What would you think of this?

[pornstarmartinilover]

I'm in a newish relationship..... have been together a total of 15 months. We both have kids from other relationships. I have one who is 7 and he has 2 girls who are 12 and 13. I've met his kids 4 times now over the past 4 months. Due to work and the patterns of when we have our kids and also the holiday period I haven't been able to see them any more than that. When my bf said he was happy for me to meet his kids, he said he didn't want to make a big issue of it with them by sitting them down and telling them about the new girlfriend, he just wanted them to get to know me and them gradually learn who I was. 4 months in and 4 kids later the kids don't mention me to their dad either after or between visits, they don't talk about dad having a girlfriend and he's not entirely sure if they know that I am his girlfriend but thinks they must do and he seems ok with them knowing this but doesn't seem to want to bring this up with them. He's happy for me to continue to seeing them and today kissed me goodbye in front of them so I don't think it's that he wants to just play 'friends'. I'm finding this quite difficult because this is not how I would handle the situation and I think he needs to give them more opportunities to talk about how they feel and I think he needs to be open with them. What do people make of this? I find it quite awkward when we see each other with the kids because I don't know how much I can say about the level of contact we have (eg mentioning me visiting his house, him coming to mine and things we have done together). To add a bit of context to it I think in general the way he functions is that his life is quite separate to his kids so they generally don't know much about what goes on when they aren't there and this just seems to be the way it is.

I'd be wary too....simply because you're bringing him into YOUR daughter's life and you don't quite like the way he communicates with his own DDs.

I would talk to him seriously about the fact that his life is quite separate to his kids so they generally don't know much about what goes on when they aren't there and this just seems to be the way it is.

And explain that you're uncomfortable with this.

That sounds odd - at 12 and 13 his DCs must be aware that when a man and a woman hang out together and kiss it means something!

FWIW, my DP and I had been together for 5 years, I had been on holiday with his DCs and spent Xmases/birthdays/weekends with them all frequently when his then 9 year old asked him (in front of me) "dad, is xx your girlfriend?" I was utterly gobsmacked and thought what the hell has he been saying for the last 5 years that this isn't utterly self-evident?! So for context, 15 months is apparently still early days

In all seriousness, I suppose you have to go along with things at his pace if that's how he wants to play it around his DDs, but he does need to accept that you won't be lying or omitting things when you're with them.

Once my DP suggested that when he took me on holiday he might tell his DDs he was going away for work so they didn't get jealous. I said it was a terrible idea and that if his DCs spoke to my DCs and they dropped him in it, he couldn't blame us! In the end he realised that he can't protect them from the truth and that actually there's not really anything to 'protect' them from, he is loved and has someone he loves, that shouldn't be something to hide.

It's still awkward sometimes though, I think his guilt makes it hard for him to be totally up front with them (and with me sometimes) but its not healthy. Your DP needs to feel confident about his relationship with you because if his DDs sense weakness they will exploit it, it's what kids do!

He is just being cautious and protecting his privacy. I would be exactly the same in his position plus perhaps a bit shy about it with my kids unless I was absolutely sure my relationship was for keeps. Better he is like that than wanting to overwhelm his children with your relationship.

Just enjoy eachother, it relationship's meant to last things will gradually fall into place.

I cant see the issue!?

15 months is long enough to introduce a partner to children this age. He may be being cautious though....perhaps you're not as important to him as you want to be yet OP. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but he may think that there's a possibility it won't last....or that he doesn't know you properly yet.

He's extremely protective over them and his worry about introducing them to a new relationship was an issue in the very beginning so I understand that he is cautious but then he is happy for me to continue to be part of their lives and after today's visit made some suggestions for the next time and did also give me a goodbye kiss so I am confident that it's not because he doesn't think im important to him..... I think it's probably what other posters have said, he's just being cautious and I think he's probably trying to male minimal fuss about it so not to upset them and keep things as normal as possible