Am i wrong? Emotional wreck today!!

[ThatsLife91]

I left my abusive ex partner last year.. after 9 years of every type of abuse I could possibly have endured.
I left, with our daughter but also remained full time mother to his son (been with me 4+ days a week since we separated)..
I met someone new in december lasy year - but he isn't totally new. We were a couple when we were much younger, and have been friends since about age 12. So decided this year we would make a go of things.
Now my ex - has removed my step son from my care.
The only mother/constant he has had in his life for almost 10 year. His own biological mother has written a letter in support of me to fight for guardianship. My step son is devastated, as am I and my daughter too.
He has controlled so much of my adult life for 10 years, and I hate myself for even considering calling my relationship off with a man who has made me happy for the first time in a long time. Who has treat me and my children like we deserve. All because my ex makes demands. Can i be held to ransom all of my life and have my step son used against me as a weapon? I am so lost right now.
Please dont be cruel, i dont know if my heart can cope with any more put downs x

This is heartbreaking. How old are DSS and DD? Who has parental rights for DSS?

You should definitely have access to DSS but you may have to go to court for it. In the meantime I think it is very important for the siblings to see each other. Does your XH have DD with DSS? Does DSS see his bio mother and you can make arrangements with her?

Crucial question, same as tabula asks: who has PR? Parental responsibility, btw, not parental 'rights'.

Initially me and XH were given full custody of DSS, he has no contact with his bio mother.
My DD lives with me full time, as has DSS for the past 10 month or so. They see their father together - its been maybe 1 or 2 days a week depending on his work etc.
Now DSS is going to be with XH, DD will be here and will only see each other when they are at their fathers. So again 1 or 2 days a week. So he says i have ultimately chose a man over my DSS and the relationship between the children.
i feel like an utter failure x

How old is dss?

Of my DSS, his father. As we never married, I have to apply for guardianship. I have already started the process. But fear it could take months or longer. I love him with every inch of my heart. He was my son before i had my daughter. But every aspect of life has been controlled by his father for 10 years. I need to break that chain but fear he is right. What if I am in the wrong? X

Sorry, DSS is 12 - 13 very soon. DD is 8 almost 9

It’s not your fault we’re you both given custody if so who has said your dss shouldmove back your ex or the courts

We were granted custody as a couple, and DSS remained with me when we split - but his father says I am not allowed to have him in my life if I have a new relationship and has taken him back off me.
Says my relationship should NEVER interfere with my children.
He doesnt accept that i have 1 day a week without the children. At what stage am i able to develop relationships? Its a control technique for sure.. to stop me moving on. But moving on has cost me my step son. I will fight as hard and as long as it takes

He has NO right to say that if you have joint custody or just change it at his whim

Get legal advice

You are not a failure you've done so well to get away from a controlling man who is still trying to control you. Definitely get legal advice.

We dont have joint custody. Initially we were a couple when his son was placed in our full time care. When i left, my rights were ended. But he has remained in my care since. I am already seeking legal help for guardianship

Personally if it was me and he genuinely will return DSS to your care then I would call the relationship off/keep it on the burner until everything is sorted at court. I'm sure your new boyfriend will understand given circumstances. And you don't have to stop speaking, etc. How did he find out?

I know he's "winning" this way but if it gets what DSS needs and is only temporary.

Wrong about what? I can't see a single aspect of your post that could imply you're doing or thinking anything 'wrong' ? Quite the opposite. I hope you get him back.

I honestly don't know the UK legal system very well in these matters, but surely the letter from her mum will carry some weight?

He found out because I told him, I have no reason to hide it. I left due to years of abuse.
I spent almost 6 months getting reacquanited with my new partner and we decided to make it a relationship. Its not him winning that bothers me, its him using anything he can to control me. And how my life is again to be put on hold for his demands. Unfortunately it looks like in a world of abusive partners, they never lose their grip even when theyre gone

I hope the letter from her holds some weight. And by wrong I mean am I in the wrong for getting involved with a new man around my DSS? Is his father right, have i chose to be in a new relationship over DSS or is that just his only control so he is using it x

Which is why you need to stay in your current relationship if it makes you happy and why you need to carry on fighting for your stepson. Show him his control over you is gone. Maybe something like the Freedom project would be useful for you.

I have heard about this programme. And i am already working with a network available where i live RE the DV and my fight for DSS.
My genuine fear is DSS believing a man was more important. Hence why i know this fight is vital so he knows i never gave up. I just need to break free from control x

Could you 'dump' your new boyfriend get guardianship sorted out and then get back together when you have fixed residency?

If the new relationship is meant to be waiting won't hurt.

If i walk away from this relationship I wouldnt expect him to come back. That could take months or more. So walking away is for good.
And means the control my ex had is still very much there.

You do sound like you're doing the right things, stay strong, you're tougher than you think you are.

Not feeling so tough today. Got a week left off work. Going to power through and try and turn this around. Thank you

or is that just his only control so he is using it
Yep. That is exactly it.
I would just keep doing what you are doing.
Do NOT let him control your life any more.
Do NOT let him drive a man away.
You've found some happiness.
He can't cope with it.
Tough shit.
Just go through obtaining access legally and carry on with your relationship.
10 years of messing with your head means you are listening to his crap about you caring more about a 'man' than your DSS.
Which you KNOW is bollox.
Does his abuse mean his son is also being abused?

He never 'abused' the children in any physical way, but what they witnessed will have an impact on their emotional wellbeing for years to come, if not forever..i know this for sure. He doesn't think his abusive past with me and my DSS mother reflects on him as a parent.
I would never place anyone above my children and if my kids told me they didnt approve of my partner i would walk. However they think the world of him as he does them. He knows the only way to manipulate me is using my children to do so x