When you know, you know?

[unequivocallyxo]

Hi MN, few and far-between poster here.
I'm just looking for a bit of perspective, namely, do you "know" your DH/DP is "the one"?

A bit of background, I'm 27 and have been with DP for 9 years. We were kids basically, and I loved him passionately, and of course I still love him, but differently as a suspect happens with time. We obviously are very different people now. We have one DS, who is 4, and we are engaged.

I feel like we've been at a crossroads for this last year. I feel very unsettled, don't know what I want, I feel like there should be more, and I feel like I'm not putting the effort in because he doesn't either. We have talked and talked and talked and I've basically told him that it's make or break now, we both need to make the effort to make this work or we should walk away, which he agrees. We've had this conversation so much over the past year but nothing seems to change despite him telling me he loves me dearly and can't imagine life without me.

So back to the question, did you know? Please don't judge me MN, I am trying to do right by my DP and DS, but also by myself.

OP - unfortunately - it seems like you know the answer, or you’d not be asking these questions.
It’s rare to meet someone and stay with them from the age of 18.
People grow up and change so much. And spend their 20s exploring and maturing, and then meet someone. And even that doesn’t guarantee that the relationship would last several decades....

Good news is that both of you are still young and there is time to meet other people.

Sorry....

Don't apologise, this is exactly why I posted here. Don't get me wrong it would completely devastate me for some time, I think. I am so undecided, it's difficult - he is all I have ever known in my adult life. I feel as though I should've made more effort this last year and then I would know for sure.

I met my first boyfriend at 16 and we were together for 9 years. In my heart of hearts I knew towards the end that he wasn’t ‘the one’. We were too young when we met and both wanted different things from life. Ending it was the one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but we didn’t have DC so that made it easier.
6 months later I met my now DH. Yes I knew he was ‘the one’. 9 years, 2 children (and third on the way) later, I still know he’s the one.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (I was engaged although thankfully no children involved) and I wasn't desperately unhappy but I just felt like I should be happier. After having the same conversation about how things needed to change but nothing ever did, I decided to call it a day. It was an extremely difficult decision but I knew deep down it was the right one. He is now married to someone else and as far as I know happy and I am married with a baby on the way and couldn't imagine ever being happier. It scares me how easily I could've just kept plodding along and would've missed out on my life now. Obviously if you have a child you need to take that into consideration but I am sure you're child would rather have two separate but happy parents. Only you can make the decision but if you're asking then I think you already know the answer. Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

OP - you have a child and that makes it harder, however - you also have a long life ahead of you.
I don’t think any amount of ‘work’ would make a difference on ‘knowing’... Both of you seem to have outgrown this relationship...

People aren’t swans. Very very few stay (happily) with one person they met as teenagers.
I do have a friend who is with her H since teenage years. They ended up having an open marriage that actually works for them.
Other than that - nope...

I know my DH is the one for me. We've been through a lot of great times and tough times together. I don't think any relationship is 'perfect' but I'd never want to be with anyone else, and i feel like we've gotten stronger and more in love as time goes on.

Relationships take work and there seems to be such a 'grass is greener' approach to relationships these days. People often talk about 'wanting more'- wasn't it Love Island that coined the phrase 'I'm happy but I could be happier' 😂😂., Of course you deserve the best you can get, but as you say at the moment neither of you are putting in the effort. It's just about working out do you still love eachother and do you want to make it work? If not then you're better off ending it.

Thankyou all. It really does give some perspective doesn't it? Obviously I want to do the right thing for DS but I do have that "something is missing" feeling. Don't know if this is just reality though!!

If you have tried to reignite things between you, spoke openly about how you are both feeling etc but things still aren't right then maybe you have simply outgrown one another. It happened with my ex and I after 5 years together suddenly I realised we had nothing in common and our lives were in different directions. Feelings wise i was bored, disinterested and felt safe with him rather than any passion. Ive been with my DP 2 years now and it's totally different. The mere thought of him still makes my heart soar. He is my partner in every way and we laugh so much together. I love DP in a way I've never loved before. This love is pure, strong and exciting x

I wasn't a teenager when I met my long term partner but I was 23. We were together 17 years. We split up well over a year ago and I just wish I had done it a lot sooner. I knew I was just going through the motions and partly stayed with him for the DC. I do regret wasting the last few years of my life in an unhappy relationship. I'm not in my early 40s and its not an easy age to meet someone new. You are young enough to meet someone else and really be happy.

I was in a similar situation. I met someone at 17 and stayed with them for 5 years, got engaged although thankfully, no children. I thought exactly the same as you OP that there was something missing. He was a lovely, decent man but I used to look at other couples and feel very jealous of how they were with each other but couldn’t put my finger on it. It took me a long time to finish it and
he was devestated when I did. I felt guilty about that but also extremely relieved for myself.

6 months later, I met someone who I knew within weeks was “the one”. I just felt myself with him and we went on to get married and have dc.

Follow your gut.x

I could of wrote your message. Literally we are the same age and I got with my partner th same age.
Going through the motions... I too often feel like something more is missing.
I often think about what lif would be like if I left but then worry that I feel the grass is greener. I can’t even say he is a bad person because he’s not but emotionally I just feel like he is empty which makes me empty and closed off. He feels that I isolate myself... which I probably do because I constantly tell him what I want in a relationship but he never delivers... but then apparently I am the one who will never be happy..

I have no advice because I am in th same boat. Just that your not alone

As previous posters, was engaged and thought a lot of my fiancé but had a nagging doubt there was something missing, I was 25 and had been with him years. Then met my now DH at work and knew immediately. Knew that even if it came to nothing with now DH the fact that I had had that thunderbolt moment meant I shouldn’t marry my fiancé. Left fiancé on the Tuesday and had my first kiss with now DH on the Friday. We’ve been together nearly ten years, two kids and I still know he’s The One.

I married a man had kids mortgage etc who I was with from a young age. I knew deep down even though we got on that something was missing. 20 years later in my 40's I feel I've met the man of my dreams. Everything feels right in every way.
Good that you are talking could you maybe try a councillor first to see?

Thanks everyone. It's sad that this seems to happen so often, however I guess when you "grow up" you just realise you want different things.

I don't know where we go from here really, I don't think counselling is an option, he's a closed book I'd be fighting a losing battle.
The thought of leaving for the unknown absolutely terrifies me, but I suspect that if I don't I'll spend my life thinking "what if".

Alternatively it's all a huge mistake and I spend my time wishing I'd never left! So difficult.

I'm in a similar position minus child. I feel as though I've changed so much since when we first met (I've become an adult) and it's also my first long term relationship and I've learnt so much.

I wonder if this is just what happens over time when in a long term relationship , grass is greener mentality , is this it ? thoughts or if I'm genuinely not with right person anymore

When I was with my ex (my first proper relationship) I used to think "When you know you know" was bull and that relationships were over romantised. I've since realised I was with the wrong person, thankfully we broke up after 7 years (though it was painful at the time). Now with my current DP I absolutely know he's the one and get all the sappy feelings I didn't have with my ex.

It's sounds like it's just not right and you know it deep down. It's a horrible situation but trust your gut and things will be ok.

Also just to say, I had major doubts and was also terrified of the unknown. I ended up staying put o give the relationship a chance, only to have my then DP end it a year later. I'm glad he did as I was fooling myself. I'm so so much happier now.

I married the 'one' early 30's and he had an affair.....🙄