Anyone who doesn’t know their biological father?

[Mandarin12]

How does it affect you? I have a 1 year old DD and it looks like her father may not be in her life at all. He has been living a double and triple life - three different girlfriends, all who he has children with. I’m unfortunately one of them. Completely in shock at the moment but I’m mostly worried about how not knowing her biological father may impact DD. If it wasn’t for that nagging worry I would block him and try and move on/heal from this ordeal. Would really appreciate anyone’s experiences with this. Tia

I don't want to be outing so can't give too many details but I know children who have never met their biological father and have suffered no ill consequences.
The mother made the decision, the father didn't insist so she didn't chase or encourage any contact.
You would need to be prepared with how to explain it to the child and others as they will ask.

Good luck.x

I have never met my father. I have no idea if he knew my mum was pregnant or not. I also know I have two older half sisters that I presume don't know I exist.

It hasn't affected me hugely, but I do think I have some issues around wanting to get approval from men. In my younger years I definitely confused sex with being wanted and accepted by a man.
I'm 35 now. I don't necessarily hanker after a relationship with my father and it doesn't bother me that I'll never have one, but I'm very curious about what he looks like, if we share any characteristics. If I could meet him just once I'd jump at the chance.

I would say though please be open and honest with your daughter. My mum was clearly very hurt that my father left and has never spoken about him, it's like he doesn't exist and I'm expected just to accept that she doesn't want to talk about him.

If he can't be in your daughter's life that's one thing, but as she gets older please don't make him a massive secret. Tell her about who he was, show her pictures, don't make him a taboo subject.

My father cut contact when I was young so I do have abandonment/rejection issues, but a one year old won't have any memory of him.

Is it him that doesn't want contact or are you cutting him off for being a cheat? Shitty partners aren't necessarily shitty parents.

Thanks for the replies

insertsomethingwitty - at the moment, the only visits he has ‘to see DD’ consists of him trying to convince me to have sex with him and trying it on constantly. He refuses to arrange us meeting elsewhere, or having one to one time with DD. I’ve also tried arranging via a family member so we don’t have direct contact, which he has also refused. I am worried how to explain this to DD when she’s older as it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be in her life consistently - maybe just telling her some people don’t make particularly good parents?

eyycarumba- explained a bit above, i have a feeling it’ll be his choice. I’ve run of out steam trying to co parent with him, it’s completely emotionally draining and when he does (rarely) see DD he doesn’t even interact with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t even recognise him. I thought it might change when she was a bit older and more interactive but it’s just empty promises about how things will be different with no action what so ever. I’ve only just found out about the double and triple life he’s been leading so I have a feeling that will cause him to disappear from our lives.. because he’ll know he can’t lie his way out of it. I could put aside my personal issues with him being a liar/cheat if he was a decent parent but he never has been to DD and I’m losing hope he ever will be.

I've never not do I want to meet my biological father; he is a name on my birth certificate and nothing more.

Neither have I met my paternal grandparents.

It's had no adverse affect on me whatsoever.

I believe he (and they) all still live within a 20 mile radius of me, but I wouldn't know any of them if I tripped over them in the street.

In 37yrs none of them have ever shown any interest in me, so I'm a bit "meh" about it really!

The man I call my DF married my mum when I was a toddler, he's a dad to me in every way bar DNA.

In that case - bin him off and don't let him dip in and out of your DD's life whenever he feels like it. If he grows up and decides he wants to be her dad then he'll have to prove himself over time. Stick to your guns and don't let him come to yours to see your daughter, if he really wants contact he'll do it through someone else - will any of his family act as a go between?

Currently in a similar situation. Kids dad (we have 4) wants nothing to do with them. They also have a half sibling they will never see. Sad really.

He doesn't know I exist. I have an amazing life

what I meant to say is .. I have never thought of or would have sought him out.. I've never been interested.. and am very happy

I don't really know my bio father and I'm now 54 last I saw of him was when I was 14 and he had a new wife (3rd) who was 3 years older then me. Which ick me out at that age in fact it still does if I'm honest.

mother is now dead no idea if he is as he buggered of to Canada not long after I saw him at 14.

when I was younger it bothered me not so much now.

I agree with insertsomethingwitty don’t make him a taboo subject, talk about him and show pictures. My mum and dad divorced when I was a baby and I’ve not seen him since.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t have that father-daughter relationship that my friends have. Sometimes I feel sad that he didn’t love me enough to want to see me, so there are abandonment issues there. I wonder if I have any other siblings. I wonder what happened to him- I don’t know if he’s even alive.

My mum never bad mouthed him whilst I was growing up. She had lots of pictures from their marriage which she has kept and shown me. We talk about traits I may have inherited from him or his family. She wanted me to make my own decision about him and not foist her bad opinion of him onto me. I’m glad she did, and at age 34 I think he’s an idiot

IME it was far worse having a deadbeat, vile, abusive biological father in my early life and living in fear of him everyday until he finally left when I was 12.
The reason he left was he brought his very pregnant gf to our home to meet my mother. Mum then moved us back to family hundreds of miles away.
I have often thought about my half sibling especially as he deserted his pregnant gf soon after.
He/she was extremely lucky not to have the abusive, vile man in their lives and I just hope they haven't spent time wishing they knew him because he was an awful human being all his life.

I wish I’d never met mine. He abused me as a child and I’ve been no contact for over 20 years.

Sometimes having a parent in your life isn’t for the best.

My dad left when DM was pregnant with me, I’ve never met him. They were married and I have an older sister but he walked away from all of us without a backward glance to be with the woman he was cheating with.

Growing up I wasn’t that bothered, he wasn’t spoken about at all and DM remarried when I was 5 so my family felt relatively ‘normal’ to me. I was curious about him as a child but he was very much a taboo subject and questions were brushed aside by DM and extended family so I got the message I wasn’t to ask. I understand that, the affair and break-up were devastating for my DM but it was hard on me and my sister that we had questions and no answers, there were no photos either (think DM burnt them all) so I grew up not even knowing what he looked like.

I’ll be honest, as a teen it fucked me up, I obviously didn’t realise it at the time but I felt utterly rejected and unlovable and sought approval and validation in all the wrong places, I look back on my behaviour now and can see it was directly linked with being ‘abandoned’ by my father. I realise I was too young to be told the in and outs of it all but I can’t help but wonder if I’d known then what I know now (that he was a weak, selfish man who repeated the pattern of cheating/leaving several times in subsequent relationships) would I have blamed myself less?

So, my advice from the perspective of the child is to be as open as you can (age appropriate obviously) about him and the events around him leaving. Show your DC photos and don’t make him a taboo subject so they feel they can’t talk about him. My dad caused my DM untold pain and I genuinely understand why she couldn’t/wouldn’t talk about him but I can’t say I don’t wish she’d handled it differently or that it hasn’t damaged me. I do think the impact on me (and Dsis) would have been lessened by openness and honesty about him.

Ultimately you can’t protect DC from the facts, you can put them across kindly and with sensitivity but they need to know the truth. My DM thought she was protecting me as a child but it just left me more confused, she has told me quite a bit in recent years and I feel more at peace than I ever have as a result, just wish I’d known earlier and saved myself all that angst thinking it was somehow my fault.

Never met my dad and im almost 30 now. My mum done everything on her own. Majority of the time its fine it never really botheres me but sometimes it does quite hurt. Especially since having my own DC.

Never met mine-they split when i was a bubba..
for various reasons, no contact.
Not once i hit 18, not since.. some attempts by his family but none by him..
from all accounts my life was better without him than it would have been with, i dont feel ive missed out, and have a lovely stepfather who came inti my life when i was 15.

It was explained to me that kids can change a relationship and sometimes adults arent ready for that.