Rebuilding marriage with a cheat: why should I do that? Does it work?

[SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking]

My husband and I are separated (a few months) and he lives a few miles away. We have kids. I asked him to leave in the spring because it all got too much. He had told me he wanted a divorce and was making plans but kept backtracking, so in the end I got fed up and told him to go.

Background:
He's had a ton of affairs in the 2 decades we've been together. If you define an affair as anything from signing up to dating sites, sexting, emotional affairs, physical affairs and finally sex, he's done it all. However, he's only ever had sex outside of the marriage once (ONS). He has indignantly claimed that he's 'never had a mistress', 'is not a serial cheat' and I only managed to get him to call them 'affairs' a couple of year ago. He says he's sorry and what he's done is terrible and he has begged to come back home. He says he craves love and affection and that he doesn't get it from me (victim blaming much) and that he just feels so unlovable. It's not like I haven't said verbally and in writing over and over that this is what happens after infidelity. I blame him.

Problem:
I am really really struggling day to day now. I just feel wretched. I wake up every morning and the first thing that hits me is a pissed off disbelief that FFS I've woken up AGAIN! I guess I am hoping to quietly expire in my sleep or something. I know that sound ungrateful, and I should love life, but I don't. I've had tons of therapy, I have some anti-depressants used for sleep but I try not to take them too often. I am retraining my career, I have a good job that is really flexible, I'm studying, I have great kids and a great sister. I don't, however, have any friends. This is a problem and I will work on it. I'm quite happy being alone for chunks of the day. I go to the gym.

I guess over the years I have struggled with a lot of shit (mostly caused by marriage) so in an attempt to make myself feel better I have tried to fix every other aspect of my life, even though I knew that ditching the marriage was probably the solution. Well now the marriage is gone and I feel worse. I threw myself into it, spent god knows how many hours policing it, and now it's gone I feel totally bereft. When he has the kids (currently 40% but he wants them 50%... dreading that) I try to sort my fucking life out. I've redecorated the house, seen family, gone out shopping, worked etc etc. Still feel like shit.

So... maybe the solution is to have him back. He really wants to come home, has totally changed his mind (I think he probably decided he didn't want a divorce after all in about Feb or March.) I need to buy a new house and move on but I'm absolutely terrified to do that. Plus I've redecorated this one now and I quite like it (even though it's still full of all his stuff... his pants are still in the drawers!)

My mum says the correct and proper thing to do is forgive. She understands and is on my side but when asked what she would do, she said 'forgive.'

I'm a total mess and keep crying in front of the children. Well, in front of everyone actually. I couldn't imagine having to sleep with him again. But all of the other stuff, like having someone to talk to, hug, kiss, moan at etc etc would be nice. And I suppose I miss him, even though he's a dick.

I've read this forum, general articles, Lundy Bancroft, Chump Lady. I don't believe he's a narc. People tell me he's abusive but I don't think he is. My mum made the point that people only say he's abusive because they only get my side of the story, and I agree with her. He's not a bad man. I wish he were, as this would be easier then. I'm getting STD tested later and I'm secretly hoping to be infected with all sorts, just so I have a reason to hate him. I know that's fucked up.

I know Mumsnet is not the place to go for advice on rebuilding marriage. But there must be someone on here that has been through this and got back together after a split and made it work. Although, we couldn't make it work before the split so I can't see how it could work now. I'm all over the place. Help!

Sorry, when I've tried they've either cheated again or I've got so miserable in the aftermath I've left. He doesn't sound like he cared what he did either. You can forgive if you want, forgiveness doesn't have to mean taking him back and letting him shit on your relationship again. THAT I wouldn't do.

I'm with a non cheater, now life is much much better. They are out there, as bad as it feels now it will get better and you and the kids deserve a better partner and role model.

OP, you seem to think the only choice you have is being alone or having your cheating husband back.
Why have you ruled out dating some different chaps, having some fun nights out, seeing if you can find someone decent who would be a good partner for you? Yes, some of them might be rubbish, but you don’t bother seeing those ones again and you’re not emotionally involved so won’t get hurt. And you will be having a social life and might meet someone lovely.
I’d also suggest trying to make some new friends, through hobbies and activities, so the presence or absence of a husband is not such a big deal.

I’m sorry to hear what your going through and you need to be kinder to yourself you are dealing with a very rough situation.

I’m not married or have any children but stayed with my partner who had an affair for 10 months and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, you never get over it and it will constantly be there. My advice is you have done the hard part by splitting up and it will get easier time after all is the biggest healer.

You probably miss the idea of him rather than HIM OP.

I think even if you wanted to try again, you are not in the right space right now to do it.

Read your post back to yourself OP.

Do you really want to go through all of this again?

Your mother has and continues to give you some really crap advice here based perhaps on her own experience of marriage. You invested a lot into this marriage and perhaps are still to some extent stuck on the sunken costs fallacy. That same fallacy causes people to make poor relationship decisions in this case you potentially taking him back. He is who he is and he is not for changing for anyone. He is also a crap example of a father to his children, this individual only cares about his own self and does not care who he hurts in the process. These children and you are but collateral damage to him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents show you?. I think you really need to think about this. She is really not the best person to be talking to here; she is over invested herself in you potentially getting back with him. She really I think does not have your best interests at heart here.

Love your own self for a change and further work on you through seeing a different counsellor.

Atilla 'What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents show you?. I think you really need to think about this. She is really not the best person to be talking to here; she is over invested herself in you potentially getting back with him. She really I think does not have your best interests at heart here.'

My mum left my father for my stepdad when I was 8. I blamed her entirely, even though my dad was a shouty, shouty pig. She is still with my stepdad but they had a long and painful affair that was rubbed in my face. I went from listening to my dad sobbing in the middle of the night to my mum's new house, listening to her shagging my stepdad. I knew before I was in double figures that cheating is wrong and destroys people. Apparently me explaining that to my husband in idiot's language still doesn't make him get it, probably because he thinks he's okay for never doing what my mum did.. He hasn't felt the consequences, so doesn't get it. My mum is now sort of remorseful and says cheating is terrible and wrong. I really wanted to make my marriage work. This sucks.

Don't take him back because you're lonely. You already do exercise, instead of doing it solo go to classes, running club, bootcamps that kind of thing. There's an app and website called Meetup which is great, it'll tell you groups in your local area that do all sorts of things like bookclubs, nights out, walks, meeting up for coffee etc.

One of the problems with your ex is that he only thinks the shag was cheating, emotional affairs can be just as bad or worse and the fact that he was shifting the blame onto you isn't the sign of someone who truly understands what they've done.

sweetness you sound like an intelligent and lovely person, as well as an excellent mother. What you are going through is beyond sht, but most importantly this is not your fault. You don't need to forgive your husband unless you want to, Atilla* has given you some good advice - most notably the fact that your Mum has given you some truly crap advice so far!

Your separation with your husband is still fresh, you mentioned it has only been a few months. You need to give yourself some time to process what has happened, what he has done and also adjust to a new life. Not only is it a life without him, but also one without the constant need to police what he is doing and second-guess where he is or what he is doing. It is no wonder you feel bereft!

The prospect of moving on is terrifying but you will get through this - be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I would suggest that you keep up some form of regular counselling to help process this and most importantly please don't believe that your only chance of feeling better is by allowing your husband back into your life. It may feel momentarily better but he isn't changing, not now, not ever.

I think your mother apart from giving you truly crap advice also taught you an awful lot of damaging stuff about relationships when you were growing up and you absorbed many of those lessons. She failed to protect you from your violent bio dad whom she herself cheated on and stayed with your dad for as long as she did for her own reasons. She handled all her relationships very badly and you as her DD absorbed the fallout from all that.

You went onto yourself marry a man who has cheated on you repeatedly. Fortunately you have now left him and I think you miss the idea of him rather than him as a person. Now you have time to yourself other than policing him which itself took up an awful lot of your headspace.

Attilla has it - as ususal

How DARE your mother engineer and manipulate you to keep you as unhappy as THIS?! Waking up wishing you were DEAD? that's just so awful.

(have been there, I KNOW what this feels like and wouldn't wish it on a soul)

the right and proper thing would be for your H to keep it in his pants, the right and proper thing would be for HER to back YOU up and help you feel better about your choices.

I think that TIME will be the healer here. I think you are expecting too much (recovery) too soon.

Your relationship has been dead for a very long time, but it's only now you are mourning it.

You need support and love and kindness now, from yourself, and from all those on your side of these things.

If they are not supportive and there to make you feel better and loved, then they have no place in your life. I mean your mother specifically in this. You need to limit your exposure to her 'help'. It's toxic and will only weaken you. Where is her goddamned loyalty? only your side of the story? Why can she not keep her crap to herself? it undermines you and she damned well knows it.

Understand that ALL your feelings are valid and they ALL need to be processed and worked through in your own time to get you out the other side of all this.

Mumnset is an amazing place for support, so use it to the max, you'll find lots of others who have walked the same path.

xpost

My mum left my father for my stepdad when I was 8. I blamed her entirely, even though my dad was a shouty, shouty pig. She is still with my stepdad but they had a long and painful affair that was rubbed in my face. I went from listening to my dad sobbing in the middle of the night to my mum's new house, listening to her shagging my stepdad.

Oh god that is GRIM!!!!

How DARE she lecture YOU? talk about projection!

She wants you to forgive that awful man because it makes HER feel better.

Urgh! Are you sure she's not a narc? making even this, the destruction of your marriage by your H all about her?

Hissy, yes she is a narc. I don't say that lightly and I don't want to be mean to her. That's why I doubt that my husband is, because she deffo is and he's different. I have been ringing her sobbing and she interjects frequently to say that I am talking too much, not listening to her and telling me that she feels the same as me about her marriage to my stepdad. She's a very obvious narc, that is horrid to me, but it's nothing compared to the mindfuckery of my husband, who I believe is simply a bit of a prat who has had far too easy a life.

This weekend I was childless so went to my mum's for a sob. She thought I was saying that I believed she didn't love me (I was actually trying to say I've tried not to burden her for years. She had no idea I was in trouble until 2 months ago). She stormed off upstairs. After a minute I went up to profusely apologise and state very clearly that I know she loves me (I have kids so I know she loves us all the same) and she threw open the door and ranted about how upset she was and stormed off again. She later came to see me once I'd gone off to quiety cry to myself. It was weird that I had to reassure her, rather than the other way around. She is totally unhelpful. However, she's all I've got.

I've said a couple of times whilst there that i just want someone to give me platitudes and say 'There, there. This sucks. You're lovely. you don't deserve this.' but she says she won't do that becuase it's too simplistic and we all make mistakes. My step dad says what I want to hear, but I want my mum to do it. She won't though. I know that. I was chatting to my sis about this, who said that if you ask her for help 10 times, 1 time she will give good advice, and the other 9 times will be shit. That's just how she is!

I won't blame her for my problems, becuase I'm an adult and this is all my doing. But, yes, a lot of my issues stem from my upbringing. But then so does everyone's.

It’s not a one off though, it sounds as if it’s in his nature, your mothers advice is lousy.

However, she's all I've got

Sweetness, my love, having NOTHING is better than the 'all you've got'.
Been there, done that too. I'm NC with my DM and it has improved my life entirely.

She is making YOUR suffering and pain ALL about her. Any opportunity she could use to make you feel better/stronger/happier she is STEALING and taking FOR HERSELF, letting you down and making you feel EVEN WORSE as a result.

She is the definition of toxic, she is literally poisoning you emotionally. You won't get better/stronger until you have extracated yourself from this.

Going to see her this weekend has weakened you further and you are worse off now than you were on Friday.

You don't deserve this, you never did. Your H is a piece of trash and will never change. he is a piss poor parent, what kind of man will he educate your DC about? If they are boys, would you want them to grow up like him? or if they are girls would you like them to marry a man like him?

Because these are the stakes.

I WOULD blame her for your problems actually. You learned from her what life was about, and were not given the tools to be able to make any choices other than those you made.

NOW is the time to do something about it. Stop putting up with this crap from her, or from that dick of a ExH of yours.

You can recover from this, but not with these millstones around your neck weighing you down. Focus 100% on you, and your kids (in THAT order) YOU are the one that needs healing here. Your kids will heal with you.

So... maybe the solution is to have him back
I don't believe for a moment you think this.
Although you 'don't want to wake up' I believe you value yourself a lot more than this.
Taking him back will not resolve anything.

You have 40% free time 'free' now.
Can you take up a hobby?
Join a club.
The gym is great but you don't really meet many people there.
I recently re-joined a group and we've been out a good few times now.

Are you in the UK?
If so then meetup.com is a good place to start.
Or google search for clubs of interests in your area.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Taking back a lying, cheating, scumbag is no the way to do it!