Is this acceptable ?

[Powpow007l]

Hi I really would appreciate any advice on this. I am expecting first baby and am 30 years old. I went away with my mother for a couple of days and she made comments which I found cruel and upsetting. She asked me if I had brushed my hair in the morning ( I had but it was a casual pony tail ). She then went on to say oh sorry I'm just used to the girls at work looking immaculate when they come in.. obviously this really upset me as I felt inferior to those girls. She went on to justify it by saying no I just mean there pony tails are really neat and brushed back but yours looked unkept and like you had just got out of bed. I have had nasty comments like this most of my life and she doesn't seem to think she does anything wrong .. in fact when I challenged her about it she started to say i has caused her to know have unhappy memories of the place where we were . I just don't know whether it's my hormones or whether this is genuinely cruel comment to make ? Thank you in advance.

On that comment alone it's hard to get a picture of whether she is cruel I'm afraid op.
Also depends on the dynamics of your relationship. My mother wouldn't comment on my hair for example, but my best friend probably would.

I know it is hard .. I have had many comments throughout my life so for me it's like adding another book to the book shelf .. she conveniently forgets making the comments meanwhile I have it in the back of my mind that she thinks I have a big nose .. wear my worst clothes when meeting up with family .. my outfit doesn't look right etc I appreciate these we're years ago and although she does balance it out with kindness and compliments I still am lacking in self esteem and blame her for a lot for that.

mums can be cruel. I had only been with mine for half a day and she told I was fat, the shirt I had on was to young for me and that my hair needed cutting. We only went food shopping

@mrsaxlerose it's hard isn't it. I am way too sensitive and self conscious but can't really change who I am.

eve decided its an age thing. they have no filter as they get older. Plus I think they are so comfortable with us that they feel they are saying it out of love . If I confront mine she just say "oh I didn't mean it like that, I only say it cause I love you". Sometimes I mirror her just to show her how hurtful it is. That works. Don't let her get you down.

Sounds like your mum is trying to “put you in your place” ie reminding you she is queen bee.

My mum’s opening line every time I saw her after leaving home was “gosh, you’ve put on weight” even after a bout of salmonella poisoning.

You might find your mum is feeling a teeny bit jealous. You are younger than her, in your prime, more beautiful, expecting a baby, more likely to be the centre of attention, with doctors and health visitors making a fuss of you, likely to be having a year off and your mum will probably never do any of these things again.

Just try to ignore it. Congratulations.

From the limited example you give (with no idea of the backstory), you sound over-sensitive whereas your mum sounds a bit tactless (but then family often is). She basically said your hair was a mess. But why do you care? You weren't going to work or a job interview etc so why does it matter? I would've just laughed and thought imagine how much worse my hairstyles will look AFTER the baby is born.

My parents are the same. Growing up my father was constantly telling me "you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards" as I was going out on a Sat night. I'd just laugh and say "it's fashion Dad". I certainly never thought he was being cruel.

Is there a back story to this?

@HundredMilesAnHour I think it was more the direct comparison to the " immaculate girls in the office " it just made me feel inadequate. Yes complicated relationship to be honest and I blame her for the loss of my father ( they had a very difficult relationship and I know for certain the stress contributed to his death). It's all abit messy.

Sounds horribly complicated and very emotional so I'm sorry you're in this position. Without this 'background', her comment wasn't so bad. But it sounds understandable that you might be upset given the history you allude to.

I think the best way to deal with it is to try to ignore her comments. And don't get into disputes about them like you did as it sounds like you end up upsetting each other even more then and just making things worse. Easier said than done I but....

So the girls in the office look immaculate? Maybe they have nothing to do with their lives and all they think about is superficial looks. Maybe they were raised that women had to look 'pretty' and now they spend every day hating themselves because they don't think they look attractive or immaculate enough. Maybe all they really want is to have a baby (like you're doing!). They probably have their own baggage so I really wouldn't waste your time feeling inadequate to them.

You can't change your mother and her comments. But you can change how you react to them. Know your worth OP. Know it and believe it.

It's none of your mother's business how you choose to wear your hair. You are 30 years old for heaven's sake. My 21 year old DD is very scruffy - it's her style and I just have to accept it, just as my mum had to when I used to go out wearing the dog's collar (literally) and a belted lab coat. When DD was at school I kept a hairbrush by the front door and every morning we had the same "brush your hair Cherry jnr" conversation, but once she left school I never mentioned it again. I think your mum is probably frustrated with your casual style but that's her problem not yours, and I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you with her comments, just nudge you to smarten up. Just say "none of your business mum" if she makes similar comments in future. My DH is very casual when not at work which I know frustrates his parents enormously. One birthday, in his 40's, they actually bought him some comfy slacks, a double breasted navy blazer with brass buttons, a pink shirt and a stripey tie, which we joked was his Terry Wogan fancy dress. He never wore any of it.

I wouldn't dare criticise my dc !