Getting over betrayal

[Backstronger]

How have you got over a relationship in which someone betrayed you very badly? How long did it take to get over it? Can you recommend any thing that helped.

Not researching for anything. I'm asking for myself. I just don't want the past to control or effect my future but I find my mind is occupied so much with anger, hurt, confusion and regret. I'm one year on. Much stronger and getting better every day but inside I feel deeply wounded and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

Owwww its so hard. I feel moments like that and its years after but after quite a long time I realised that persons actions and how they behaved towards me, are a reflection of thier character and I need to remember I am kind / nice etc all those things and not let them drag me down.

Its much much easier said than done and it can feel like an impossible task but you will get there.

I started to do things I had stopped doing like the gym and reading and stuff. I also quit social media totally as I thought it was making everything so much worse.

Not sure if that helps any, I hope it does. You can always rant on here!

Are you still together.
It's very hard to get over a betrayal.
It's certainly changed me long-term.
I think it's easier if they are not in your 'space' every day.
Having them there reminds you all of time of what they did.
Reminds you that they hurt you badly and have basically changed.
For the worse.
I couldn't get over it.
Some couples can.
If you are together, have you had counselling?

No we are not together thankfully. I have no direct contact but unfortunately because of dc I still have to hear about them and ow. I find it really difficult to not let my negative feelings towards them leak out to kids. My dc are still young so I'm not sure how to explain or whether I should explain. I feel sometimes like they benefit from everyone's maturity and desire to put the kids first. Like we all hide their filthy lies but at the end of the day I don't want my children's self esteem or worth to be impacted. I also don't want to teach them to hate and their is no benefit to them to know this.

I have been developing myself and blocked completely this person out of my life which has helped me to heal immensely. But it's almost like this shame that I believed this lie for so long and wondering if any of it was even real.

Hi there, I can hear from your words how dawn hard this has been for you. You were pouring your all into him and all of sudden you got punched in the back of the head when you weren't looking and kicked when you were down.
If you can see him more clearly it will help you understand some more, you feel ashamed for being such a fool for not knowing sooner right.
Well know the betrayal/infidelity/lies/drugs/alcohol abuse/paracetamol/anger/blame/withdraw etc are all forms of pain relief. Some have much worse consciences than others, but when someone is in pain they will stop at nothing until they find a sufficient pain relief, when they do this they are almost never sane or thinking about the effect of the choices gent are making on those around them. Your ex was and still will be suffering from emotional pain that was there way before you came on the scene, it's really not your fault. You perhaps did contribute to his pain during your relationship, you are not the primary cause. People can hide their addictions and their pain so well we are at times clueless to describe them and their choices.
Right now his current partner is the most effective form of pain relief he can find, they don't realise how they are using each other for the same thing. So even if they appear happy just let they go you don't really know, genuine happiness is not common.
Finally what can you do, you get to share the shame you feel with people that won't judge you, don't let them say nice things just share how you feel and ask them to accept you.
Go to Ted talks and find Bernie Brown she has some great talks and one on shame I believe (found it)
www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/up-next?language=en
Know that the most wonderful gift you can give your kids is for YOU to be happy, not pretend happy, your kids can smell the truth, it's so kind of you to not let your feeling spill onto them, but seeing the truth in this situation will free you from feeling responsible for it and perhaps even help you find even more compassion for his pain and choices and when they're ready explain the truth about him and other people in this way too.
If you would like any books to read etc to help you further just let me know

Thank you for your reply Dadof3. It was very useful. I listened to the Ted talk about shame and vulnerability. It was really interesting.

I think I'm at the stage where I'm trying to dissect everything and I have thought about what might have lead to that person doing what they did. But for me what I find difficult is if you went through a difficult experience why would you repeat history and inflict literally the same thing on your children. I had a difficult childhood but I never want my children to go through what I did. I want better not the same emotional trauma for them. It's like the sins of the father visited again on the son and I really want to break that cycle.

Another thing that makes it difficult to feel compassion is that every time i come close to forgiveness I remember their reaction to me finding out about the betrayal and making the decision to leave. After all they had done they were angry at me. When all I was doing was stepping out of the way and saying have what you want cause I'm done. They abused me verbally, emotionally (trying to blame me) and physically which resulted in me going no contact. Why? Because I had the nerve to say I deserve a relationship based on honesty, loyalty, respect and love. It was almost like you don't love me enough because you can't put up or forgive my betrayal.

I'm trying to numb it. Forget it. Replace it etc but i just keep analysing and reanalysing and I cant understand it because I'm just not that type of person who would mistreat people I love. So for me I just come to the conclusion that there was no love. It was just all fake and an act.

I don't want to give the impression I'm miserable. I'm not. My regrets are that I didn't leave sooner not that I wish we were still together. Distance has made me realise it was quite a toxic relationship and mine and my children's lives have improved so much now we are out of it. More then that I can see how it could improve further. The trajectory we are heading in is definitely upwards. But it's just the feeling of being tricked or duped and wondering why and how. Like me and my children gave that person emotional stability. We were a family and instead they have opted to go back to drama for what. There is no drama for me anymore because I have detached from all of it but there is this hostile presence in my life now which I wish I could remove completely. Unfortunately I can't.