This might end up lengthy, so apologies if it does!
I'm so confused in my relationship & I have no idea what to do. I feel stuck Between two crappy situations and no way out. On one had I stay in my relationship - which is making me deeply unhappy, or the other I leave which means leaving my home which I love, moving back into one room at my parents with two kids and one on the way, with no job, no chance of a job as pregnant, uprooting both kids from school/nursery and starting all over from scratch, again. My parents are also heavy drinkers so the thought of staying there again doesn't feel any better than here.
My partner and I always argue but he always wins, so no matter what it is, I always seem to be at fault. I am walking on eggshells not to say something wrong, when I do, like just now he kicks off in front of the kids and makes me out to look awful. My relationship wth my eldest daughter is ruined and him siding with her and talking about how I'm unreasonable, crazy, psycho etc with her just reinforces it. She has zero respect for me and it breaks my heart that we're not close any more. He never apologises for saying horrible things to me yet I'm expected to apologise for everything. Example - he called me a bunch of names last week including cunt and refused to apologise. I just said shut up (meant in a friendly way as you would to a friend) and he got angry and made me apologise. I try and explain how I feel but he never changes. He will only talk to me about it, but I'm not very good at verbalising how I feel and when I say something which doesn't quite match, or I stumble etc, he'll say I'm lying or making it up or don't know what I'm talking about and void my point. So I try and write it down but he won't engage like that. He always puts me down in front of the kids but goes mad if I do the same.
I can't live like this, but I don't want the alternative either. I have a baby on the way, and I'm so worried about everything but he's not there for me emotionally - calling me crazy at the sign of any emotion at all.
I've tried asking him to leave but he won't. I've tried so many times. He even threatened me with leaving recently because 'I'm mean to him' and when I told him to go he wouldn't.
I know everyone will say leave and wonder why I'm with him. And I wish it was really that easy. I left my ex because we didn't get on, and he refused to tackle his drinking - but it was easier then. I was able to survive on the benefits, had a council place for support, a network of friends, a part time job and only one child. Also my ex didn't cope with the break up, and eventually overdosed and died. Many of the friendship network i had blames me for his death and I carry that guilt every day. I can't face being the cause of another family break up and disrupting my kid's lives again. They love us both so much, my daughter has found another dad in my partner and adores him. He's genuinely so great with them too.
When he's nice, he's really nice and we get on like best friends and everything is fine. And that's what allows me to tolerate the other times. He's very sharp tongued and I'm very sensitive and that combination isn't great.
This goes round and round in my head and I only deal with it by pretending nothing is wrong. But when something happens like just now, I'm reminded of everything else.
I guess I just feel so unloved and lonely being with him, but can't see how moving out will be any better - and quite possibly much worse. And I have no one to talk about this to, most of the people I do chat to ignore messages about him now as I'm sure they see it as my fault for staying. I'm also not sure how much of this is me and making it worse for myself. I know I'm not easy to live with.
Not really sure what the point is to this post really, I guess just the chance to share.
:(