How do you move on from an abuser when you share a child?

[Putitallbehindme]

Hello ladies

I’ve recently separated and in the process of divorcing an abusive husband (emotional and physical)

For anyone who has been in an abusive relationship, would be greatful of trips of how you moved on particularly when you still have to communicate regarding a young child?

I really wish I didn’t have to have any contact with this man at all, worried about him still getting to me etc

Thanks in advance x

Well done for getting away OP, it's hard. I did same and now divorced from emotional and financial abuser. One of my dc won't see him but younger one does. I constantly worry that ex is, at best, confusing our younger child with lies about me etc.

So far I am holding to 'grey rock' technique as much as I can. I ignore the provocations and try to get him to stick to email only contact, other than quick chat at handovers.

It infuriates him as I won't engage but it usually works as he then forgets/moves on for a while. Lot of anger in him still and that worries me for sake of younger one as his dad is good at masking it and then being sly.

I can't say it's easy 2 years on but it is getting easier. I hope the same will happen for you

Thamesis thanks for posting and I applaud you too for getting away.

I agree I’ll have to keep communication as minimal as possible. I am worried how he will be at handovers (at present my family do this for me)

I’m sorry it’s still tough but pleased to hear it is getting easier x

I'm finding it a nightmare at the moment. Split around a month ago. He won't pay maintenance and only sees her a few hours a week and spends the rest of his time going out and spending his money on himself. He finds it funny and will smirk at me on handover and he also still send me abuse over text even though Iv said only contact should be about dc. Hoping it calms down soon

twilightsaga I’m so sorry to hear this, have you sought advice through a solicitor? Him sending you abuse even now through messages are just awful. I feel for you and really hope you will be ok x

We weren't married and didn't have any financial ties so haven't needed one. He was vile the whole relationship so not sure why I expected him to be any different now. I just thought he would at least want to be a good father. Have you got a plan for contact and maintenance with your ex?

We are having to go through it all through the courts and solicitors. The abuse continues through this process. x

It's just awful isn't it. We finally break free from these men and they still are able to carry on doing these things

Email only unless it's an emergency then text message/phone call. Ignore as much as possible. Be short and formal/polite. There will be messages and actions that get to you but give as little attention as possible to minimise them. Good luck!

And if you can get contact and financial orders in place go for it

Yes it is awful, manipulative, abusive and cruel.

I agree best to stick to emails and keep things short and formal. x

It's really hard. If you can find a third party to serve as a mediator it really really helps - my bil is currently doing this for me.

7 years I've been out and only now am I beginning to feel like I'm getting over it.

Also kids don't stay young forever. When we split I had 3 under 4. Now they're a lot older, a lot more independent and capable of seeing what he is. I think that helps that I don't have to protect them from him so much these days.

There's an amazing book for parents who've ended abusive/traumatic relationships ' I am the parent who stayed' by Nina Farr.
There's also a FB group if you're on FB Parent Leaders for The Modern World. Really really supportive group
The book's fab, I did the companion course which was invaluable but you can do the same with just the book if you wanted to.

stillnotTheDoctor thanks very much for your post. I do have family members acting as the go between at handovers. I feel guilty though as they don’t want to see this person (Ex husband) and now see him more than when we were together x

dragonflyflew thanks so much for posting. I will look into the book you mentioned. x

My sister and bil don't particularly want to see him but they know it's better for my mental health if I don't and they aren't scared to stand up to him which I am still. If they're prepared to do it then accept it and regularly bring them wine 😂

Thanks for coming back on that. I do fear the day I’ll have to see him again because of our child. Pleased to hear you have good support from sister and BIL x

Good luck and take care.

My abuser went to court for 50/50 with my 2 under 3 year olds. All communication is email only. Handover was in public place (railway station or supermarket car parks are good). The down as much detail as possible in the contact arrangements. It is horrendous and continues the abuse. My ex got arrested again for stalking and harassment last year and I have yet another police panic alarm in my house. Keep it out of court if you can.