Nephew off the rails. Desperate situation

[ChipsNotDaddy]

Hi everyone. I am a long term member but have name changed and altered some bits because I think my Sister (DN's mum) is on here or may be shortly.

My DN is 19 years of age, he has always been such a loving, respectful and extremely caring and sensitive boy.

About a year ago he broke up with his GF - they had been together for years and he was obviously upset.

A lot of things have happened since then, he went off with an older woman who fell pregnant and subsequently miscarried at 9 weeks.

It was from that point that he started trying out drugs. Weed.

We have recently discovered that he is not just on weed, he is on Ketamine, Ecstasy and Cocaine.

He was locked up for drink driving last night and has been banned from driving. He also had drugs in his system.

There are a lot of stories coming out now which I can't put on here in case it is outing.

We just don't know what to do. His DM accessed his FB messages and we can not believe the way he he has been acting. Sharing half naked photos to his friends of girls he has been sleeping with, and speaking about these girls in the most disrespectful way you could imagine.

His DM knows she was wrong to delve into his messages but by doing so we have learnt that he has put his 11 year old sister in a dangerous situation and this is unforgivable.

In one breath he is saying he has nothing to live for and life is shit, but then he is just being angry, telling us to fuck off.

He wont admit he needs help, what do we do?

The family is being torn apart, our elderly mother is ill with worry and he just doesn't care.

Do we do tough love, do we support him or do we let him find his own way?

He has a good job but for how long, who knows.

Has anyone else experienced this?

I dont have children and have room for him to stay with me but am I asking for trouble? He is a liar and has stolen hundreds of pounds from his father. Not to mention he is up to his eyeballs in payday loans (all used for drugs i would imagine).

His brother and sister are watching him and are disgusted. But we are all so upset because he used to be wonderful.

Do we pay for him to go to rehab?

Sorry but we are desperate and any advice would be appreciated.

Let your sister deal with it

honestly as an aunt, I would stay well away, it is not your problem.
No to having him to stay, no to paying for private rehab.
He is an adult.
Why are you all so involved with his life?
Frankly it would send me to drugs, too.

He is an adult. The Priority here is the 11 year old child he has endangered, what is being done to protect her.

The messages should be handed to the police, he sounds like a sex offender. Those poor women and girls, do they know pictures of them are being distributed? That is a criminal offence.

Frankly it would send me to drugs, too

Nice

Because we are a very close family. I care about my DSis and my DM who is seriously ill with worry. So therefore I would say it is my duty to help come up with a resolution

I never understand why people are surprised when parents and family are involved in their 18/19 year old children’s lives!! Especially when they still live with them.

OP it sounds like you are a close family and I understand you wanting to help. However, I would be very wary of having him in your home in his present condition. You can’t force him to change - only he can do that.

Is he still a danger to his sister? Obviously she has to be protected.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this

If you go into it with your eyes wide open I don't see anything wrong with letting him live with you for a while. Are you strong enough for tough love though? It would only have any chance of success if he agrees to come live with you and abide by your rules ie no drugs, drug taking friends, etc in the house, ever, chores, etc. And that you hold the line

He's an adult. I would honestly, as either a parent or a close relative, make him own his own fuck ups. No bail outs. No money. No cooshty living arrangements. Nada, he's made his bed let him lie in it.

The only person you can help is your own self here and I would read up further on addiction and enabling behaviours.

I would not let him live with you under any circumstances, what would that achieve other than having a lot of trouble i.e. him in your home. It is not your duty either OP to come up with a resolution. Anyone who enables this young man is not helping him; enabling too only gives someone as well a false sense of control.

There is a fine line between enabling someone and helping them and with all due respect none of you are at all remotely qualified here to help him. He does not want your help and support.

HE has to want to decide for his own self to seek help and there is nothing any family members can do to hasten that process. Putting him into rehab now would be a waste of funds; he does not want it and no decent rehab facility would want to take him because he does not want their support.

I am worried that if he gets kicked out, it will spiral further.

Sometimes you just have to stand back and let matters take their course. If and when he wants to change his path and asks for help, that is the time to respond.

Its already spiralled and it will continue to do so unless he himself decides to get help of his own volition. I repeat, there is nothing you can yourself do to help him. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

No bail outs. No money. No cooshty living arrangements. Nada, he's made his bed let him lie in it
That's easy to say but not easy to do.
If this was my DD or my DN I'd be doing what I could as well.
Is he open to rehab?
That is a decision he needs to make before you commit to it.
Would he agree to some intense therapy / counselling?
The sad truth here is, if he is not willing then there is very little you can do other than be there when he's ready.

Tough love from you people is necessary here and you need firm and consistent boundaries. You cannot make a person seek help if they do not want it. You cannot rescue and or save someone who may ultimately not want to be saved.

Rehab places are scarce and they will want to see he is serious about addressing his drug use properly.