for a couple of weeks coz she has no credit..

Anyway I'm glad it's not just me. I realise it's difficult to do anything about unless sis starts to realise it herself, but now at least I can try to open her eyes in a gentle way.

Thanx for listening, I'm off to try to get some sleep before DS wakes up in probably not to many hours..

hope everything ok today archiesmummy

Yes, thank you fransmom.

It often helps just writing about these things I find. You get to say what you think without hurting someones elses feelings.

I think there is not anything anyone else can do apart from supporting and waiting to see how things will evolve, so I will keep on doing that.

Thanx

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

So basically she's being 'allowed' to live as a guest in his house, wouldn't be surprised to discover she's paying him rent!

It's not 'living off him' to share the funds, particularly when she is on maternity leave looking after his child. Bear in mind my dh is chronically ill and so I have been more or less supporting him for years; it would never even occur to me to do anything as ludicrous as charge him for petrol or refuse to top up his phone, or not put him on the insurance. That's stupid and immature and controlling.

If you can afford it, one practical thing you could do would be to send her top up vouchers for the mobile, but surely she is 'allowed' to make calls on the home phone?

[Notes to self: have clearly been far too easygoing on dh all this time!]

doesn't sound stupid or petty at all. He sounds weird and horrible, and I'd hate to think of someone I knew, let alone loved, living under these circumstances. Does she actually seem happy with him? Bloody telling her where she can put her towel

I had a partner like that (I was repeating patterns): he wouldn't buy me food, he wouldn't let me put any of my things out of boxes and most of my stuff was in the garage. The point is that he was completely controlling. He also got into huge moods when things weren't going his way.

When I started to work through things in my past and started to get out more and have a life, I came home one day to find the house up for sale !!! (which I jointly owned by the way - though it felt as if I was a guest).

The point is that his methods were very subtle - and when i started to call his bluff he was absolutely furious. It took me a long time before I realised that he was quite so bad.

Good luck to your sis!

Spot on tribpot, and yep she is paying half his bills (or was until mat leave).

Agree about sharing - my DH would never let me go without credit or anything else, and the same for me, but we have always had a "sort of joint economy" (not shared accounts, but whoever has money pays).

LOL about being far too easygoing with DP .

hannah11, earnest & fransmom thanx for all support.
Hannah sorry you went through similar, glad to hear you got out the other side, no doubt a stronger happier person!??

Have informed dh that from now on his towel lives in the garage and he is to phone me every day to ask permission to take my car to the station to pick me up (I haven't really but if I did his response would be: eh? I live here too!)

So she paid half of their bills (not his) but now cannot because of the entirely unreasonable aspect of being on maternity leave ... I assume that if he got sick and was unable to work the shoe would be on the other foot and she could withhold credit on his mobile? He sounds like a right charmer, and not alone if MN is anything to go by. I am constantly astounded by reading of people whose partners feel that by being on mat leave they are somehow 'letting the side down' because they can't 'pay their way'.

My sis was having probs with her dp i was supportive towards her when i had her dd all day every day for two weeks (she 8mo my own dd 11mo) I brought dbl stroller everything didnt say no when she asked i had it thrown in my face now she back with him i havent seen her since nor my neice, she also said no when i asked her too watch my dd whilst i had my tooth extracted! arrggghh! I would tell your sis your concerned an leave it at that good luck

thanks - yes in the end it forced me to face up to why I was in that situation and allowing it to continue - so I got more help and started to work through my past. So yes, it was a good thing in the end - especially as he wanted to make a second go of things and I just got my friends round and moved out to a new place - with him on the phone to his mother - so I was having an argument with both of them - as I moved out!

In the end though I had to make the decision myself - no one made it for me, so I think you just have to be around and hope that your sister realises she deserves to be treated better

hugs

Hannah

She needs to see sense and put her foot down and I think wanting what is best for her DS will eventually get her there (or I can at least hope).

Good for you hannah11, and yes I know you are right about just being there to support either way.

Archiesmummy

I feel for your sister; she is trapped in a controlling relationship and she likely feels there is no way out. Well there is but she has to find it within her to leave him. She likely feels also that with her good influence she can change him for the better; a forlorn hope with controllers. Controllers are very good at what they do and this is learnt behaviour often from childhood. Its not easy to get out and such people do not let go of their victims easily. My friend was in such a controlling relationship (she was not allowed to drive her own car for one thing) and it took her 8 years to get out.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and if you can give a copy of it to your sister. Its all about controlling relationships. The other thing you can do is to be unwavering in your support.