Feeling unattractive to my new partner

[Mummy2josh92]

So I've been with my partner 6 months... it's been a rocky road! I honestly am so in love with this man. He has accepted me for my size.. not to mention he is absolutely gorgeous! im defo punching .... hes amazing with my son who has special needs and he has given him attention and loved him since he met him. Always has time for him or thinking of him when he goes to the shop for food or clothes he picks him up things.

Anyway... im really overweight... 105 kilos.. or 17 stone. I an sooo insecure about myself but im always humorous about it to cover my embarrassment or sadness.. i hide myself alot to my new partner.. make love in the dark.. hide behind my towel..i dont think he is majorly attracted to me.. our sex life is very much there but he does all the work. He never complains about it.. Ive told him how i feel and he has told me not to worry about myself when the time is right it will work. Hes also told me im beautiful and that he goes for my personality and big heart, not my looks.

I cant help but notice he is always checking out other women.. but when i bring it up he gets frustrated and tells me its normal.. its not like he wants to swan off with them.. he looks at everybody.

I am a very affectionate person and he isnt. He actually has autism himself.. so some things are harder for him. His parents love me and say they notice a big change in him since we met.. hes open to doing more.. hes taken big steps... also responsibility by loving my child and doing things they never thought they would imagine.

I am the problem... i am jealous... i am anxious and paranoid... i even put porn on for him once before to turn him on and i could tell he was open to it but not quiet sure how to handle the situation.. i did it because i truly believe i am the ugliest duckling . His 2 exes i seen photos of and they are stunning.. tanned women with gorgeous hair.. beautiful figures..

I am so annoyed with myself!! I dont want to ruin my relationship.. but i am so sad. And cant help it. What do i do? What would u do.? I know i need to loose weight. But i hate feeling this way :(

Please give advice

I'm not sure how best to tackle it. I'd suggest not discussing it with him, but focusing on yourself and your relationship with you. So on a physical level I'm betting someone will be along with some good ideas shortly.

On the psychological level, forget entirely what you (think you) look like. Make some lists. What are things that you would like to do sexually? What are things you don't want to? What are things that make you feel uncomfortable? Don't consider your partner, this bit is about you alone.

These second two lists are your boundaries. No matter what any partner wants, don't do them, because you'll feel crap. And any partner worth their salt wouldn't take pleasure in doing something you're not 100% into anyway. So, the porn is an example. That crossed a boundary for you. We all have boundaries and they're all different and that's fine. We all feel crap when they're crossed, so it's a good idea to be aware of them to avoid being in that situation if we can.

His exes are exes for a reason and he has chosen you. He wants to be with you. If you want to be with him, not because he's great with your DC or because his parents like you, but because you choose him then maybe try and think about holding onto the fact that it's you he wants to be with, you he's into rather than thinking about other women.

Sorry I think that comes across as a bit lecturing! It's not supposed to - am a bit tired here. Basically you have wonderful things to offer and he's taking you up on them!

It’s horribke feeling this way but you know it’s your issue and not his , you either need to change the relationship you have with your body or lose some weight to feel more comfortable on yourself , you can’t change anyone else’s attitude towards you or how they see you , sounds like he really cares for you and finds you attractive but until you feel the same about yourself you won’t believe it .

I agree with PP, the issues are yours and if left alone could ruin your relationship. Maybe look into slimming world and a bit of self esteem therapy? Exercise and eating well takes habit building. Look at small things you could change to your diet firstly.

You've kind of answered your own question :) you know what you have to do and you CAN DO IT!!

I'm approaching this for another perspective. You're six months in, you say it's been a 'rocky road' and he already 'loves your son'

I'd be putting the brakes on here a bit. All sounds too much too soon

Re your weight - when the time is right for you mentally, it'll fall into place

If he is the one who makes all the effort to have sex why do you think he doesn't find you attractive? It makes no sense unless there is more context or nuance to this.

For some reason though this makes very uncomfortable reading. Why is this man so involved with your son? At only 6m this man should not be buying gifts and ingratiating himself with your son.

I’m also a bit confused as to why you think he isn’t attracted to you yet he is the one who makes all the effort when it comes to your sex life. Can you elaborate?

OP - I am sorry but I also had a really weird feeling when reading this.
At 6mo in it sounds bizarre. ‘Loving your child from day1 of meeting him’ - first thing I though was grooming. And I hope it’s wrong, but couldn’t help it.
And you - sadly - sound so desperate to be accepted and loved, while so self loathing.
It’s way too early to be so into a person you hardly know.

I don’t know what to say other than, please slow down and be careful.
And also - you need to work on your self esteem and start on your weight loss. Or you’ll always be questioning.

I'm more concerned about him having a relationship like this with your son tbh

At 6 months you should still be in the absolute honeymoon stage of your relationship but instead you describe it as having been a "rocky road". That alone should be sending you some serious red flags.

I agree with the others that 6 months is a very short time to be rushing into establishing him with with your son.

I'm glad I'm not the only person who feels uncomfortable about the way this man is pushing for a relationship with the son.

Worst case scenario, op is correct to believe this man doesn't find her attractive, and he is pragmatic enough to realise he has to keep her happy in the belief he does find her attractive so he can groom the little boy.

My advice to op would be to finish this. It's eating up her self esteem, it's creating doubt and suspicion, she perhaps has some intuitive feeling that things are wrong. I think most people know when someone finds them attractive, and most of us would intuitively realise when someone didn't. We wouldn't know why, and that would eat up our self esteem if we allowed ourselves to keep asking the question "why"

Op you need to follow your intuition. Deep down maybe you just know this isn't right. That's why you have told us about him trying to win your son over too.

Get out, get fit, get happy, get confident, and when you're in a good place you'll attract a good man.

If you hate how you look and feel about yourself at 17 stone, go on a diet. I'm on WW at the moment and it's changed my life - I've lost 2 stone, have 1.5 or 2 more to go, and I feel absolutely amazing.

You don't even have to go to meetings anymore, it's all on the app. Get a free trial offer and you can do a whole month for free!

Just lose weight. I'd imagine it's impossible to cure jealousy, anxiety or insecurity when it's all based around one specific issue like this, without tackling that issue.

You'll feel great, really.

What's been 'rocky' about it.
6 months in should not have been rocky at all.

This is your issue and you know that.
Have you had counselling?

You know you need to lose weight.
But while you feel this insecure about yourself that just won't happen.
Tackle your head problems first with a counsellor and then you can tackle the weight issue.

Oh ok so clearly i worded this wrong. When i say rocky road i mean with myself. My own struggles.

This man is amazing with my son and i know i can trust him 1000% with him. Unfortunately i cannot have a relationship where i can just take it super slow and go on dates and introduce my son after 6 months.. my son has multiple disabilities.. and my partner lives very far away. i dont have anyone or trust anyone to take care of him apart from my mother who is very ill at the moment. So i made the choice that i introduce my son at the beginning which was after 2 months of seeing this guy but i introduced him as a friend. I talked about it with my mother she agreed its the best way in MY situation.. because not only is having children in new relationships difficult but especially when they have extra needs.

My son has autism also so he very rarely connects with people.. hes usually in his own little bubble but he let my partner in.. they formed a friendship. My son feels safe around him and i understand peoples worries.. as yes 6 months isnt a long time at all.. i know that.. it feels longer. But in this time frame ive gotten really close to him.. weve met each others families.. we speak everyday. my partner has autism himself and has been abused as a child so i know he would never inflict that kind of pain he suffered on anyone else!

But yes i do understand as an outsider reading this why you would wonder... or find it very hard to beleive i could be in love, which i really am.. i came for advice on how to be more positive with myself.. thats the part i struggle most. I have issues with my weight and zero confidence. I was hoping to find someone who understands me or has gone through this.

Thank you for all the replies. I do appreciate your advice and concerns.

Losing weight has to be the number one priority. Being that overweight is dangerous, so do yourself and your son favour and lose weight. Then you'll feel far better and all the other sh1t will fall into
place.

Why do you think he's with you if he doesn't find you attractive?
He's had relationships before, so it's not that he couldn't find someone else.
But he's with you.
Perhaps try believing what he says.

If lack of affection is an issue for you, (and of course it is), if it's due to his autism, you have to realise that's never going to get better. It wouldn't matter if you lost all the weight and looked like a model. Maybe he's not the man for you. Instead of thinking of your faults only, turn it round a bit - think about whether him being unable to give you that is a dealbreaker for you.

Ok, so you are certain you can trust him around your son, and I understand only too well how difficult it is to date or have a relationship when you already have DC's. As you have said, far more difficult if your child has complex needs.

He chooses to be with you, not anyone else. But as he has autism he probably can't understand your fears and know exactly how to reassure you. If he struggles with showing affection you'll either need to tell him what you need him to do or accept this won't improve.

What can you do to make yourself feel better about yourself? Some people gain self esteem from other aspects of themselves other than their looks. Looks change over a lifetime, we age, we might get ill or develope conditions that effect our appearance. This man says he loves you for you personality and big heart. That's no small thing!

So whilst it would be sensible to try to lose weight for your health, and it would make you feel more attractive, it's the success of doing so, the work involved and the strength of character and commitment needed to do so that should be celebrated. Not how it makes you look.

I guess it would be difficult to go to gym classes or take up running? I always feel better if I can get some exercise, it's not about looking great, it makes you feel great. Could your mum or a friend cope to baby sit in an evening after your son has gone to bed?

Taking up hobbies and challenges is good for raising self esteem. Could you study part time from home?

Do you have a job? Are you a full time carer? If you are at home full time could you research a business idea you could do from home?

In fact, do everything you can to raise your expectations of yourself, set goals, meet them.

To lose weight I imagine you have to alter your relationship with food. Maybe eating is a comfort thing? Maybe it's as a result of not feeling good about yourself? So the starting point is to tackle this from all sides as I've suggested, then look at how you can tackle the relationship with food. You'll be in a stronger position to tackle it. Don't be someone who through lifetime of dieting continues to have a bad relationship with food.

I've never been on a diet. But I've read a few threads on here about the 5:2 diet. I naturally tend to eat this way (mainly I forget to eat!) And I struggle to maintain weight. So I'm inclined to think the 5:2 works. Perhaps join one of the groups on here for support.

I actually read lots of red flags in this.

But not so much about your Dp. But about your behaviour op.

You accuse him of looking and wanting other women. You have tested him by putting porn on, even though that would have damaged yourself esteem more. You describe yourself as jealous, anxious and paranoid.

You are in danger of emotionally abusing him. Most abusers do so because of their own issues and inability to deal with them so they abuse their loved one. If you don't deal with this you could end up ruining the relationship and emotional damaging your partner.

You don't want to be that person. Seeking counselling is something you definitely need to do .

I don't think this is the right man for you OP. I felt similarly when I was with a man with autism - unattractive and undervalued. People with autism lack empathy and theory of mind so don't always realise that it is important to show and say how much you value your partner. Remember too that being self centred is also key trait, however lovely they are.
If you already have self esteem issues then being with someone with autism could make this much much worse. You are unlikely to get your emotional needs met in this relationship so I would recommend you move on and think about some counselling to work on you.

Good luck with everything.