Post divorce relationship in 40’s - what is this?

[Tigerstripycat]

I met a guy online 4 months ago, and we’ve been dating exclusively since the start, we had that conversation very early on. He’s great in many ways - kind, and generally very considerate - and the sex is good. We meet a couple of times a week, typically go out for dinner, he’ll come to mine or I go to his, we’ll have sex then one of us heads back to our own place. It works, I think.
So what’s the problem? I’m not sure it is a problem but I’m finding myself wondering where things actually go from here. And what this actually is. At times, it feels kind of like an arrangement, albeit a mutually convenient one. We’re both divorced with children - he’s 53, I’m 47, and we haven’t discussed meeting our kids (his DS are 15 and 13), my DS is younger, just 6, which suits me as it feels very early days to me still. We haven’t met each other’s friends or family and we don’t talk about this either.
I suppose I’m wondering whether this is actually a bit of a FWB situation, although he is interested in my life, asks me about my son, we go on dates etc. Or if this is the early stages of a relationship. In which case, how do things move on from here? Or do they even need to?! Where do post-divorce 50 something relationships go, exactly? What’s the natural progression, if there is one?
As you can probably tell, I haven’t dated much since my divorce and I’m finding myself questioning it, a lot!

What would you want to happen?

I don't have much advice. But I've been where you are! Post divorce, first (and since no more) relationship and it never got past this stage ...for 2.5 yrs! I did meet his family and friends though.

It just never went anywhere. There were other issues. But I do miss the companionship. And wonder if I was hasty ending it. I'm slightly younger than you (late 30s) not that that makes any difference!

No advice. Just comradeship!

It sounds nice! Relaxed and easy

Thanks for the replies. Tbh, I’m not sure Spotted. Certainly not looking for more right now - but if things continued, I suppose I’d be looking for a slightly more blended existence. It’s useful to think about it! He’s had girlfriends before, and although he hadn’t spelled this out, I did wonder whether they’d got fed up with the non progression thing. I suspect he’s more than happy with the regular meet with somebody he likes, good sex, companionship on a part time basis, etc. And that works for me too, right now, but I’m not sure it would in 6 months, a year.
Maybe I’m overthinking... 🤔

Sounds great!

I've wondered this too. Once you have had children, established a career, bought a house etc - your relationship needs change. You no longer need someone to share those things with - you need someone to take you to the next step in your life.

I've realised my next long term relationship will be the person I retire with. We will mutually enjoy a life together that is calmer and full of care.

But until then, I suspect it is going to be a series of shorter relationships that will allow me to recover from my marriage, give me an outlet while Im still a parent and distract me from my work. A longer term relationship between now and when I retire seems pointless. I don't actually need someone right now.

Sounds great to me, and you have all the components of a solid early relationship now, not a common occurrence but even some married couples choose not to share a roof
I totally get what you mean though, I would just go with the flow as long as you're enjoying time with him and try not to overthink it

And that works for me too, right now, but I’m not sure it would in 6 months, a year.

So review it in six months.

I know what you mean Tiger, I am having this exact dilemma at the moment too. Your natural feeling is that things should be moving along somehow, but with all the logistics to consider, it doesn't always move in the way you expect, like it did in the first big relationship.

Only last week (at couples counselling) I said that our relationship is actually no more committed than it was a week after we met 6 years ago! We both still have our own homes, where we live with our respective DCs, we don't share money or responsibility for each other's homes or DCs, he spends a few nights a week at my house, but doesn't contribute financially and I rarely go over to his.

Spending time with all the DCs together is stressful, we parent differently and I'm an introvert so need quiet time to unwind. We have looked at moving in together previously but it just caused arguments between us and between the DCs, so we abandoned the idea.

I just feel stuck in limbo, waiting for all the DCs to grow up and move away (which realistically could be 10-15 years away!) until we can move on with our lives together. I think he would be happy keeping things as they are, the pressure to progress comes from me really.

I want to be married to him and to share our lives. I already take care of him, cook meals for him, listen to his work woes etc and he gets the benefits of my emotional support and love, just like a wife, but then he earns ten times more than I do and I don't get the benefit of him as a husband, so it feels a bit one-sided if I'm honest. Its like a two-tier family, with him and his DCs reaping the rewards of his lifestyle while me and mine struggle financially and I have to do all the donkey work of running a home alone (he has live-in help with his DCs and house).

I would like to feel like we have an equal balanced partnership, but we don't and never will have while our lives are so different. And it isn't just financial, its about feeling emotionally connected, having a shared goal, looking to a future together, how much spare time/energy etc we each have too.

Keeping things separate is all well and good if you are both happy with your lot, but when I was down to my last £3 and he turned up with a brand new £40k car he'd just bought with cash, I couldn't really muster the enthusiasm he thought it required!

It's really tricky once your lives are already so established in their own patterns, but it sounds like he's happy with things as they are for now, so any progression probably won't be 'natural' - it will have to be forced in a way. Do you feel like you could talk to him about what you both see in your futures? Whether you're both envisioning a similar lifestyle once you're free of parenting responsibilities etc. Do you share values generally? ie how you handle money, how you like to spend free time, how sociable you are generally etc.

I would be looking to spend some more quality daytime hours with him next OP.

A day out somewhere.....just the two of you. That way you can see how you get on in a less sexual way. Dinner and sex is very much early date type stuff.

Would you suggest a day out if you can get a babysitter?

Another option would be a night at the theatre or a concert.

"progression"

I'm not sure why folk (especially women) need this "progressing" thing to happen? Or why they need to predict it, plan for it, encourage it... Is it possible to just be happy, maybe?

You don't know each other yet. Why would you want to see signs that things are "going somewhere" etc when you don't even know the person yet? It takes years to get to know someone...

I can appreciate flapping about "progression" and "where things are going" when there's a biological clock ticking... But it sounds like that ship has sailed, no? This is a wonderful, luxurious life stage where you can just take all the time in the world and not worry so much...

I can appreciate flapping about "progression" and "where things are going" when there's a biological clock ticking... But it sounds like that ship has sailed, no? This is a wonderful, luxurious life stage where you can just take all the time in the world and not worry so much...

I couldn't agree more

We both still have our own homes, where we live with our respective DCs, we don't share money or responsibility for each other's homes or DCs, he spends a few nights a week at my house, but doesn't contribute financially and I rarely go over to his.

Sounds perfect to me

Just seen everyone’s replies. All really helpful perspectives in various ways, and I think I should just enjoy things as they are, not do the questioning thing. I actually don’t want anything more at the moment anyway, and it’s good to focus on that ie not what he wants, but what works for me. Did enough of the former in my marriage!

Myrelationshipisweird, I would feel very upset if my partner was so out of time with my life and the realities I was going through with lack of money. Is he being insensitive or genuinely doesn’t realise? Have you tried talking to him about it?

*out of tune